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26
26
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and good morning. I'm Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing The Effects of Hypothyroidism for my challenge in kiyasama's a very Wodehouse challenge. Please remember that these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you find the most helpful.

First Impressions:
I have hypothyroidism and have been taking hormone for four years. Some days are better than others and your article really explains that well. You have done thorough research for this essay.

Overall Thoughts:
I thought the research and content was impeccable - I could relate to the content very well. However, the way some sentences are written, the structure is awkward. For example:

Hypothyroidism is more commonly found in women than in men. Which can be a problem but can be dealt with. Most women do not realize that they have the disease until they start gaining weight or can’t maintain it, which is the most tell-tale sign that you have hypothyroidism.(Hypothyroidism) Some women do not realize they have the disease, because they get it during their pregnancy, because of the imbalance of hormones occurring throughout their body.(Arem) If the woman does have hypothyroidism and does not know it during her pregnancy, it can result in a miscarriage.

My suggestion:

Hypothyroidism is more commonly found in women than in men. Although the disease can be seen as a major problem, but can be easily dealt with. Most women do not realize that they have the disease until they start gaining weight or can’t maintain it, which is the most tell-tale sign that you have hypothyroidism (Hypothyroidism). Some women do not realize they have the disease until a blood test confirms it because hypothyroidism is not well known by the masses. Hypothyroidism usually results from Hashimoto's thyroiditis, an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid gland, and sometimes pregnancy because of the imbalance of hormones occurring throughout their body.(Arem) If the woman does have hypothyroidism and does not know it during her pregnancy, it can result in a miscarriage.

I would suggest proofreading this carefully and look for awkward fragments. Other than that, I thought you did a thorough job. Also, research autoimmune thyroid disease - they usually result in hypothyroidism and it can be devastating.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Thank you for writing this. Keep researching and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo and good morning! I am Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing The Maid on the Hill. Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions; feel free to use whichever you find the most helpful.

Overall Thoughts:
This isn't bad for your first poem. It does need some work, but I like your concept. First, I would suggest breaking this poem into stanzas. Stanzas make it easier to read if it's a longer poem. With some more word play, I believe this will be a longer poem.

You do have good details, but you tell us rather than show us. This can be boring for a reader. Give us good imagery so we can imagine what is happening, rather than being told what is happening. That imagination is what makes a story or poem interesting and fuller. I would also try sticking to a form - whether it's free verse or fixed form; right now I'm not sure what to make of rhythm and flow. The poem doesn't really flow smoothly.

Final Thoughts:
This is a great start for someone who is new to writing poetry. With some revisions, this poem can be awesome! Just remember to keep at it and it'll come as second nature. Keep creating and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good evening. I'm Future Mrs. B and I will be reviewing Sharpened Claws.... Please remember that these are only my thoughts and opinions; please use whichever you find the most helpful.

Overall Thoughts:
This was an interesting poem.I really liked the rhythm and flow because it worked with the imagery. The imagery had a dark twist to it, but with religious symbolism. I think this is another interesting way to look at abuse.

I would recommend proofreading this. Although it doesn't look like there are any mechanical errors, I always suggest going back to proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Keep writing! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of She Said...  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Joy and good afternoon! I hope you're enjoying a hot, humid afternoon in the indoors writing your next poem or short story. *BigSmile* I'm Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing She Said.... Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to use which you find most helpful.

First Impressions:
I really love this poem, Joy. I think it's really simple and I like how She Said... tells a universal story in a plain way without melodrama. You did a beautiful job writing She Said...!

Overall Thoughts:
I love the rhythm and flow of She Said.... I love how it is free verse instead of having a form. The meter in which the free verse is told in really works with the message that is trying to be conveyed. I think it adds to the simpleness of this piece.

I do like that there is some drama in She Said... which complicates the poem a bit. I think your poem really reflects life and the way the drama of life is folded into the rhythm really makes this poem beautiful. I really love this poem.

I have found no mechanical errors, however, I always suggest to people to go back and proofread to make sure they are conveying all they want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the great work and write on! I look forward to reading more poetry! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review of AN ODE TO WOMAN  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and good morning! My name is Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing AN ODE TO WOMAN. Please remember that these are only my opinions; please feel free to use them or disregard where you see fit.

