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190 Public Reviews Given
191 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am a very dedicated and sensitive reviewer when it comes to short stories and review all aspects of a story (plot, character composition, the nature of the story, core elements, grammar/spelling, general themes, etc.). I tend to read the entire work more than once and try my very best to put myself in both the character's and the author's shoes when reading this story. Authors should expect a total review, in which I point out the mistakes and areas of improvement, but also identify your strongest points in your writing. I specialize in short stories and minor in poetry. I am a bit more costly, but you can expect a solid review in a timely manner (see my previous reviews for examples).
I'm good at...
Short stories (all genres)
Favorite Genres
Fiction (all forms), Dark, Military, and Opinion
Least Favorite Genres
Emotional, Folklore, Gothic, or Religious
I will not review...
Erotica
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- ... Next
26
26
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (3.0)
I do like the continuation of this story, as this it brings back the emotions and the nervousness that you supplied in the first part, which is solid. I see that you've maintained the same format as before and you've added more detail about Ru (more actions, how she acts alone, etc.). I've definitely gotten a better understanding of Ru in this piece than the last and I feel more invest in her character and her well-being.

With that being said, there are some areas for improvement. Although you focused on Ru a lot more in this piece, we've lost a lot of information on Myra. From the last piece, it was still vague and unknown about Myra, but the reader still got some ideas to speculate with due to his actions (when he called, how he called, what he did when he called, etc.). In this, the reader just has an explicit uncertainty of "he may not show up" (and for unknown reasons). If this is intentional, then okay. Otherwise, I would give us more about Myra as well, as how this stands now, I am more invested towards Ru and this can create a character bias.

There seems to be a lot that has happened between Part 1 and Part 2. Give us more! Don't dump us at the romantic hotel without telling us how Myra somehow convinced Ru to take such an emotional and practical risk. How did they go from, "Ru...I want to meet you." to "I'm here at the Hunting Lodge?" This makes it a bit erratic and random to the reader, a bit difficult to accept. In addition, although we know of Ru's emotional investments in this relationship, but does that justify going to this lodge to (hopefully) meet someone? Although I know you didn't mean it, but it raised a danger flag for me. Lastly, the only method of communication you gave Ru was her phone, but you didn't show her using it or anything. She never checked it. She never set her alarm on her phone. She never left a message saying that she made it. I would adjust this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Ember
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a very interesting piece, as the emotions in it betray the reader and get us emotionally-invested in this relationship. I like the power that you have to offer with the words and the pauses in between them, as this hints at how we monitor and analyze technological pauses and translate them to meaning. I like the suspense and the hope that you've put in this work.

There are a couple grammatical errors that need to be corrected. After reviewing over your work, you should be able to find all of them (there were only a few that I could spot). There were also some times in which there may have been TOO much emotion and power in the words. Ru is having a bad day at work and Myra calls with his tragic message about it being over and Ru passes out? It reads a little excessive to me, but if you think it is necessary, then you should keep it.

The language when Myra calls back makes it seem as if she expected the call vs. if she dreamed the call and then Myra called. This should be clarified, as I had to read it twice in order to get it.

My last concern is this. After TEN years, Myra calls back and, after some hint of normality, the two end up falling back into conversation as if they were talking yesterday. For TEN years, Ru has lived a semi-depressed, yet strangely-hooked life, dreaming of someone who broke her heart in, from how I read it, some tragic and excruciatingly painful way. But she held onto these emotions anyway? This isn't unrealistic, but more unexplained. Also, Myra never explains his phone call and why things were "over." You don't need to supply the reader with that just yet, but give us something more to think about instead of, "I want to meet you." Good job again!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a good piece as well, but just by comparing your two works back-to-back, you do a better job in the third-person (like many writers do). Most people fall victim to saying too much when writing in first person, but your perspective was solid and was very good. This interlinks well with "A Commander's Dilemma," as the conversation switches context and is well laid out.

There aren't that many mistakes made, but here are a few tips to consider. To make if more effective, "Dammit, I should have asked that in private." should be its own paragraph, especially since it is followed after text from the same person. This makes things less confusing. In addition, the salute before the Commander's continuing on is a bit unnecessary, as salutes are generally reserved for when specific individuals are in your presence. Examples: the President gets off his plane. A governor enters the chamber. The commander enters a tent. These are all examples of when to salute and salutes are hardly used on departures.

