Aaaugh! Now you are the voice of my conscience. My bed is equipped with a vacuum and exerts a powerful suction on me in the mornings. I have wondered whether it might have some relation to black holes in the universe, however one can break free from it more easily with the aid of items such as your poem.
Maybe I will post your poem where I can see it from my bed. If I put your copyright mark on it, do you think that might be acceptable to you? (I am not sure whether I am serious or not. I might be.)
A fine one you are to talk with your 80% novel lying around gathering dust! You produce amazing by-products of procrastination if your portfolio is any indication. That must mean that your novel is the real piece de resistance.
I can hardly wait to read it. You need to finish it so we can all enjoy it. I am waiting with 'bated breath. Please hurry. I can only hold my breath so long.
This is a very funny moral poem. It is nice of you to share it with us.
You really oughta get going on that novel and get the other 20% done and get it into print. Your short stories are the best pencil-sharpening around. If that is the by-product of procrastination we need to see the real thing.
This is a stunning story. It makes it even more effective that you ripped it from the headlines and brought it home to your readers.
It is a surprise that you managed to make such violence into a wistful love story. I think it is a very good idea. It is more telling than a long rant against violence.
This poem made me laugh out loud. Please keep writing morof them. You are very good.
It is amazing that it was part of was a part of a poem a day challenge. Cranking things out even when you don't feel the urge is harder than normal writing.
I'm not sure you intended to convey the idea that the groundhog's departure left an empty space in the winter for you and your reader, but it seemed that way to me. I like it whether you meant it that way or not.
This poem gives me a good feeling when I read it. It would surely do the same to other people who read it. Are you doing anything to get some of your poems published in print media?
The rustle of leaves in a quiet place is a good sound to listen to. This is a nice way to begin your poem.
"Bluebirds sing our joy" is a beautiful way to end your poem.
"Moon bud falls in pond" is a veryevocative image. Comparing the moon to a bud falling into a pond is beautiful. The moon in the sky can look just like a bud reflected in a pond. The moon reflected in a pond can look like a bud as well. Your poem is like reflections here.
"Crimson waves set night aglow" makes me wonder if there is a fire reflected in the pond. That would cause the silent tears. These are good things to think about.
There is your seagull/sail again! SIt is in good company with your three other haiku.
"Far off smoke won't rise." This is my favorit line of all of them in this group. I have been watching the smoke of homes visible from my window all winter. It will probably prompt me to paint a picture of it. I especially like how it looks when there is hoarfrost on the branches.
"Steel blue Winter dawns" don't seem to happen outside my window much. They are usually much more colorful. I expect I will have to watch next winter to see if I can spot one to see what you are talking about.
It is amazing how much you packed into this poem, including a mystery. Is it a gull or a sailboat? I think it is a seagull.
The light on the ocean playss interesting tricks on one's eyes. It is nice how you got that in there too.
Were you thinking of Jonathan Livingston? I really liked that Gull. The sequel, "The Reluctant Messiah" was even better.
The wind-blown sail heeling into foam sounds pretty nautical, as if you know something about sailing. It is wonderful how much you give someone to think about in such a short poem. Thanks.
Yeah. I talk to squirrels too. One used to enjoy teasing my cat at least once a day. You probably saw the same one. My cat certainly gave him a piece of her mind.
The squirrel used to hang off the end of a branch with his nose right against my window. That put him nose to nose with my cat, with only a pane of glass between them.
Don't think a suirrel would be hailing for Jack Frost. That is probably more why he is fretting. I don't think squirrels ever think they have enough nuts stored away to sleep easy over the winter.
This is a nice poem. Your image:"Vase of endless starry lights," is beautiful. It reminds me of Van Gogh's "Starry Night" painting. The reflections in a crystal vase do seem endless with all the facets reflecting each other.
Your ending is good because it leaves the reader with a wistful thought to ponder. It does seem sad that such a beautiful rose must end and implies other premature endings as well.
It is very nice of you to share this encouraging poem with the rest of us who have come to that age as well.
The only somewhat discouraging part is at the end. I hope you don't believe that the end of this life means you won't get more. That, of course, does not detract from its value as poetry.
"Like the shell of the oyster, my body is scarred and its worn
But the pearl of my soul is more loving and strong.
Its luster more glowing now with more love than hate,
More open to goodness before it’s too late." This is a beautiful and original image. Most people neglect the outside of the oyster in their imagery. It is wonderful how you used this and avoided being trite.
"Séamus attention was fixed on a spot forty feet in front of them, just to the right of the path."