First Impressions:
I really like the rhyme scheme and the flow of AN ODE TO WOMAN; the poem is beautifully written. You also have some surprises in here, which can be good depending on the reader.

Overall Impressions:
Reading the one review you received, I can agree a bit. I believe in Monotheism, but believe that although God is called "He"in the Holy Books, God isn't a gender we would recognize. God is God - encompassing everything and I don't think it does justice to assign God a gender based on our limited, Earthly knowledge of what genders are.

I'm not sure about your response to the reviewer. You paint a very broad stroke about different faiths. Yes, some believers are misogynists, but not all of them are. You should not judge an entire faith based on certain believers. I'm not sure these reviews and your responses should be made under the poem. It really does detract from the poem.

Since this review is about the poem, I will review the poem. I thought the poem was almost perfect. You have a great rhythm and flow. I love the rhyme scheme and the way you play with the words work. It's not a jumbled mess like when others try to write a poem to rhyme. I also like the imagery. It is a good idea to think about God in another light as well.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Sorry if I seemed a little grumpy. Sometimes I get tired of people painting with a broad stroke. I do believe the endings with the review and your response does take away from the poem. Let AN ODE TO WOMAN stand on its own feet and let the reader decide for themselves what they should learn from this poem. Have a great day! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review of The Seasons  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello and good afternoon! My name is Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing The Seasons. Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions; feel free to use whichever you find the most helpful.

First Impressions:
Although a senryu is typical short, you do a very lovely job of writing The Seasons. You pack a lot of imagery and emotions into this simple, yet complex piece.

Overall Thoughts:
I love the rhythm and flow of The Seasons. This is definitely more mature than a haiku and it really tells the story of life, living, and death while telling the story of the seasons very well. I love your use of images and the word choice you used for The Seasons. It's definitely philosophical and it made me think.

I found no mechanical errors and I thought the lack of punctuation worked well with this piece. However; as I suggest this to every writer, it doesn't hurt to go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
I'll have to read more of your portfolio later and I can't wait. I like what I'm reading so far - keep up the great work and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hallo and good evening. I'm Future Mrs. B and as I beat the heat of the day and relaxing my aching leg, I have read The Lament of Saint Joseph and I will be reviewing this poem for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you find the most helpful.

First Impressions:
I'm not really familiar with the story of Saint Joseph, so I can't really comment on the religious aspects of The Lament of Saint Joseph; however, I will get the copy of the Bible I have to familiarize myself with the connotations. I thought the way you laid out this piece was very beautiful and very descriptive. It made me feel a sense of sorrow.

Overall Thoughts:
I really loved the rhythm and flow of The Lament of Saint Joseph. I loved the ABAB rhyme scheme because it added to the emotional depth of this piece. It almost reminded me of Walt Whitman's poetry with the way it flows and the imagery that it portrays.

However, as I page through the NIV Bible I have, I didn't see it right away. After Googling Saint Joseph, I see he's in Matthew. I knew he was Jesus's father, but I wasn't sure of his further contributions. I know this is meant for religious folks, but I would suggest putting a background at the end of this because anyone can read this. I think putting St. Joseph's story would be important for this and it'll make your message a bit clearer to non-religious or spiritual people.

Other than that, I thought this read almost perfectly and beautifully. I suggest this to everyone: go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Beautiful and wonderfully written. I'm glad you wrote this, even though I'm more spiritual, I am glad I read this and learned something. Keep up the good work and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of Shaman's Trance  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Perhaps and happy Thursday! I'm Future Mrs. B and today I am beating the heat and resting my aching leg, so I have decided to read/review Shaman's Trance for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to use whichever you find helpful.

First Impressions:
What an interesting format! I'm not sure if starting in the center of a page on a website is the way to go - I can see for a book because there isn't scrolling, but it might not be popular for someone who uses this website on a PC. I was a little taken aback from the empty space and scrolling. Other than that, I like the tabbing and the way you formatted the rest of the poem.

