I really like when the phonetic rhyme scheme is used. It helps give a more comfortable vibe when reading the poem, giving it fluency and the ability to tell a story with no interruption.
Watch your tone in this poem, for just that little section where you say:
But he bets they’ll find relief
In that option known as grief –
A simple logic, I suppose,
A brilliant helper to that rose…
Everything else sounds quite formal when I read it, save for this. Although it isn't grammatically incorrect, or really incorrect at all, it as more of a dementedtone; instead, I think it needs to be more enforcing, more consistent with everything else.
This is an interesting excerpt; however, it is not poetry.
Poetry consists of lines, stanzas, structure, and lyrical formatting.
This seems more of a short-short story.
Who is "he?" Be careful with referencing one person too many times in any work. It seems redundant, and readers can sometimes feel zapped whenever that happens, and not want to read it any longer.
Through a couple metaphors or something in there--it helps strengthen the story as well as the point you want the reader to get from it.
I like how well the dark detail is organized. It's not sloppy, and is well thought out. Gives a great depiction of feelings, and it is obvious that there is more of an allegorical meaning to this story.
Overall, I think revision is necessary and either a change of genre, or a change of formatting to fit what it is classified as.
It's on the right track. Keep going with it and editing it.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to complete ALL of the goals that I set forth for myself, but I did do quite a few reviews on my time off, and even posted one of my pieces up!
I'm not for sure how you plan to develop a novel with such short chapters, unless the number of chapters will be immense, or there are plans for a novella; regardless, great story.
I'm not so much going to focus on the story in this review, because I feel like going into detail with each chapter would be pointless help to you. If you've already done what I'm about to suggest, then I'll go back and start analyzing line by line.
Honestly, I would get out a regular sheet of paper and an ink pen or pencil, whichever your preference may be. Outline how many chapters you think you'll have (although you can go back and add more, if need be). Give titles for them all. Write the main points down to each chapter, so that you'll know where your transitions should be. Also, write character appearances down for each chapter; if there's enough room, write a few key factors about each character that makes them unique.
This technique is something I learned from J.K. Rowling--I can't, unfortunately, credit myself with this idea. I've used it, though, for many things. I write a lot of papers for classes, and am in my fourth writing class, now. This is the most useful method I've had for research papers, literary analyses, and the beginning introductions to 90% of my works. I think you'll find it useful, as well, so it helps you stay consistent. Not only will it help you stay consistent, but it'll also help you keep track of all the development (in general) that you WANT to happen.
This chapter is so very well-written. The descriptive aspects of your writing are what make it so, and I'm impressed.
I would give only one small suggestion, but leave it at that. I wouldn't recommend redundancy with announcing first person using "I." Using "I" too often gives a draining sense to the work, and this is too grand of a piece to do as such. Nonetheless, I'm still thoroughly satisfied with it.
It transitioned well, and dialogue is also a key factor in development--sometimes, writers have difficulty with both descriptive and dialectic aspects. You, on the other hand, have a talent for both.
I always give praise where it is deserved, so keep going with it. I'll check out your other chapters as well, to check for consistency.
I also want to keep reading the story, to see character development.
Be careful about using too many commas in poetry. It's honestly not necessary, as a line break will usually do the trick.
Is the title purposely spelled "whole?" Or should it be "hole?" I'm not sure, just thought I would mention that, too.
I really had a hard time following this poem, because it was really rhyming. Instead of picking two words that exactly rhyme, have you ever tried picking two that have a similar sound but don't necessarily have rhyming vowels/consonants?
I really enjoy the main concept of it, though, although it seems to be about a person who has left or died. It's a great structure, and great concept, just a few tid-bits of information/structure changed around could really make this even stronger.
This is also a question, so I recommend switching it from a period to question mark (in both instances, at the beginning): * "To be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and obey(?)"
Oh, is this fair to him?*
This was so enticing! I really love the title, too! I didn't really understand it, until the very last sentence. You did excellent with this, really excellent.
A couple tips: Be careful about using too many semi colons and regular colons in dialogue. It doesn't transition well.
Otherwise, I saw no problem with this story's actual events. Again, great job!
"Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time".
*"Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time(.)"
These are only a couple of the many instances. Almost always the mark comes before quotation marks, but if you're curious about the correct usage, I'd definitely visit this site: http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html (just copy and paste if it doesn't automatically hyperlink.)
Be careful of using redundancy with words, because it dulls the story down. And since this seems to be a chapter, I expect that there is more? I'm not sure what you plan to do with the ten year gap that you mentioned, but be careful with that. Taking away that much time from a story can be dangerous.
Watch out for redundancy of commas as well. Commas only show short pauses, so if you notice yourself using commas frequently, switch over to other marks; for instance, what I just did with the semi-colon. Semi-colons are my best friend. Also, I am obsessed with dashes--my English instructor from my first year of college is to blame for that. They help separate your train of thought, especially if a period isn't necessary.
I really enjoyed this thoroughly, though. When I was a lot younger, I had issues with the whole Internet dating thing. My parents almost went crazy. I can relate, if this is something that is from a personal experience of yours.
E-mail me links to other chapters, if you've already finished the story!
I'm not sure if there's a reason that you've chosen breast cancer particularly, but most do it because they have that personal history with it. Whether it be a family member, friend, or even yourself, I think that a lot of people could wish for that cure right away, something to help keep their loved one around a little longer.
My aunt died from breast cancer when I was younger. I understand the sting it inflicts, and I also understand that the sting never really goes away.
Great letter, Buxton.
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