Good job again!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I must say that this is a very impressive work and I wish you carried on with the story. You did an excellent job at portraying the characters, their relationship with one another, setting the scene, and carrying on a concise and engaging story. This is a very good job, so much so that I will have to subscribe for your work, as we have any writing format similarities.

In order to improve this piece, I would offer a few tips. Ranks, when in text and in quotations, should be capitalized. “It is not my place to question orders commander, but what the Hell are we doing here?” Commander should be capitalized, as it is being substituted for as a name. Also, you refer to the commander as "Commander" or "Hadrian." I know you meant to distinguish that they are the same person and you may have lost that when adjusting to the point of view, but you should first use "Commander Hadrian" and then refer to him as "Commander" and/or "Hadrian."

Lastly: “Their sacrifice was noble. There are no rebels here.” read so beautifully, but I would suggest something a bit more. "Their sacrifice was noble, but sadly unwarranted. There are no rebels here at all."

I would encourage you to take a look (no need to review unless you feel you must) at my piece called "Verdict" (#1995679). It covers a very similar subject that you covered in this piece and went on a little more. You may find some of the styles and relationships helpful to establish yours.

Great job again. I look forward to reading more from you!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Aces  
Review by Ember
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
This is a good step in the right direction. Your story is both interesting and does set a generic scene really well. I haven't seen many first-person pieces done well, but this is a good piece compared to others. In addition, the language is on and off, but in the points where is is superior, you've gained the reader's full attention.

Like every piece, there's always room for improvement. When reading this, the main issue I see is the "show, don't tell" issue. This is common in first person pieces, as you don't have the full, third-person effect to set the scene and are limited to what the main character sees. This is not a constraint, but rather, an opportunity to display how well YOU know your main character. Expressions like: "I played dumb," "I was looking for a better word than slutty," etc. shouldn't be said, but should be showed and observed. For example: the "I played dumb" could easily be switched to something like, "What look?" I replied as I casually played with the cookie crumbs at the table and denied her any continued expressions to leak from my face. In that example, you are SHOWING the reader HOW your main character plays dumb, not telling them that they played dumb. This not only flexes your writing muscles, but also displays your command over your own character. I would redo this piece and try to imitate my example (in your own style, of course) as much as possible to keep your reader tied to your work.

There are several setting switches, flashbacks if I'm reading them correctly. Now granted, Writing.com doesn't have all the formatting tools that we writers would prefer, this does not leave an excuse to not format these divisions properly. For starters, try separating the setting switches with two line separations (click 'enter' twice before typing). This will let me know that what I'm currently reading is going to switch in some sense. In addition, the placing and interruptions of these are a bit out of place. Between mojitos, the bath, and Tommy coming over, the flashbacks seem a bit random. I would try to highlight their meaning and importance a bit more, as I had to read it several times over in order to get a grasp of what I think you were trying to portray.

Lastly, you have a few technical issues in this piece. "I-Phone" is correctly typed as iPhone. Mojitos are traditionally made with white rum, not vodka (sorry, bartender skills popping in). "Best...day...of...my...life..." can be typed as "best day of my life" with the appropriate "breathing between words" description after the quote. Also, what it THAT funny? I suspect it was, so try to give the reader the reason why it was so funny. "light pink loose one-shoulder blouse" reads to...loosely (lol). Try light-pink, loose, one-shoulder blouse. Same with short red dress; short, red dress. There were some grammatical issues in this piece as well. I suspect that you finished this piece, re-read it once or twice, and then posted it to Writing.com. Although this is a quick process, when writing a piece and then reviewing it, your mind can sometimes go on autopilot and miss mistakes that seem evident to someone who never read this piece before. Try to take a week break from it, literally print it out, and THEN re-read it, as your autopilot will likely forget what you were currently writing and mistakes will be more apparent.

Hope this helps!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Shadow self  
Review by Ember
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a very interesting piece. I do like how the understanding and perception of what happened to Jess constantly changes and is still relatively unclear to both the reader and the main character. This piece does capture my attention the entire work, but it can be confusing at times. The dialogue in this piece flows very loosely, as there are very few interjections that can break up the dialogue. There is no need for verbal interruptions, but perhaps the right paragraph format will help.

The setting is a bit unclear to me. I can only imagine that this is some sort of asylum setting; I would reinforce this instead of throwing Jack into the mix so suddenly. Also, until the end of the story, I assumed that Jack was a physical character, but the last sentence of this piece made me question that. Is John really Jack and/or is Jack a part of John's mind?