Overall Impressions:
Although I was taken aback by the centering, I really liked your poem and I really liked what you were conveying. I really loved the imagery in Shaman's Trance as well as the rhythm & flow. The rhythm & flow was perfect and evoked a calmness in me. Thank you for that. However, as I always suggest to writers, go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey. You might have missed some things you wanted to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the good work and keep writing! You have a lot of talent. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day. ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Summertime and turtlemoon-dohi ! I hope you're having a nice September afternoon. *Bigsmile* I'm Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing Summertime's 2 Haiku and Other Splashes of Color. Please remember these are only my opinions to help improve upon Summertime's writing talents; feel free to take whichever suggestions you find the most helpful!

First Impressions:
Wow, Summertime, these haiku and your last poem are AWESOME. You have a lot of talent and an eye for detail. I really love "At the Creek" because it almost reminds me of a poem in the style for two voices. If you want, check out the book Joyful Noise: Poems for Two Voices by Paul Fleischman because it's a great way to learn more about nature poems. I can send a link to your grandmother.

Overall Thoughts:

Haiku:
*Bullet*Follows the traditional format well- 5,7,5 rule and it's about nature.
*Bullet*Beautiful imagery and wonderful detail.
*Bullet*Alliteration and clever arrangement of words.

"At the Creek":
*Bullet*Rhythm and flow is perfect - it reads like a song where it just flows off your tongue.
*Bullet*Imagery - it feels like I'm at a creek on a beautiful day. I can hear the water rushing and the sun shining down on me.
*Bullet*Clever arrangement of words.

I think if you check out poems for two voices, I think "At the Creek" could easily become one and it would be such a fun format to read with your friends. You and your friends could make it like a song or a dramatic reading. *Smile*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the great work, Summertime! You really have a gift and I can't wait to read more of your work. I hope you have a great day! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review of Dandelion Clocks  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Fi and good evening (at least it's late afternoon/early evening in Eastern USA). I'm Future Mrs. B and since I'm beating the heat today, I decided to check out the Kiwis group and stumbled upon your portfolio. Dandelion Clocks struck my fancy and I'll be reviewing this poem for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my opinions.

First Impressions:
Wow, I really like how you align this poem; it looks like pieces of dandelions flowing about in the wind. Very creative because I love form poetry like this. *Bigsmile* It really gives Dandelion Clocks a nice airy feel.

Overall Thoughts:
I really love the imagery and the way you play with the words. It almost feels like Dandelion Clocks has a philosophical feel to it and I like that; it makes the reader think. The only suggestion I have is add punctuation at the end of each stanza so the reader can take a pause. I think that will give the reader time to reflect as well.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Wonderful writing and I'll have to check out the rest of your port at a later time. Keep creating and keep writing! I hope you have a wonderful day and a wonderful end to your weekend. ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review of Evening escape  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello adrift and Happy Labor Day (if you're an American resident)! I hope you're enjoying *Confettib* Writing.com's Fourteenth Birthday Celebration! *Confettio* I'm Future Mrs. B and I will be reviewing Evening Escape for kiyasama's A VERY WODEHOUSE CHALLENGE. Please remember these are only my opinions, feel free to take whichever are the most helpful to you.

First Impressions:
Line spacing? It's too spaced out. I thought this was a good start to a poem, but I thought it was too literal. You do have some good imagery, but I think it becomes lost in some places of the poem. I do like the message though and I believe we all have our own "evening escapes."

Overall Thoughts:

Mechanics:
*Bullet* I mentioned line spacing; I'd suggest checking out "Enhance Your Item With WritingML"  just to get an idea of all the neat things you can do with your work. I remember when I started out and would copy and paste from Word; line spacing was always an issue and it does take patience to correct it (backspace, then two stanzas will be on the same line, to break it up: "shift + enter" and the stanza will be directly below the first stanza without so much space). I'm nitpicky like that, and maybe other readers aren't... but I always HATED double spacing in school because it was so distracting.

*Bullet* How about punctuation? Punctuation in poetry acts as a guide for the reader to tell us when to pause to take a break, etc. I see no guides in here, right now it reads as very fast. I don't think you want that for this poem: this poem looks like it's a reflection poem and you need breaking points in this for us to reflect your message.

