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12 Public Reviews Given
0 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Emergence  
Review by DrGilmo
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
King of the Hill Competition


That's a pretty good story -- great ending. I didn't expect him to eat the baby at all.

It didn't claim the top spot, but you can always re-enter. You've got talent, so it shouldn't be too tough to topple the current champion.

I look forward to reading your next entry,
DrGilmo

P.S. I'm including the GP that I'll be auto-rewarded, you already paid the 100 GP entry fee.
2
2
Review of Beach Scene  
Review by DrGilmo
Rated: E | (4.0)
King of the Hill Contest


While this may be a quality poem, it won't be knocking the current champion out of the spotlight. I saw that you had a short story, so good luck.

DrGilmo
3
3
Review of Math  
Review by DrGilmo
Rated: E | (5.0)
That's really creative. For some reason, as predictable as the end was, I didn't see it coming. *Pthb*

Might want to change "one unhappy girl" to "1 unhappy girl" to keep with the form.

Once again, good work.
4
4
Review of Comatose  
Review by DrGilmo
Rated: E | (4.5)
A few minor grammar fixes:

"...wished for a diving being to give her their..."
I assume you mean "divine being"

"...spouts of psycho-analyzation of her..."
Might want to rethink using "of" twice, it hinders the flow of the sentence.

"translated and unleashed on the unsuspecting frightened her."
There should be a comma after "frightened"

"and compacted. Simplified to the"
You might consider replacing the period with "--"

Very good, I enjoyed reading your work. I love longer syntax and higher level diction.

Keep it up.
5
5
Review of Lone Wolf  
Review by DrGilmo
Rated: E | (3.5)
A pretty good story, especially for your first post.

Likes:
The way you developed their senses.
The description of their shift.

Fixes:
Just a few suggestions.

"his 16 year old age mate"
his 16 year old mate.

"of the town ass naked."
of the town bare-assed* naked.

"Trey with a hard cold fury, then continued"
Trey with a hard,* cold fury, then continued

"looking at him, witing for his answer."
*waiting

" A pair are will spot danger faster
A pair will spot danger faster...

"let him come, or rather she had no"
let him come, or rather,* she had no

"she led he way through the dark"
*the

"through the dark twisting streets of Lupine"
through the dark,* twisting streets of Lupine

"had caught their fresh scent from their shift"
had caught the* fresh scent from their shift

"gone and theywere sure"
gone and they *were sure

"Jumping from roof to roof they worked"
Jumping from roof to roof,* they worked

"Nodding at Trey's knowledge"
Rethink this wording, doesn't sound right

"of town, and the forest"
of town and the forest

"saw the she wolf finishing"
saw teh she-wolf* finishing

"she strode toward the town square. The tall female strode with"
Might want to rethink the use of "strode" twice

"of silver heapons and multiple"
*weapons

"still loose enought to"
*enough

Keep up the good work. I'm a new writer too. Take a look at my portfolio if you get a chance.
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