Good work though. Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Old-Lady  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a very semi-mysterious, semi-spooky story. I do like how the scene is immediately portrayed. An old house in a village with that ONE room that is different from the rests and something spectacular happens in it. Although slightly predictable, the story was very entertaining and never failed to hold my attention.

In order to take this piece to the next level, I would recommend giving the readers a little more information on Megan. How old is she? Where is she from? Why did the family move to the village in the first place? Questions like this can easily be answered with a thicker, more detailed exposition and can help the reader relate to to the characters.

The mom's immediate concern is a bit exaggerated, as I wouldn't expect the mother to be so concerned at the first instance of her daughter talking to (herself), respectively. And then to go to the doctor to diagnose a form of mental illness is a bit more drastic. This can e clarified with more information about the parents, so the readers can help rationalize the parents' actions.

My last concern is the ending. I'm not sure what the message was supposed to be. A past memory cannot be taken away? What was a result of the disappearance of the old lady that Megan saw and spoke to on a regular basis? What of the old lady? Did Megan ever find any other friends (and then have a peace at mind)?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Cupid  
Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a very interesting and entertaining piece. I didn't expect a work like this before, as it's never been done before. Seeing that you're the first to think of such a unique piece, it definitely appeals to your readers in a new way.

There are some areas that can make this a much more better piece. I would definitely like to see more in this. Expand. Although short, sweet, and to the point, I was saddened when this piece ended. Although the story was well put and has a great setting and atmosphere, as I reader, I wanted to enjoy being in the world that you constructed. Tell me more about the human resources (HR) department. Is Mars in there again for starting another war during peacetime? What role does Zeus have in this department? Is Hades on suspension for starting another plague? Have Cupid casually run into these other gods and goddesses so we can learn more about the world you're depicting and their relationship to Cupid. Also, who are the "consultancy lads?"

The relationship between Apollo and Cupid is sort of odd to me. You set it up as if Apollo was going to be some really arrogant and asshole-ish (pardon my language) boss of Cupid's, but instead, it was more of a blind mutuality. Apollo didn't seem like an a-hole, but more of a conceited character, completely oblivious to Cupid's intake of the changing situation and was very proud of his own inputs into the idea while completely ignoring Cupid's slight objections. I would clarify this so I don't expect one set of actions and another is present.

Great piece of work again. With the above edits, this will be a great work to publish. Best of luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Seventeen  
Review by Ember
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is an overall good story, as it does help people realize your theme which is that although we are a numerical age, we can emotionally be younger while we try to act older. Your theme is solid and your explanation of this is pretty good. Now it's time to work on better incorporating this into the story format that I think you're looking for.

There is nothing really wrong with this story, but it could read a lot better with a solid format. Where you going for a short story, a journal entry, or just a piece in which you can write down how you fell (or felt) at a certain time? Depending on what the answer is to that question will help your reader understand the story you put in front of them.

The conflict that started the emotional immaturity (in lack of a better word) was a bit unclear to me. Did the main character get upset because (s)he was getting prank called several times? Were they the ones prank calling others? Regardless, what was said that affected the main character so much? I find it a tad bit difficult to see someone getting THAT upset over a prank call that they received. And even if they were THAT upset over the phone calls, why not just not answer then? Clearing this up will definitely help the reader understand the emotional reaction that transpired.

You did a great job at breaking down the emotional side and reasoning behind why the main character did what they did and felt how they felt, but you made the mistake of saying it all. Be careful not to give the reader ALL the information because the reading will be too easy for them and you run the risk of boring them. I would take out the reiteration of the emotions being felt when the police officer asked all the questions or the crying at school, as this leaves the reader the chance to think about the emotions. Also, although this piece is in first person (which makes me suspect that its a journal entry of some sort), you supply enough information to make this flow better as a third person piece. Just something to think about.

Also, this is a link to a prank phone call I thought you may enjoy. It's of a grown man demoting himself to someone less than eleven years old lol https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-InItYmeHg


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
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Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Although I'm not a passionate person when it comes to drama genre, this was actually done pretty well. I like the flow of this story as well as how you educated the reader (myself) on the backgrounds of most characters without doing so in a lengthy and inefficient manner. I admire how you constructed Henley's perspective of herself, her friends (present and past), and her father and how her perception of them has accurately depicted their character. I also like how you used her actions (falling down the stairs to fighting the urge to turn into an emotional wreck) to depict how she felt. This is a very good technique.