*Bullet* I like the rhyme, but maybe it shouldn't be "AA/BB/CC..." rhyme scheme because that can limit you and your word choices. Which brings me too...

Overall Theme of Evening Escape:

This is a good start for a poem: look at this as an outline of where you can truly go with this. I like most of the imagery of this, but I feel like you can describe things some more. Paint a picture for the reader with your word choice and diction. For example, you talk about the stars; but what do those stars look like? Are the twinkling stars that stay in place, are they shooting stars, or a combination of both? How about the rest of the celestial bodies like the moon, planets, Milky Way, etc? This is where I believe more figurative language should come into play. Don't make things so literal. I think readers would be able to relate better to the figurative and it might make it a more philosophical read about our present realities and the dreams and hopes we use to shape our "evening escape." This is when the "AA/BB/CC..." rhyme scheme might limit you. I would play around and see what happens, it might be surprising!

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
You did a nice job with this poem and I believe this is a great starting outline for deeper thoughts. I hope I didn't sound too critical; I remember when I first started writing poetry, I hated it; but I kept writing and you learn a lot as you keep writing. If you have any questions, feel free to message me. Welcome to Writing.com and enjoy your day. Write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello John Nation and good afternoon. My name is Future Mrs. B and to beat the heat on this day before Labor Day, I decided to peruse Writing.com and came upon Grandma and the Kite; I've decided to review your essay for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember that these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you found helpful.

First Impressions:
Awww, this made me tear up a little bit, but I think most of us can relate to Grandma and the Kite. It actually gave me an idea for an essay I'd like to write and include in "Lily of My Heart"   by Future Mrs. B , a book I started writing about my grandma. I really loved how you played with your word choice and sentence usage - great job!

Overall Thoughts:
I really love how you opened this piece with the time period you were a young boy. I love how you give some description of the early 1950s because younger readers (like myself) might not be too familiar with that time period and it's always good to introduce the reader to that period so there are no shockers. I love the way you introduce your grandma, then describe her - she sounds just like my grandmother! I also love the detail of the adventures you would go on, especially while flying that kite. I think everyone can relate to this Grandma and the Kite, but you did a wonderful job painting your own unique experience in a way to keep readers interested.

I found no spelling or mechanical errors; however, I have a question for you: what is TG&Y? Is it like a Woolworths or a Five and Ten shop? I've never heard of TG&Y, so I would definitely add a sentence to describe what exactly TG&Y is (I know, I know, I can Google it... BUT, readers shouldn't have to Google something while reading a story).

I watched him for about five more minutes, drifting higher into the sky. Soon he disappeared as he flew out of sight. I have always prayed that he flew high enough to reach Grandma.

I liked this because I feel like it could represent something philosophical. It's great for deep thought. However, maybe add something about the deeper meaning of that dragon. Foreshadow to what was coming up in your life? At 17, you're a senior in high school... maybe add something about that, the dragon's spirit is in you, but maybe the kite going to Grandma can symbolize how you wish she was still with you to see your spirit and accomplishments. Just an idea, though.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Wonderful essay! I can't wait to read more of your work! I see you're relatively new to Writing.com and I want to give you a warm welcome to the community. Keep up the great work and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo Eliot and good afternoon! I am Future Mrs. B and since I am beating the heat today, I will be reviewing Lines Out of Asheville for the RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember that these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you find to be the most helpful!

First Impressions:
Ah, I love the layout because it reminds me of when my friend and I drove to Asheville from South Carolina. It was in March 2009 and they had a freak snow storm and it was so interesting driving the snowy, windy roads to Asheville. I love your word choice because it evoked some strong memories. *Bigsmile*

Overall Thoughts:
I love the stream of conscious writing of this and even though it's stream of conscious, you chose the words very carefully. As I stated above, I love the images you evoked not only because it brought back good memories, but I think any reader regardless if they have been to Asheville or not would appreciate it. I found no mechanical or usage errors; however, I always suggest this to everyone: go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey to readers! You might be missing a key that you want to show.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Thank you for sharing this and thanks for giving me an idea of something I can write! It's been five years since I've been to Asheville, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Keep up the great work and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Review of My big dream  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello and good afternoon. My name is Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing My big dream for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my thoughts, feel free to take any suggestion you want.

