Teriffic piece, worthy of winning the Writer's Cramp contest. You did a wonderful job with the emotion throughout, and a spectacular job of tying the prompt in at the end of the piece. The realism in the piece is well done, also - the dragging back of the male character to reality by having Claire recite the piece he did earlier about hermit crabs give the piece a very real feel to it. Claire is using that private moment and offering to be his "hermit crab" to show her love for him and ground him in reality. Well done.
Terrific story, absolutely fabulous. First off, I loved the character of the killer in the story. His clothing - black cape and top hat - was a nice touch. What I liked even more was tying him into Ben's "imagination." It is a nice thread of realism in the piece - if something like that happened, the cops would tell Ben that it was his "imagination." The pace is perfect for a short work - gripping the reader from beginning to end even with the time shift changes from when he was seven to now. This definitely seemed like a good start for something bigger. The killer with a top hat is very intriguing, and I think you can go a lot of places with him. Where did he come from? Why is he here again now after all these years? Is the dream a precursor? The seed has been planted beautifully, a wonderful tree can grow from it. Impressive work, well done.
I really liked the ending of this story. Its very masterful what you've done here in only 404 words. As a piece of micro fiction, this is a very strong piece, deserving of the contest win that it received. The ending is simply perfect, "On the monitor, sharp, perfectly formed little teeth took another bite from the smaller twin and began to chew." The sentence is perfect - vivid imagery, and it paints a creppy picture giving the perfect vibe to a work of horror. I like what you did with the theme of the day - twins. You took the topic and turned it on its ear by making the twins unborn, an idea that didn't even occur to me. Well written, well done.
I enjoyed this story. The supsense is good throughout the piece. The best part of the suspense, I thought, was near the end of the story where the narrator is looking for his friends while entertaining the thought it might all be a joke. The other part that I really liked was the way he got out of the Fun House when the metal door that was closed before suddenly opened. The suspense was spot on, and it kept me riveted throughout. I also don't know if this was your intention but I liked the characterization of the character who seemed very human, wanting to back out of what his plan in the first place and talking tough to the others when he was internally frightened. He also seemed kind of like a pouting brat at the end - "No one consoled me for 'my loss.' It was a nice touch - he was lost here but his loss was his own.
The introduction where the narrator introduces the tale as having happened a year ago - I think the story is stronger without. I would have liked you to jump straight into the action as the story ends up at the same point in the intro, one year ago. I also think you might want to toy with the idea of sharing with the reader the final line - "If you tell, you'll go to Hell." The reader doesn't hear it in the story when he leaves The Fun House, but it bothered him to the point internally he hid the truth. Strong well-written work, nicely done.
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