If this is a chapter of what I assume will become a novel, I would recommend expanding this a little bit. Although I said that I admire how you gave us the background of most of the characters in this chapter, there is still more you can say and I would rather get a little more information than have less to work with when trying to figure out the story and understand the characters in it. Don't be shy with your pen (or keyboard in this case). It's always better to write more and then cut it down.

Good job. Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (3.5)
I do like this story a lot as it plays well with history. You'd set up the world correctly and also depicted the soldiers' lives pretty accurately. I can imagine (although not agree) soldiers smoking and gambling just before a battle although their hearts are still on the objective of defeating Hitler. I also like the including of the adrenaline effect on the main character, as this adds to the reality of this story.

A couple notes I could add are as follows. "What could go wrong?" is repeated in this story seven times (not including the title) and although it is powerful to reiterate, I'm not sure if it's needed that much. If anything, I would reduce it to five and then spread them out a little more. This way, the reader is not bombarded with it throughout the entire short. My last suggestion is to place "something went wrong." as its own paragraph at the end to add to the effect it has in this piece.

Good job. Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
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Review of Premise  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (3.5)
Three words: "I love you." This wasn't clear, but I think I guessed correctly.

Although fairly short and too the point, this is still just as suspenseful and eye-catching as any other piece I've read. Private Investigator Micah's position needs to be clarified, as how this piece reads now, it is not necessary, just words. Who nicknamed him Chance? And how does not saying "I love you" cause someone to get shot eight years later. This piece raises a lot of questions. Either answer them, give the reader enough evidence to figure it out, or give them a reason to stick around to hear more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Ember
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I must say that in the beginning, this creeped me out (as a guy) and that I could feel the growing tension. You did a very good job of setting the scene and developing the plot here. It was a bit difficult to follow in a couple transitions, but in the end, this was a very good and plot-twisting piece.

You did at good job at raising the tension and suspense with the coincidental flowers that arrived at work. The whole, "Oh you shouldn't have...wait you actually didn't?" is predictable, but still an active tool to raise suspicion and draw the reader in. Then the actual gifts arriving at the doorstep with no return address successfully converts the reader's suspicion to alarm. I could feel the tension grow between a protective and dutiful husband and a seemingly-innocent wife.

The reading did jostle, probably by the point of view and the transition, as when you changed the scene from Livi being in bed with Ray (at least I think she was) to being in bed with Dean, this was a bit confusing. I at first thought that she wasn't in an affair, but the transition to her actually having one was a bit confusing. I would clarify this, not throw it at the reader.

Continuing gifts from a mysterious source should raise an alarm. I didn't quite understand Livi's comfort with this situation, especially when she considered still having Ray, Dean backing off a bit (maybe?), and the excitement of what gift would be next. In addition, Ray's concern, although he is the one who is actually sending these gifts, shouldn't appear to just vanish and then immediately skyrocket in the end, as this made it somewhat predictable for the plot-twist that you are about to throw your readers. Although they are already locked into the story, don't leave them disappointed and thinking that they outsmarted you, the author.

The ending was a bit abrupt, I must add. Perhaps it was because of the dynamic of Livi's world literally turning upside down as Ray decided to turn the tables. But at the same time, I feel that more can be said. Don't simply state the lawyer contacts, the divorce papers, etc., but introduce them differently. Have Ray give up his marriage ring or slide Livi the paperwork, so the reader can feel the world collapsing around her.

Excellent piece of work. With the aforementioned edits, this will be perfect!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Lighthouse  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really enjoy both the rhyme scheme and the story this poem depicts. I like the usage of a prison vs a shrine and how the doors have no locks, so the love may come and go as she pleases. In addition, "O' beauty and grace fear not I implore, You are not my prisoner, but I am yours." is a very good line.

This poem has no real areas of improvement besides clarifying the message you want to show. When I read this, I feel that your "love" and the way you show it is different than mine. This does not mean that either of us is wrong, but it is another perspective to take into consideration. The love you are depicting strikes me as that in which one only surveys and admires, regardless of distance or emotion and mimics that of fascination and that, without that person, they are lost and hopelessly doomed. In addition, some people may take this as a love by fascination and not of any respect to her mind and her personality, in which some people could be offended by that. However, I assume that your intentions are fair and that you mean only the most dedication in your poem, in which I give it my commends.