First Impressions:
So, where does the story fall in the series from what I read the other day? Is this part II? Will this be in a collection? I think these are important questions because they will help you plan the stories forward. Also, as much as I hate to say it, but the reality for these situations that you write about in the end... it doesn't always have a happy ending. Sometimes the cops try, but they can't. Sometimes cops aren't nice either and I think they'd be suspicious to why she didn't come forward earlier. I would go from that angle and Nik's the one that helps in this situation.

Mechanics:
Suggestions are bolded. I would find a way to incorporate the bolded into the story instead of relying on parentheses or other techniques.

There was a bit of quiet for a minute, but then the Twins skated over. Hank lightly tapped me on the leg with his stick, which I returned. "Who's your favorite player?" "When I was growing up, it was Stevie. Back in 2002, when he played through the playoffs with that horrible knee injury? Up until that point, I'd always respected him. But that was when he became my biggest hero." Hank smirked. "And now?" I smiled. "Kronner. I try to play my game like him." I lifted my head and laughed at the Twins' reactions. "That doesn't mean that you guys aren't great! Kronner is just who I play like." Nik wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tight, causing me to hug him back. -aldsfjalksdfjlaksdfjl;askdfj. I just hugged my favorite player!!- - what’s this? I would get rid of this.

"What made you want to play hockey", Hank asked, passing me the puck. I smiled and took a hard slapshot at the net, causing Nik to raise an eyebrow. I laughed and slapped a high-five with him before I turned back to Hank. "Seeing you guys win the cup. It was like magic to me. (I stop for a second to look at the banners hanging on the rafters.) Seeing those banners up there and seeing them being raised... it just was special. I loved it." Pavel smiled over at me. "It is special! It's one of the most special things in the world." I smiled back, thinking off all those times I'd watched my boys lift the cup. I can see why it was so special: it's every hockey players dream. I am no different. "Is it more special than winning a gold medal, Pav", Hank asked. I burst out as Pavel sent him a glare. Hank and Nik had won the gold medal for Sweden back in 2006, which was probably why they were teasing him about it. "Can you guys just leave him alone?! I want to play some hockey!" Hank gently tapped my leg with his stick and Nik gently squeezed my shoulder. "Sure, squirt! We can do that." I smirked and gave him two hard taps on the leg. "Good! You want to show me your best slapshot?"

This part made me laugh though: "You hit, you get hit.. sometimes you win and sometimes you lose,that's just the way it is and that's just the way it SHOULD be. Those are your own words." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Are you stalking me?!"
I burst out laughing. "Stalking you?! I don't stalk my heroes, silly! No, I saw the interview where you said that on Youtube. I've tried to relate that statement to life, too. I'm obsessed with this one celebrity and could see me doing that, totally.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Not bad, but as I suggested, it could use some work. I like your characterization; the characterization is strong, it's just unbelievable because they're too good to be true for life. Keep up the good work and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya beetle and good morning! Thank you for participating in my "Happy 25th Birthday, Jessica!"   by Future Mrs. B contest. I hope you enjoyed the festivities! I am still in the process of editing images to put on Writing.com to send around to everyone. *Bigsmile* Anyway, I will be reviewing Strawberry Shortcake (Cream On Top) for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions; take whichever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
Wow! Strawberry Shortcake (Cream on Top) was AMAZING! I really liked what you did with the prompt. I liked the romance, the suspense, the characters, everything.

Overall Impressions:
Although the story was a bit over 1000 words, I feel like I knew Danion, Kyle, and Janis very well... like they've been my friends for several years. You personalize them well, but I'm not sure if I could picture them. I would give them more concrete details or what they look like. I have a few suggestions:

Janis Harte greeted Danion enthusiastically, hugging him carefully around the cake. He hugged her back with one arm, the other protectively curled around the cake. “Hey, there, troublemaker. Am I the last one here?”

