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Review of I WISH  
Review by drievisjes
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

I really liked your poem about playing in the rain. This one has a good subject, has good imagery and is trying to convey a feeling. From the way I write it is in the first stage where I try to get the feeling down on paper using words more than imagery which is a good start. First some grammatical comments. The second line is in the past tense while the rest of the poem is in present tense. On the sixth line the first your is incorrect, it should be you're or better yet, you were. The second to last line is different from the rest (i can't think off the top of my head the term for this) but here your verb ends with -ing (asking) where all your other verbs (actions) for yourself do not. It would be better for the line to be 'My heart sings a song while I ask a prayer,' IMHO.
Now for the hard part (and more subjective). I tend to think that poems that are trying to convey a strong emotion do it better when they do not come right out and state what they want to say but rather use words that elicit the emotion in a round about way which may not make sense as part of a sentence, or sometimes you bring out the feeling by what you don't say. Your poem comes right out and states your feelings, you don't make the reader do any work, there is no mystery. Also, give more detail as to the surroundings and don't be held back by fact. If this is relating an actual event and you were in your bedroom but the poem is better with you in a hotel room that is red, go with what better relays the feeling. The line 'drawn by the slope of your hip' is good, it tells of desire without actually stating it but the first part of the line takes away from the understatement. 'my eyes follow the curve as i'm drawn by the slope of your hip' sounds much better. 'as you dream black waves of silk lap your sides and a smile slowly curls at the edge of your lip' (i like the image of 'a smile curled up at the edge of your lip' btw) gives the reader an image as to the surroundings and what is going on. try to say things in a new and different way. 'My heart gets too full' is an image that has been over used, try to use different imagery to state the feeling. Pale moon light is another phrase that is over used (i think i have used it a time or two), it doesn't mean that you shouldn't use it but see if you can find another way to express the idea before settling on it. Maybe 'your face echoes the pale glow of the golden moon' or 'pale moonlight caresses your face', play around with it and don't get stuck on the moon, try other things like the sunset, the sun's first rays or candles... experiment. Oh, and one last thing, there is definitely a lot I in the poem.
That's my 75 GPs worth <grin>. I hope this helps and I'd like to see what you do with it as it progresses. Good work!
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