Couple things, though--
1. Maybe it's me, but I really feel all numbers should be spelled in a story.
2. First paragraph is rough.
"I opened the sunroof and I let out a sigh of relief when the cool night air hit my sunburned skin as I cruised down I-95 South from Vero Beach. It was 11pm and I was the only car on the highway. I put Stone Sour in the CD player and blasted it as high as I could without breaking my speakers. As the music played in the background, I reminisced about the awesome weekend at the beach with my best friend, Andrea."
Suggestions--
I opened the sunroof and let out a sigh of relief when the cool night air hit my sunburned skin. I was cruising down I-95 from Vero Beach. It was eleven o'clock, and mine was the only car on the highway. With Stone Sour blasting from my speakers, I let my mind drift back to my awesome weekend at the beach.
"With a deep breath Jenelle stepped back from the mirror inspecting the finished product of her hour long stay in the bathroom. Painstakingly placed bobby pins push Jenelle’s bangs into a stylish poof, but it was the simple black scrunchy that drew her long black locks over her left shoulder that finished the look. Having worn make-up for so many years she hardly had to think about applying it. Her full cheeks had a lovely pink tone, a dark eye shadow with black mascara brought her hazel eyes to life, and with the lightest use of lip gloss her full lips looked smooth and colorful. This had been the exact way she had worn both; one year ago to date. Granted she certainly did not look this well put together at the time they had met."
Suggestions:
1. "With a deep breath, Jenelle stepped back from the mirror, inspecting the finished product of her hour-long stay in the bathroom.
2. "Painstakingly placed bobby pins push her (She's the only character we've thus far been introduced to--you can get away with writing "her") bangs into a stylish poof, but it was the simple black scrunchy which drew her long black locks over her left shoulder that finished the look."
3. "Having worn make-up for so many years, she hardly had to think about applying it."
4. "Her cheeks had a lovely pink tone. Dark eye shadow and black mascara brought her hazel eyes to life. With the lightest use of lip gloss, her full lips looked smooth and colorful."
5. "Granted, she certainly did not look this well put together at the time they had met."
Maybe I'm nit-picking a bit, but I did enjoy this. Keep working!
1.
(Next, he told me, that they were thinking of dropping me altogether.)
I think you could go with either: Next, he told me that they were thinking of dropping me altogether.
OR
"Next," he told me. "We're thinking of dropping you altogether."
2.
(He agreed, and then that was the end of the phone call.)
This feels like two complete thoughts to me. As in:
He agreed. That was the end of the phone call.
OR even:
He agreed and that was the end of the phone call.
I enjoyed this, and don't really have any criticism to give, except--The formatting makes this very difficult to read. A line space between paragraphs would do wonders. You don't even have to indent, just break it up a little.
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