I would re-word this. It sounds like Janis is hugging Danion through the cake. I’d maybe say, “Janis Harte greeted Danion enthusiastically; being careful of the cake, Janis hugged him.”

Seemingly too Victorian a word for a relationship that hadn’t even happened, yet (beyond admission of reciprocated feelings and a good-bye kiss that’d admittedly made Danion’s knees utterly weak), pining was exactly what Danion had been doing since Kyle got on that plane. Pining and trying not to change.

Though that might be too Victorian of a word for a relationship that hadn’t even happened, yet (beyond admission of reciprocated feelings and a good-bye kiss that’d admittedly made Danion’s knees utterly weak), pining was exactly what Danion had been doing since Kyle got on that plane. Pining and trying not to change.

I have the Word document of changes, I can e-mail them to you. DON'T WORRY! THERE WEREN'T MANY CORRECTIONS, SOME SUGGESTIONS BUT I OVERALL LIKED THE PIECE!. I found no mechanical or grammatical errors; however, it doesn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Thanks again for entering "Happy 25th Birthday, Jessica!"   by Future Mrs. B contest! Next year I'm going to make it a little bit bigger. The last time I ran this, 6 years ago, it was pretty big... but I'm finally getting back into running contests and managing my port. Hopefully next year I'll be moved and things will be less crazy. I hope you enjoyed writing Strawberry Shortcake (Cream on Top) and good luck! Keep up the great work and write on!

This was a review for:
A Simply Positive multi-signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review of Cinder Doll  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Fivesixer and good evening! It has been a hot day, but I suppose it's almost July after all. As I sit in a nice air conditioned room, I had to take a look at Cinder Doll, which I'll be reviewing for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions; take whichever you find helpful.

First Impressions:
I have my former poetry professor's comment in my mind when I showed her a piece I wrote: "Ah, I can tell you were young when you wrote this. It's such a fresh piece, which is characterized by youngness." What the heck does that mean, right? I still ponder that at times, but I could tell this was written by a younger self (early 20s?) because of the rawness and emotions in it. I think it works to an extent.

Overall Thoughts:
I really like the play on the word "aloud" for "allowed." Since you're musically inclined, it works. *Guitar* I like the overall imagery and I can picture what you're conveying well. However, I'm not sure if the flow works or the rhythm. Since I would call this a "history" piece of a piece for the archives, I'm not sure if you should change anything. I think it's one of those pieces you should look back on and reflect on what you have learned over the years.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Thank you for sharing one of your earlier pieces. It's interesting to see what we were thinking at a certain age. I assume you were 22/23 when you wrote this because I felt that way at that age. Keep up the great work and write on! ~Jessica
 
FORUM
Happy 25th Birthday, Jessica!  (18+)
CLOSED UNTIL MY 26th BIRTHDAY ON JULY 4, 2015!
#1997841 by Future Mrs. B


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Donovan Noire and good morning. Happy Caturday! I see you are new to Writing.com; welcome! I'm Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing The Ballad of the Birds for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my opinions; take whichever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
I'm not really sure what to make of this imagery. You start out well, but I think you should research different bird species to see their personality and base the poem off of the different personalities.

Overall Thoughts:
With that said, I think by researching different birds will give the poem more depth. This poem doesn't have much depth and it just reads. There is no imagery or any flow. I think giving this poem more flow would be helpful too. I think the last line "For whom the bells may toll." might work. I found no mechanical or usage errors; however, it wouldn't hurt to go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Not a bad start. I remember writing similarly when I first started writing. Keep at it and keep writing! We grow from just writing everything and sharing it with the world. Write on and have a great day! Again, welcome to Writing.com, we're a helpful and friendly bunch. ~Jessica

You're invited to my birthday party! Please join me as I turn a quarter of a century!
 