Good work. Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of LISTENING POST  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting piece. I enjoy the world that you setup and the dynamics of the characters (specifically between Dana and Odin). In addition...... So far, this piece has a really good foundation, but there are a few items that can be adjusted.

The first things I saw in this was the amount of information given about each character. You tend to show the reader what the character is doing and then link it to a paragraph or two about the past, which helps explain the world you're creating while giving more information on the characters themselves. This is great for giving the reader more information on the setting, but doesn't work as well when describing the characters. For Dana, I understand that she is a survivor of a major attack on Earth against the Coders and that many like her are rare to come across. But I would have preferred this information before she was woken up by Odin in regards to Julian Silva's ship. Also...I expected Dana to know Julian *snaps fingers* :P

I am still a bit confused. I assume that Odin is like Isis, correct? And if he is a mainly systematic robot, then why is he giving all this resistance to Dana's orders in the beginning. I understand that you are trying to show that logic vs. instinct, but it is a bit unusual for Odin to resist orders like he is doing now. I suspect that this is a personal objection, as it reads fine. But it may be something to consider. Odin should have immediately tried to hail them again after Dana said, "That's an order," not done so reluctantly.

I want to know more about the Coder invasion! Where did they come from? Why did they attack Mars...and then Earth? How many were there? And if they were so successful and efficient and (perhaps great in numbers?), why were they suddenly scared of being nuked to death? Wouldn't the humans kill themselves before eliminating all the Coders? And if this was the case, would fleeing past Mars be reasonable?

“That’s enough.” Dana raised a hand to Odin’s sensor. “I really can’t stomach hearing about the man’s family. Sorry.”
“I understand, Dana.” Can Odin really understand? What give Odin the ability to attempt to be human? Also, I like how you used "stomach" in this dialogue.

"Only a feeling of foreboding remained. A feeling in the pit of her stomach screamed to her that Coders destroyed Silva’s ship, not some unlucky asteroid." Don't you mean *lucky asteroid?

In the next few paragraphs, I can get a very good feel for the tenseness between Dana and Odin, which is a great metaphor for the whole humans vs. machines debate. This is more to serve as a compliment,as I've seen very little writing that has articulated this well. Even Dana's "bio-imbalance" were felt while reading through this. Good work on this!

Dana suspicions grow the more she subdues her bio-imbalance and more-likely believes that Primal Coders attacked Silva's undetectable ship. Yet, Odin reassures that the ship they are flying (the same model as Silva's) is undetectable and foolproof? How so? Does that mean that the people who Dana is flying the ship for cannot track it? In addition, you've already stated that the Coder's fled and are probably rebuilding and readying to relaunch their attack. In this, you've also said that they were evolving. How can Odin or Dana compensate for evolution? What's to say that while evolving, the Coders developed a way to find and track these "undetectable" ships? Last conflict: does Dana's ship have any offensive capabilities? If so, shouldn't that be used to support or negate her suspicion of an attack. If Silva's ship was attacked, couldn't it be assumed that he would at least tried to put up a fight?

In multiple parts of this story, Odin proves to act more than a computer. As I've previously mentioned, he's a robot that tries to be human? Then in many parts of the dialogue, Odin separates himself from what a normal computer would say and says something far closer to what a human would say. Now when the "red dot" turns direction and heads toward's Dana's ship, Odin is not only acting somewhat human (while negating fear, etc.), but is taking a risk, which, from what I can speculate, shows that he's acting like a Coder. Was this intentional? Also, how can Dana not have an override on Odin? What would happen if Odin was damaged? Would Dana be unable to override him?

"Odin paused. This time Dana did not mind it so much. He would be making a sacrifice too. Even on-boards were programmed with a sense of survival, regardless of the fact she could order him to ignore it." If on-boards were programmed with a sense of survival, then why did Odin ignore that when the "red dot" (the green bug) was approaching?

While I enjoy this story, the ending was a bit abrupt. I had never expected Dana to make the call to head toward the swarm of green bugs (which were never confirmed to be of Coder technology) and to redo the entire repelling of the invasion of Earth, but then again, I guess it is slightly expected. I do wish that I knew more about General MacGowdy, but with the information you supplied, it is sufficient enough to understand the story. One last note now that I read through this twice: what was the purpose of mentioning Silva's dead ship?

