What a wonderful read, Gen. Not being a poet myself, I cannot offer up any improvements nor point out any faults with verse...From the eyes of a simple reader I think everything flows nicely. You paint a vivid picture for me with this one.
What an interesting read! Your opening line is the perfect attention grabber:
Blurred grey and black shadows streaked along the forest path.
Sloths are, by nature, slow-moving creatures. I love how you've woven this into the story through the sloth's actions - they come across as delayed, which is exactly what I would expect of a sloth.
There are only a couple of areas that give me pause at all:
1)Darkness had descended only a mere handful of minutes ago.
Having "only" in front of "a mere" feels a bit redundant to me. I think it would read easier if you dropped the "only"...or maybe even better if you dropped the "mere" & used "...had descended only a handful of minutes ago". Perhaps even go a stretch further than that, & instead of telling your readers that darkness has descended, show them. Paint a picture of the darkening wood as the last rays of the sun are choked back by the encroaching night.
2His eyes were almost next to useless
Somehow, "almost next" seems strained. Perhaps it would work better if you simply dropped the "almost". Maybe preface it by mentioning that sloths are known to have poor eyesight, perhaps "As was typical for sloths, his eyes were next to useless."
All in all, this is a marvelous piece that makes me want to listen to the next "song"!!
Wow. What a moving piece, this brought tears to my eyes. Not only for David, but for all the children in this world who suffer the way David did as well. What heartbreaking, gut-wrenching misery. I applaud a piece well-written & thought provoking.
Fantastic! I got a huge kick out of this. I agree that it is very easy for someone reviewing a piece to get a little TOO technical about proper grammar, punctuation, and the like. I, on the other hand, no matter how wrong I may be, truly believe that many of those little quirky things are what we call VOICE. UNIQUE voice. Yes, proper spelling is proper spelling, but I think you can loosen up with the proper grammar in order to tell a story in your personal voice, otherwise it sounds 'cardboard'. As a multi-million dollar author once said "Your writing doesn't always have to wear a suit, tie, & lace up shoes." Or something like that. HA!
Please, please, pleeeaaase let me become a member of NAG! I am begging you! (Though I wouldn't consider myself a full-fledged nerd, so I may not be eligible). :)
This was absolutely hilarious! I, too, suffer from acute poor-homonym-use hatred! Our society has become so lax in proper grammar and spelling that it absolutely annoys me to the point of chewing nails.
I've been called anal. I've been been called a perfectionist. I've even been told (by, of course, someone who cannot spell and who, I'm certain, doesn't even know what a homonym is!) that the english language is evolving and that I just need to understand that and not be so uptight about it! Puhhhleeeze! Evolving? My foot!
To me, it is a sad day when I am driving down the highway and I see words misspelled on a billboard, or the side of a building. It pains me even greater to see misspellings in newspaper headlines! YES! Newspaper headlines! When did this downward spiral begin? I can't say for certain. I am nearing 32 years of age and I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that my english/grammar teacher, Mrs. Baysinger, certainly made sure that her pupils didn't pass her classes without a secure grasp on the english language. It seems to be the newest generation of young adults that have been afflicted the worst. What I can't figure out, is why?
Don't get me wrong, I certainly do not consider myself to be an expert at grammar by any stretch. I do certainly make mistakes myself...but the homonyms are my single largest pet peeve.
I applaud this piece and you can bet that I will definitely be adding this to the "Highlighted Items" section in my port!
Girl, you've got talent! WooooHoooo! Or should I say "yeeehaaaw!"? Being a cowgirl myself, I know exactly the man you are describing...and I well know the emotions that come with it. I absolutely love you're writing style, the way you use your descriptions is super. You obviously have the ability to make your reader's heart & mind race & their bodies respond through written word. Keep it up!
Wow! I really enjoyed this piece. Talk about inspiring! It has really made me stop and think about my life in general, how easy it is to forget that the smallest things in life are actually the foundation and building blocks of our lives as a whole, those things that determine who we are and why. Keep up the fantastic writing!
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