Very interesting beginning to your story. Something in the Prologue made me think the story took place in a) the future and b) somewhere in space. So I was surprised to find that Vince and his family were Earth humans!
Here are my suggestions:
1- Re-read your story. There are some words and some punctuation missing that happen to everyone when copying from another document or typing in a hurry. Break up some paragraphs into smaller bits, and give each piece of dialogue its own paragraph as well.
2- If you don't want to worry about the physics and biology, don't have it take place on Earth. It can be Earthlings who have colonized elsewhere (like Joss Whedon's Firefly) or it can be humanoid people in another galaxy (like Star Wars). But Earth biology and physics only really apply to Earth, at least as far as literature goes.
3- Realism helps relate to your audience. Take "I woke up in an ivory-white stasis cell in some sort of laboratory or hospital." When I first wake up, in a strange place, I'm a little off balance. Why doesn't the pillow smell normal? Who turned the light on? Why am I so cold? Doesn't the alarm clock sound funny? It's only after looking around the room that I remember that I'm in a hotel, in a different city. Vince (I'm guessing) hasn't ever been to Telalabs, so how would he know he's in a stasis cell in a hospital?
The adage goes "Don't tell me, show me". Give me visual images so that I can imagine the world you are creating. (For example: don't tell me Dad has a beefy frame- describe his broad shoulders and thick arms, how his shirt is a little too tight, how he walks like a gorilla, etc)
You have a good voice, and this is a good rough draft. And I like the beginning of the plotline. Are we going to find out what was so awful in Vince's early life that waking up in an unknown lab, with negative vital signs, is not the craziest thing that's happened to him? Is Dr. Roderick really a robot/android, and is he evil? What happened to Dad (since he was zapped but didn't end up in Telalabs)?
If you have any questions about my review, I'd be more than willing to elaborate by e-mail. Cheers!
I really like the "unfinished" quality of the story (no names, barely any descriptors, the ethereal/other-worldly detatchment), as this would be necessary for the point of narration to come from a ghost (?) who has no real memories any more.
Plus, this makes me wonder about the woman who seduces men to this bridge, the history of the ghost, and their relationship to each other. The thing that makes scary stories into good scary stories is the sense of the unknown or unknowable. People fear what they don't know or understand. This story has well-placed voids of information that might detract from other pieces, but only make this one better.
I really liked this story. The premise is interesting-- Dorian Gray meets Female Protagonists from other fiction. The journal style of writing lends itself to jumping around and also to short and long story formats-- perfect for what you are trying to accomplish. I gave it a 4 because while it has it's flaws, I believe it has the potential to be an absolutely amazing story-- worthy of a 5.5!
As I understand from reading the piece, Elizabeth is journaling about her entire life from the present day. I like that mundane things in the present day remind her of specific incidents from her extremely long past... and then she'll tell the story that she's been reminded of. Maybe find a way to work this in at the beginning of each new tale from Elizabeth's past?
The story has good dialogue and pieces of action, which are good for the plotline. I would like to see more descriptions... what does the bedroom look like, what is her mother wearing and does she have a scent, what is the weather doing? Most memories are connected with the five senses, and Elizabeth is writing about her memories. Fill her world with color and taste and texture, it will draw the reader deeper into the story.
Part of filling in the color of Elizabeth's world is having cultural-historical accuracy. It doesn't have to be super-specfic, like what exactly was going on at 6am, October 20th, 2008 in Chicago. Sometimes little things inserted in the story can help create a different time.
For example, use of contractions (can't, won't) and "okay" didn't come into common use until after 1900.
And Mrs. Sayer would have known something was up when Girolamo calls Elizabeth by her first name (since only family, close friends, and *lovers* used first names), and Mrs Sayer would never have hugged him (as he would have been of a lower class than her, as an artist).
And I don't think a General in the German Army would have made it very far into London in 1916, let alone had the time to do it, since that was in the middle of WWI.
In conclusion, this is a intriguing work-- that could become absolutely spectacular with some descriptions and cultural-historical references to enrich the story.
I'd love to read any future revisions/new chapters, and I am more than willing to e-mail about questions you have about my review.
Good Luck!
This was an interesting short piece that reminded me of Jack MacDevitt's Alex Benedict books, with a little Battlestar Galactica thrown in. (Both good things, since I like both series.)
I only have two notes:
1. About Dana's bio-imbalance. Is bio-imbalance what they call having strong emotions, because of their scientific detachment as future humans? Or are emotions controlled through chemical means now, and Dana's chemicals aren't mixing well? Also, at some point you changed from calling them bio-imbalances and starting calling them emotions again.
