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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by S. F. Lombardi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Draconic Chronicler,

Nice read! Just one technical thing - "...rightful place place at...", but other than that, no other technical errors.

I wonder if the story would be better if there were greater conflict and a more definitive "want", or rather, a goal that the characters set out to accomplish to make it more of a story and less of a vignette. In this case, maybe Yahweh's jealously may cause the dragon to team up with his brother to overthrow Kalinaptryx. Of course, you can take expansion ideas and go on forever with them, but I'd like to see more conflict. Maybe a shift in narrative so the story is told by a sacrificial virgin would solve this problem.

Good writing!
2
2
Review by S. F. Lombardi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Dershem,

Nice read! I have some suggestions - it appears that the killer needs to give the dead whore's necklace/amulet to his daughter as a plot device. I feel that if he saw the amulet, the situation would cause him to throw it away - get rid of it in anyway he can. A woman just died in his car, and the trauma he felt wouldn't be one that he would want to relive every time he sees the jewelery around his daughter's neck. BUT, if, say, his daughter was to enter the car later in the story and find the amulet on the ground, this can a) bring back the feelings of dread felt by the driver in the first scene, which would make for a nice interaction btw daughter and father, and b) be a more fluid and believable situation for the story's sake. "What... this amulet?? I... urhm... wanted you to have it! Damn thing must have slipped out of the box I bought it in." Idk, something like that.


Technical, "She turned to look the clouded-over windows as she saw movement in her peripheral vision but whatever it was had disappeared." I think a word may be missing here.

Also, I had some trouble following who was speaking the dialog. I wasn't sure if it was the ghost begging not to be hurt or if it were Amy until reading further.

Anyways, very good! As someone who had a bout with panic disorder, I must say you capture the feelings perfectly!

Thanks for the read. - Steve
3
3
Review by S. F. Lombardi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, very good! The story starts very quick and is told using a conservative amount of words. I really appreciate that - brevity is the soul of wit. The voice reminds me of a mix of Daniel Wallace and Rudyard Kipling. The story is told like a campfire story, in which the narrator is literally speaking to the reader, therefore the "show don't tell" rule does not need to apply. Here's a suggestion for the ending, when you reveal that the Sultan was the beggar/merchant/holy man; why not have him arise from his throne and walk towards Muhsin. With every step he takes, his body transforms into the people that Muhsin helped along the way. Since you introduced the Ifrit, the idea of having a Sultan who can use magic to change his appearance may not be too far fetched. "Showing" it to the readers may make for a better read then "telling" us.


Here are some technical things I spotted... there may be more, but I was so drawn in to the story that any other errors were easy to overlook:

He went into the marketplace, and spoke to the people, “Here me, O people..." - *Hear

“I have done nothing to serve you, Sultan. I have only spoken against you.” Muhsin said. - "... I have only spoken against you," Muhsin said.

The Sultan said “That is not true.” - The Sultan said, "That is not true."

"... innocent people, and I am going to hold you responsible for their lives.”

"Executioner. Take him away.” -

"... innocent people, and I am going to hold you responsible for their lives.

"Executioner. Take him away." (or Execution, take him away. - although that's a question of style.)



Thanks for the good read!
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