FORUM
Happy 25th Birthday, Jessica!  (18+)
CLOSED UNTIL MY 26th BIRTHDAY ON JULY 4, 2015!
#1997841 by Future Mrs. B


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Book Rule  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ahlewis32 and good afternoon! It's me Future Mrs. B [Jessica] and I just saw your entry in my guestbook (I'll be updating it since I saw a lot of invalid links), so here I am to raid your port. I'll be reviewing The Book Rule for RAOK Upgrade Brigade. Please remember that these are only my opinions; take whichever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
As soon as I saw the line, "I grew up a preacher's daughter," I couldn't help thinking of Toby Keith's God Love Her   because that's one of my favorite songs. Anyway, I love the imagery of this piece. Back when I was a Catholic, I remember I used to draw on the take home programs as a child. Nan would hand me her pen and I would just doodle. My dad would doodle along with me. Fortunately, we never made a loud ruckus even if we did laugh from time to time. This story gave me a good laugh. *Laugh*

Overall Thoughts:
I really liked this memoir. It had great imagery, great anecdotes and you made me laugh. You're a very talented storyteller and I love your writing style in this piece. I found no mechanical errors; however, it wouldn't hurt to go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey to us readers.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sure we have plenty of embarrassing stories as a kid. *Bigsmile* It now makes me want to write about my church experience as a kid. I hope you have a wonderful day and write on! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Police Lines  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Fivesixer ! Good afternoon, I hope you had a wonderful day. It's me Future Mrs. B [Jessica] and I'll be reviewing Police Lines for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you find the most helpful.

First Impressions:
I really like this poem; are you married? Why I ask because I like the play on words "I miss you./I MISS-ES YOU." I think this whole poem is very clever and I like the word play. *Bigsmile*

Overall Thoughts:
I really like the rhythm to Police Lines. Have you put it to music yet? For the some reason, I think this would work as a power ballad (not quite Talk Dirty to Me or Every Rose Has Its Thorn but maybe Between the Lines or Without You). I also love the rhyme scheme, which adds more to flow. I found no mechanical errors, however, I always suggest to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Rock on! *Guitar* I can't wait to raid your port to see more of your writing style. Write on and have a great evening! ~Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Poem Set #5  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello The AWOL Writer and good morning. I see you're a newbie at Writing.com; welcome! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Poem Set #5 for kiyasama's a very WODEHOUSE challenge. Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you find the most helpful.

First Impressions:
Wow, these poems are really random. I was expecting the poems to be sciency with the first poem, but the other two were emotional. It's not bad that they are random, but they should be related because it sets the tone for the reader.

Overall Thoughts:
I am going to break it down by each poem:

Chemistry For Breakfast
I actually really liked this one; I liked the creativity of it. I also found some humor in it, but some bitterness as well. This one really spoke to me.
Rating: *Star***Star***Star***Star***Star*

Memories
The opening reminded me of a David Bowie song (that Nirvana later covered) called "Man Who Sold The World." To me, this poem is very cliche. I think you start it off well, but it falls apart. I would suggest soul searching and thinking of why you really feel alone.
Rating: *Star***Star***Star***Star*

Dreamscape
Eeek! This poem is a hot mess. To me, the poem feels forced with the rhymes you use. There is nothing wrong with rhyme, but it should come naturally. I had a poetry professor say to me: "this poem feels new. Let it rest a while, go back later with fresh eyes and see what you can change." I'd suggest that. Go back at a later time and see what you feel/think.
Rating: *Star***Star***Star*

Overall Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Not a bad start! With practice, you'll become an impeccable writer! Welcome to Writing.com; we're a friendly bunch and we all love to help! Write on and have a good day! ~Jessica
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Review of Travel Pictures  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sum1 and good evening! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Travel Pictures for kiyasama's a very Wodehouse challenge. Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to take whichever you find the most helpful!

Overall Thoughts:
These are really beautiful photos! What kind of camera do you use? If you haven't already, you should definitely write about your travels. Travel writing is so much fun, especially when you take pictures as well. *Bigsmile*

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Star*

I hope you have a great evening and keep snapping and traveling! Happy Friday!~Jessica
"Mein Urlaub In Deutschland"   by Future Mrs. B ; "I Survived the Polar Plunge in Pictures"   by Future Mrs. B ; "Jessica's Detroit Trip"   by Future Mrs. B
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Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi The StoryMistress and good morning! I'll be reviewing Natural Beauty for kiyasama's a very Wodehouse challenge. Please remember these are only my opinions; take whichever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
Beautiful images! I love the flowers and I believe flowers are one of the best ways to alleviate grief. I also love the image for the "thinking of you" cNote. That had to be my favorite with the angle and lighting - breathtaking!

