*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/edwardb
Review Requests: OFF
9 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Stranded  
Review by edwardb
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A wistful writing style that accents this piece perfectly. There is a strange kind of surprise to the ending since the story is absolutely predictable from the opening to the end if you know the end. The surprise is built into the fact that I convinced myself that it cold not end as it did and that is a very intriguing plot style.

The concise form made the unexpectedly predictable aspect a positive feature> I learned some things reading this story and I did enjoy it.
2
2
Review by edwardb
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The story reads smoothly and the dialogue is not bad, although at times it loses reality. I have been reflecting on the story and wondering why it dies not seem to me to be as strong as it should be with the good writing style and decent plot and characterdevelopment. It is probably just my personal perspective on this type of story, but I think that it is a bit too predictable. It might have more punch if some of the plot clues were moved farther down the story's development.

You might try holding back the mention of "bombs" until the very end allowing the reader to get a growing realization that it is real bombs that the three are carrying. There is also a reality gap when three bombs that they can carry and have been made by tenagers at their homes can level a whole plant or town. The story loses its reality for sure when that implication appears near the end.

This is just my view and probably someone whose age is closer to that of the protagonists might see and sense the story quite differently.

By the way, watch out for the apostrophe in contractions like won't etc. You missed a few which is very easy to do.

You have a nice style and seem to block the story well and pace it very well.
3
3
Review by edwardb
Rated: E | (3.5)
Writing to give a full glass to anyone who is convinced that his or her glass is always half empty is a dificult task. Your piece helps to fill the glass of someone who already sees the glass as half full, and that is not somehing to scorn. A reader who is truly down is unlikely to persist in reading more than a few words unless the work opens with something that forces itself inside the reader.

I hate being overly critical, but the phrase, "how could you not" is really the conclusion and gets my attention as I am already feeling good this morning, but it seems to me that it is the conclusion of a piece if I had been down to begin with.

The string of upbeat vignettes are cheering to someone who already sees them. I am sorry but there is no opening 'hook' to snatch my attention had I been down and seeing the emptying glass of my life.

Persuasive writing, like comedy, is in my opinion the most difficult of all writing. I suspect that your warming and well crafted images might be more persuasive if woven into a short story with a pointed hook to grab a depressed or disillusioned reader.
4
4
Review of So Little  
Review by edwardb
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This poem reads well, like a winter view of a river valley from a passing car. It gives a quick glimpse of a mood and sense of near lonliness. The best feature is that except the last line it reads smoothly and flows almost musically. I found the last line to be a bit anticlimatic though. Somehow that point seesm an add-on and I feel that it should have been a necessary implication from the second last line. Mind you, I don't know how to do that myself, and this may be a somewhat personal comment from my perspective only.
4 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/edwardb