Great job again!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a very good introduction piece. A bit short, but depending on the size/style of the piece you will be constructing from this, it could be okay. Some general notes: you do use punctuation in this a bit often, almost to where you are slowing the reader down. I would specifically revise paragraphs 1, 2, and 4, as there are some minor, grammatical adjustments to be made.

Moving on, this is a good introduction, giving the reader a full view of Andrew, his life, his mindset, and his friends. As a reader, I want to know a little more about this character's life. Why did he feel he earned this day off (so much so that he smoked and drank more than he could handle and will regret in the morning at work)? What specifically does he do at this camp? How old is Andrew? This information will reveal a little more about the main character and can indirectly be used reflect the plot of the story.

Strangely, Andrew's drunk responses seem a bit off. Someone who is recovering from a good day while slightly (if not a little more) intoxicated should respond a lot more drastically, not rationally. Never while he was in the restroom did Andrew ever question if he was so drunk/high that he was hearing voices, which can be typical claims for those under the influence. In addition, Andrew swings open the door to see a rambling old man and, after confirming that it's an old man, just says "Whatever." Either he was too creeped out to say anything else, or he should've said something a little more. I was almost assuming that he was going to say something to the old man that would eventually be a big mistake. Instead, I can assume that the old man and his rambling about "The Regulator" will soon just introduce itself into Andrew's life instead of Andrew calling it upon himself.

Besides those small issue, this is a good introduction. Best of luck for the rest of your piece!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Journey Home  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful piece! The language, tone, and structure of it are all very easy to read and convey a beautiful piece. Never in this work did I feel lost, bored, or confused to to level in which I had to reread. This read as if I was reading a finished, published piece of art.

I can commend you for a lot of things: your style of writing, the way you depict and paint a scene, etc., but I would like to point out a few, minute issues I found while reading this. How and why the main character felt they saw the castle and knew it was there was never fully explained. Perhaps I read over it, but I could only guess that it was solely a feeling? If this is the case, I would lightly explain how this may be possible.

Paragraph six has the following sentence: "Strong, and sure and certain." Is reads fine after reading it three or four times, but I would adjust this eliminate the first "and" in order for it to read more clearly. However, if this structure plays a critical role in the format of your story, then I would leave it as is.

Paragraph seven has the following sentence: "The noon sun dappled the ground and the warmth made me glad I’d brought some water with me along with the package in my backpack." Is this sentence absolutely necessary. On my second time reading through this, I saw that this sentence served to help paint the setting, correct? Is there a better way to do this without this sentence.

BEAUTIFUL piece of work. Hope this helps!
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Review of Be my everything  
Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very good poem. The rhyming scene is solid and is done perfectly; there were no uneven or odd rhyming ends. The structure is good as well, being broken down by word of the title. In addition, the use of the "..." at the end of each line for each stanza is also good for leading into the other stanzas.

My only concern with this work is the use of "everything" in the title vs. "every thing" in the poem. It almost leads my to believe that this poem may have a slightly masculine message to it? Aside from that, this is a good piece. Keep up the good work!
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Review of Her  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (3.5)
I tried to find the past work that this continued off of, but could not find it. I hope my critiques are not in regards to the absence of this information. This is a great piece, but it can always be improved to be a better piece.

"Everyday we walk past eachother. Not even caring if the other is looking.
We find each other annoying,
yet we always talk and laugh."

Everyday is a word, but in the context that you're using, you should use every day. Everyday is an adjective, like daily. Example: everyday chores = daily chores. In addition, each other is two words (unless it had some special meaning that I missed). Also, some of the punctuation can be altered in this group to help this read more smoothly. I would try the following:

"Every day we walk past each other, not even caring if the other is looking.
We find each other annoying
Yet, we always talk and laugh."

Also in the section, it leaves the reader curious and starving for more information. The two appear, at first, to be against one another. Why is this so? Leaving a conflict just as is can leave the reader with too much room to speculate and this can be distracting. In addition, how can two people walk past each others, paying the other no attention at all, but always talk and laugh? This should be clarified.

"You with your group of girls and me with my group of guys.
Heck, even some people say we are made for each other, but we just tell them to shut up.(I cuss)"

This is a classic example of social denial, how mutual friends can speculate (like the reader is doing) and the main characters immediately destroy these speculations. This should be explained.

"But I see you blush, and that leaves me wondering.
Wondering what you're thinking, to quote John Legend, "What's going on in that beautiful mind?"