Overall Thoughts:
I love how simple these cards are. I am thinking of creating my own cNotes again and these gave me some ideas. You did a wonderful job with these cNotes!

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Beautiful! I am going to send one of these. Have a great day! ~Jessica
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Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good afternoon. My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Which Sonic Character is Your Father for kiyasama's a very Wodehouse challenge. Please remember these are only my opinions, please feel free to take whichever you find helpful.

First Impressions:
I love these types a quizzes! Although I haven't watched Sonic in a good 20 years, it was still a lot of fun to take even if I had to look up Scourge.

Overall Thoughts:
You put a lot of thought into this quiz. Even though I haven't seen Sonic in two decades, you made it general enough for real life while relating it to a Sonic character. I think that is very important for quizzes, especially quizzes like this.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the good work and write on! Have a good day! ~Jessica
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Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good morning. My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Green and Blue Line for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions; take whatever you find helpful.

First Impressions:
I thought this poem was a good start; however, I feel like you could add more to it. You left me questioning certain things about this poem: is this person in the woods and will this person be conquering something in the woods? Or is it something totally different and figurative? Poetry should be figurative, but expand upon the story some more.

Overall Thoughts:
I thought Green and Blue Line had a lot of wonderful imagery. I start to see a story in the pictures you paint, but I think if you expand upon the image and add more nuances, it'll be a bright picture that tells a wonderful story. I would suggest adding a stanza about the "far as the eagle's sight" line to introduce the reader to the problem or at least ease them into the poem. I would also add something under "slowly the young man continues" that would be a resolution to this poem.

Mechanics:
I found a few mechanical errors:

Far as the eagles sight
Far as the eagle's sight

Slowly the young man continue
Slowly the young man continues.

Rating:
*Star* * *Star* * *Star* * *Star*

Final Thoughts:
Great start! Welcome to Writing.com; it's a wonderful community of helpful writers and crafters.If you have any questions or want to chat, feel free to message me. Have a great day!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Unstoppable  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello and good evening, beetle ! *Smile* I am Jessica and I'll be reviewing Unstoppable which is a prompt that uses lyrics from Unstoppable by Twiztid  . Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to use whatever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
Unstoppable is one of my favorite songs by Twiztid and I think this story captures Monoxide's lyrics perfectly. I could feel the tension, an argument, and someone not giving up despite the odds. I remember feeling that way in November when this song became my anthem and the feelings of desperation perfectly. You did a great job with this prompt.

Overall Thoughts:
I like your take on the lyrics; I would have never thought of a boxing match! I think it's perfect. *Bigsmile* I thought Unstoppable read mostly well, but I noticed in some areas where things were awkward or sounded off. Let me show you a few instances (I have more comments on the one I printed out, I'll scan them and send them to you in an e-mail):

“Relatively doesn’t mean actually, Reen.”

“—and I’m pretty sure that if I keep her dancing and land some quick blows, I can—”

“You can what? Babe, she’s never been defeated in her professional career! Never!” Diana uncrossed her arms and ran her hands up into the tangly thicket of her curly hair, tugging on it in frustration. I felt bad for putting her through this, but I was iron. I was steel. I wasn’t gonna be moved. Not even by my best girl.

“There’re some people out there that think I’m pretty damn good, myself,” I said—meant to say confidently, but it just came out small and hurt. Diana stopped tugging on her hair to search my eyes then sighed and crossed the room, sitting next to me as she grabbed my taped right hand. Hers was cool against my hot, puffed flesh.

Other than that, I thought everything else read well; however, it wouldn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey!

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
You did a great job! I feel like tweeting this story to Twiztid now to show them your interpretation on their song. *Bigsmile* It's also inspiring me to write my own. Keep up the great work and write on! Can't wait to read more! *Star*NIGHT! *Star* *Moon*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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