"As they drew closer to the spot he had focused on so intently, Séamus' muscles became more tense, his posture more rigid. He could not pass it by."
The previous two quotes are more exciting than the current beginning of this chapter. If it is consistent with your writing goals, you could find a way to move one of these to the very beginning of the chapter.
This ending constitutes an excellent cliff-hanger for the chapter: 'Séamus was dumbstruck. “House searches? I'm not that important.”
“He was. That captain was the youngest son of the Earl of Ashburnham.”'
The words themselves are not as exciting as their import. They make it immediately apparent that the main characters are in greatly increased peril. It is very elegantly done.
This chapter is also very good reading. There is only one slight shortcoming, and it might be a matter of opinion.
Unlike the first previous chapters, this chapter has no "cliff-hanger" at the end. "Séamus and Treasa said their goodbyes before starting off due south." It does end the chapter, but does not work as well as possible to keep the reader moving on to the next chapter.
"If any soldiers come 'round asking questions, I'll make sure to tell them you mentioned something about going to Dublin a few days ago.” This sentence is more exciting than the current ending. Chronological order should not win out over what is exciting enough to hold the readers' attention until the next chapter.
One possible way to get this sentence to the end of the story is to make it a parting remark as Séamus and his family begin to walk away. It would be better to have this be the last sentence on the page than the current one.
There are, of course, other options to make the end more exciting. You have certainly shown you have the capacity to find one.
I admire your rich, yet economical use of words in this chapter. Here is an example of what I mean: "Two packs had been filled, and sat on the table, bulging with what would soon be their only material possessions." This sentence flows nicely in spite of containing how many pack there were and that shortly the two packs would be all they would have in the world.
It seems even better than the first chapter in that regard. The way you move the story right along and keep up interest is also good.
You may already know that I think the opening sentences of writing should grab readers' attention and lead them on to read the rest of the story.
On the whole this first chapter is exciting, especially the cliff-hanger at the end. The beginning of this story is beautiful and probably comparable to classic literature. It will not do to keep internet readers with the attention span of a gnat to keep reading the rest of the story.
If you are going for classic literature keep the beginning as it is. If you want lots of readers in the near future it needs to be more exciting.
I don't know if this might be the real, exciting, reader-grabbing beginning of your story. Only you know that, but it could be: "Séamus would hang from the gallows when they found out what he had done. And as he sat there Séamus knew what he would now have to do. Going to America was now their only option."
If it turns out that you think this is the beginning of your story, the rest of the chapter could be done through a flashback, or it could be done as a series of flashbacks or reminiscences.
It was kind of fun to do this poll and instantly see how the other three people voted on it. It is impressive to see a Harry Potter fan display the initiative to make an actual poll on this illustrious site.
I'm a bit allergic to going along with fads most of the time, so it was difficult to participate in this poll.
Harry Potter certainly qualifies as a big-time fad. The movies are fun to watch, but I have probably only read one of the books so far. If I fall over the others ones, they will probably get read as well.
This is a very beautiful poem. I can't listen to it as a song, so can only talk about it as poetry for now.
Peace in the world is a subject dear to my heart as well. It is such a serious subject I even resisted the temptation to introduce unseemly levity here. I do like unseemly levity.
It is wonderful how gardens manage to be such havens of peace in the troubled world. I used to have one that I shared with people. The peace there seemed to make quite a big difference to people who experienced it with me. I used to sing praise as the sun set on my garden. My animals and even the wild birds joined in the singing.
You can't take the whole world by the hand, not enough hands on you. You could just take the hands you can reach as the time is right for it.
Ho! That is writer heaven. We get paid gift points to read about something to do with writing. It is reminiscent of that weird commercial for that awful-tasting chocolate yogurt. It was something about shopping about for chocolate shoes. I do like shoe shopping and chocolate, but don't necessarily like to combine them that way.
This way of earning gift points is much better. Thanks for the offer. Now we get to see if it is too good to be true. :)
Sorry for my confusion. I thought that your work was the rose of DragonBlue because it was linked. It is amazing that you write so well when you are in second grade!
If you keep on writing, you should be a really great writer by the time you are a grownup.
Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. I have been more familiar with the no-food weight loss plan than I ever wanted. This is not a good way to lose those extra pounds.
You put a lot of strong emotion into this poem. It is clear that you feel very deeply about your subject. That seems very good to me. People do like to hide this unpleasant reality from themselves. It is even worse when they try to hurt people who are already hurting from hunger and the lack of other necessities for survival. Thank you for writing this poem.
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