John Legends quote, although relevant, may be distracting to the reader. I can call on what song you're quoting (avid John Legend fan), but can other readers be so up-to-date with his lyrics? Also, the placing is semi-awkward, yet, I can't think of a better way to do it. If you can find a better way to format this, I would give it a shot. Now general question about this: how can two people find each other annoying and ignore each other, but they still talk and laugh and one of them is blushing (alluding to the fact that feelings may be involved)? Is this a private encounter? Is this a Arnold-Helga (Hey Arnold)-type of love?

"Well if only I knew what you thought I could tell you if I have feeling for you.
Like before, "Are you just a pretty face or something more?"

This has some formatting issues and I would correct them like so:

"If only I knew what you thought I could tell you if I have feelings for you.
Like before, 'Are you just a pretty face or something more?'"

Also, the main character takes this blush and assumes that its a possibility of affection. How is this if he finds her annoying?
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Review by Ember
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a good piece, but it can use some improvements. One of the key opportunities for you to better this piece is through the use of punctuation. Your first sentence was thirty words long, and although you did use commas, that alone was not enough to properly speed down the reading. I'd try something like this:

"This love, as most, started out with a boy who was, and still is, my best friend. We never were the kind to make fun of each other, even through jokes." The original sentence has subject changes that were still connected to a semi-different sentence. As long as it is in the same paragraph, your idea shouldn't be lost.

"Now everybody knew that we were something special, except for us (at the time)." How so? How can two people, who intermingle well, have friends that see something special, but the two special people themselves don't see it? I'd explain this because I know what you mean, but it's not mentioned in this piece.

"As time went on, we became closer with text message after text message, seeing each other everyday, and just becoming better friends well more than friends." This gives an approximate age for the main character, but it's still unknown. Also, I would eliminate "becoming better friends well more than friends" with, "we just grew to be more than friends."

"Then THE question was asked on a day that will never be forgotten, now who asked it doesn’t matter, all that matters was that it was asked. That was just the beginning, " There is a lot going on in this sentence and it is rushed. Don't be afraid to give more information, as the reader is begging to read more about this crazy way of love. I would also eliminate "a day that will never be forgotten" simply because that is used a lot and is very cliche. Also, why doesn't it matter about who asked who? I think that would contribute to the uniqueness of this story as oppose to leaving the reader speculate.

Eliminate the wink face; this isn't a text message :)

"Then we hit rock bottom and everything changed, and most of all we changed. Stress hit us the most, and it hurt us a lot, but it didn't break us." This kinda left me disappointed, which I'm not sure if that was your objective or not. Everything was leading up to something grand and then you just mention that stress changed you all. A little Love 101; stress gets to every relationship, so this shouldn't be the crux of your paper. The CHANGE that stress has is a lot more important. Who changed and why? How? Why was this significant? You leave a lot in the air, which leaves the reader too much space to hypothesize. Give us more hints!

"But that was where our love was tested; our love showed more than ever. And other things happened, but we still passed the test. Some may say that this can’t be love, for whatever reason this may be, but it's love to me and to him, and that is all that I need." This looks like a last minute wrap up, but you fast-forwarded the story and confused the reader. What tests? Stress? Change? These questions should be answered.

The last thing I would mention: is this a journal entry? If so, I'd recommend putting this in some sort of third-person perspective, as keeping it in the first-person leaves the reader with a lot of holes, while you, the author may know all the answers to this story but we don't.

Good work though. Hope this helps!
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Review of Tea  
Review by Ember
Rated: E | (4.0)
I personally enjoy flash stories, so I may be biased. However, like all works of art, there is always room for improvement.

I'm very big on structure, as it can give a piece, mo matter the size, to have a more substantial effect. I would leave "Just breathe. Just breathe, she said, and it will be fine." as it's own paragraph and start the next paragraph with, "Well it wasn't fine..." That way, the read can see and, perhaps, feel how everything was not fine at all. I would also do the same with "That was better" as it gives an importance as to how/why counting to ten is some important.

"She got up and made herself tea, it was still dark outside." I would replace the comma with a semicolon, but it's not that big of a deal.

The final sentence "It had not been sugar" do you mean as in, it had not been sweet (in regards to her death) or a means to say that it had not been the sugar that caused her death?

Overall, a great piece. I'd clarify those few things and it would be near perfect. One last thing you may want to consider: why did Justin leave and is his relevant?
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