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Review by Tala Wolff
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Interesting story, but in terms of how it's written I think there are a couple things I would definitely suggest you work on. First of all, make sure you catch all those spelling errors! I don't like to be a grammar nazi, but I just am at heart. Things like "guard" and "lightning" should be fixed (those are two specific examples I noted from the final chapter). I would also suggest varying the structure more. There is a lot of "Dialogue," said Cody. "Dialogue," said Ax with a frown. Try to mix it up more so it doesn't get too boring to see the same structure over and over in an almost accidental pattern. Kind of on a similar note, vary your sentence structure more. Most of the sentences begin with a character's name. Try some variation like "Shaking his head, eyes locked onto the ground, he realized what the problem was." Rather than "He realized what the problem was." Basically add a layer of description in between all of the dialogue and action. This will help build up the mental image of the piece for the reader without straight up saying "this is what he's feeling, this is what he's doing, this is what's happening." Try to let the readers draw their own conclusions sometime, just subtly direct them to where they understand what the characters are feeling without being told straight out. Nonetheless, this is a piece of impressive length (I can tell that you really love the story and love writing it!), so well done and keep writing!
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