2. There are a few places were paragraphs retell information.
"She had a report to write.
* * *
After writing her report to Mars Central, Dana did not feel like going back into hibernation."
"...but with the unfortunate side effect of bio-imbalance.
Emotionally out of sorts from that side effect and with the image of the scout ship fresh in her mind..."
As a reader, these are verbal repeats and it can break up the pacing. Sometimes you can easily eliminate the repetitive portion (like removing "from that side effect") or you can simply reword the phrase (like "After replacing her report stylus in its holder...")
There were lots of questions I had about back-story type things, but I get the feeling that your other stories for the novella will cover more of the information I might want to know. Sort of like Asimov's robotics, where you don't learn everything from one story, but have to read them all to get a complete picture. (If you haven't read Asimov's I, Robot or the Alex Benedict books, give them a shot.)
Good Luck!
First impressions: Good set-up with the 3 sections getting more specific and personal with each one. Great character banter, good development of Jim. Awesome cliffhanger ending!
I think the only note I might have is that in the third section I didn't see the "payoff" of the last line from the second section.
"I’d never thought about both in the same minute, however, until September 23."
I'm assuming by "both" you meant dust and losing you life in a single flash. I guess I didn't see both together during the stand-off. But, as you can see, it was a minor thing that didn't affect your rating.
I tend to read everything like it's a movie, and I had such an easy time seeing this in it's cinematic glory!
Even the first two sections I can picture as just a voice over with correlating bar scenes, and then "Jim" speaking to a barfly/ psychotherapist/ someone. (Although you don't see Jim's face until the last line... and it cut/fades to Jim in the stand-off before Hank speaks.)
Awesome! One of my only 5 points winners!
(plus a tiny squee moment when Jim thinks of Elle, since I'm an Elle.)
Good pacing and character development-- overall good story.
Amelia's accent was a little hard to follow at times, but that's mostly my lack of exposure to written dialects.
I was expecting a twist of Amelia really being Catherine in disguise, but that is pretty typical in any type of "romantic" literature, so I actually like that you didn't go there. I also like that the ending isn't tied-up-in-a-bow, pretty, happily ever after. It could end here, Christian and Amelia parting ways forever, or it could have more chapters about them running into each other and where the relationship might change.
Wow! I found a poem that rhymes! (I know how hard that can be to write)
It's interesting to read about a stuck up girl from a guy's perspective. Good emotion throughout the piece, even including how she feels/might be feeling.
My one note would be to see if changing the pacing would create even more emotional output. Shortening the lines as your anger builds adds extra tension to the scene because you're reading it faster.
I really feel the resentment and frustration that you feel with the bullies. And the back and forth "she said, he said" is a good structure. Good imagery also.
My only suggestions would be to switch paragraphs 6 and 7 (or combine them?), and add some more punctuation overall to tell me where the idea/thought ends.
Well written, imaginative, good character development.
I only have one excuse for not having a more thorough review of the piece. It was so close to nightmares I've had, and non-comedy apocalyptic movies that I usually avoid watching, that I can't read it again for a day or two.
I like the non-specific, diary entry style of the format of the story. And the plot line is simple but engaging, which is important for short stories. I love that everyone's so addicted to this machine that they'll buy and use it over and over, despite the worsening side-effects.
My only note is about the dead girl. In the second section you say that she's a dead girl who you don't know.
If you don't know her, how do you know she's dead?
A few descriptors (to give the reader an idea of how you know she's dead) would help make the story fuller.
Does she look more like a ghost or a corpse? Can you tell how she died by what she looks like (drowned, stabbed, strangled, etc)?
This was a fun little read! And that's pretty high praise, because I don't usually like to read this kind of story. Good Luck!
I can picture the music video in my head... which is saying that it creates really solid imagery in my head. I read this as verse/chorus/verse, with the verses being two-part structure.
It's a great start, and I feel like there's another verse that tells a little bit more of the story. Are things better now that they can move on, or are they going to find themselves falling back together like they fell apart?
This is a chuckle-worthy read, reminiscent of Dave Barry's short works. It has a good blend of personal experience and introspection in the narrative. The descriptions of other "grumpy old men" reminded me of my grandfather, who was only a scary grumpy old man when I was too young to know him very well.
My advice would be to review the structure of the story. To me, each paragraph has good flow, but the whole collection of them seems a little... choppy? Maybe start out talking about grumpy old men, then how the narrator (and his wife) thinks he might be becoming one himself, and how maybe that's not such a bad thing?
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