Lol. One can only feel for the plight of the poor male shopper in over his head in racks of womens' clothing. The dangers of ferocious women shoppers at sales is truly heart-rending.
The dreaded return of the 3-for-one sale of granny knickers is enough to explain why such a bewildered male shopper would resort to a personal shopper. My sympathies with you and for your wife as well.
This too is a very funny poem. You truly would, "be in jail without bail, if rhyme were a crime.
I plan to read your poem about Red Riding Hood next. I can hardly wait to see how you massacred that one. It looks as if you have some more writing in a more serious vein in your portfolio and that makes me curious how you managed to repress your sense of humor long enough to write those.
The serious writing is probably good as well. You seem to be a prolific writer and I hope you continue that way.
Thank you for writing about this difficult subject. It is true that people are very good at shutting their eyes when they want to. "There is none so blind as he who will not see."
You said, "Look into their soul and offer a hand up and give help to those who need us most." It is very brave of you to tell your readers that.
That poem certainly has a lot of truth in it. It would be nice if everyone could find their own part in the song of the universe.
"Release thy emotion
no matter the extreme" This is not necessarily a good idea. Not all of us cleanse anger and emotions with tears. It may be another, "Here Be Dragons". Fire can be a little too cleansing.
You certainly do a good job of bringing your reader into the story situation. The cacophony of voices sounds just terrible. You also manage to evoke a lot of sympathy for Sara's plight.
I really felt for her when she got the bad news that the voices were not the result of side-effects from her medication.
This "panic growing like a weed inside her," is a good simile. I think panic has grown inside me just like that.
Your Fred stories are wonderful! Do we get mroe of them? I am certain that these would do very well in a published book. Are you going to try for that goal eventually?
The part about Fred shooting you with rubber bands is the best. He just has to be a Siamese mix. They are so smart it is often scary.
You write cat stories so well and your cat, Fred, does such interesting things to inspire them! You are certainly a great team.
Those earsplitting yells of Freds sound like the sort of noises that come from Siamese and part-siamese cats. They are unbeatable for volume and variety of sounds.
Fred's possum cohorts seem as if they are about equal to Fred's shenanigans. "A possum with a roasting pan shell thumping across a linoleum floor can make quite a racket, and a curious Fred racing loudly in from another room to investigate only added to the pandemonium."
You do have a knack for the pet story genre. Maybe it is time you branched out to video. That would probably win you a fortune. It might supply you all with carrot cake, cheetos and chicken, anyway.
Lol. Your description of Fred's move to the forbidden table is great! "Not a single section of his body left the surface of the book and table, but flowed forward like a snake in slow motion." This is the best part.
Your description of Fred's antics is so descriptive, that I can almost see him as I read your story.
"Ever so slowly, at the pace of an antiquated snail, he oozed over the Dorland’s centimeter by centimeter." This is one of the best phrases I have ever seen for describing cat antics. I hope you are still writing about Fred.
Lol. This is a funny and true picture that you share with your readers. Your words make this clearly in our minds. I can see how you would get involved in this and miss your lecture. A lot of us would probably do about the same.
I wish you would change the title, however. You are missing an opportunity to express more of your concept in this poem. Since Haiku are so brief leaving off the title as part of it causes you to miss a chance to add a lot to your poem.
This is not intended as a criticism. I just want as much as I can get out of this poem. I am sure you will make it even better if you change the title to be an extension of your poem.
This violent poem is not my favorite either. Even when you write about stuff I don't especially like, you do it well.
Will a toad actually fight a cat? I never saw anything like that and I had a lot of cats that hunted and brought all sorts of things to me that they caught.
If you ever saw something like that, I would like to know. I expect there is a strong likelihood that you were using it as a symbol regardless of whether it is possible or not. It works well in that capacity either way.
You seem to have established a theme of animals dying to become reborn as Samurai. I hope you don't plan to keep on with it much longer. You did make your point already.
Your poems on other subjects are much better. Do you think you could consider staying with your strengths? Write on.
Lol. I liked your last lines the best: "Let’s launch the attack and target the REAL Axis of Evil => IMPEACH CHENEY-BUSH!
Perhaps small justice, but at least some."
This reminds me of a part in the Bible that favorably mentions people who cry out against injustice and other evils in the world. You are centainly doing a good job of that! It is very brave of you and I am impressed with your courage and fervor.
Your nimble way with words is also impressive. It is very stirring to read. Don't forget that the average newspaper reader only reads at 6th grade level. If you wish to read them you need to use smaller words and less complex sentences.
Overall the beginning of your story is interesting. Starting out at the opening sentence by describing the vase of flowers is not much of a hook for most readers.
In order to hook more readers at the beginning of your story, it would help to put something more exciting there than the flower and vase description.
The first place I noticed in the story that seemed to have better potential for a hook was: “Someone sure loves you to spend all that money for a bunch of flowers that are just going to die in a couple days.” These snide words came from Anita, the woman who shared the tiny cubicle with Irisa. “What’s the card say?”
These words of yours contain tension and evoke curiosity about what will happen next. Another spot in your story with even more tension and curiosity arousal potential is at your end with Anita sneaking into Irisa's desk. It is a good cliffhanger, but might be better employed to get your readers to read that far by putting it at the beginning.
You would have to find another cliffhanger for the end of this section, if you move Anita's sneaking around to the front of your story, of course.
Please don't be discouraged by my critique. Your story is good, but only needs a slight rearrangement to get you more readers.
Your writing left me with a nice clean, healthy feeling. It was very beautiful. It usually requires prayer and singing to get that feeling. I never got it from regular writing before. How did you do that? I liked it very much.
I hope your book is like that as well. It is very exciting to think of it as giving the same feeling.
I wish to discuss this more in emails if that is ok with you.
That part of your story was really, really good. I just enjoyed reading it so much I didn't want it to end. It bothers me even trying to critique such good writing.
I hardly noticed it, but the beginning of this part could have a little more of a hook in it. "I knew it was on the school supply list but I was trying to ignore it. I was starting junior high. Did my teacher think I was some baby like Patti?"
I'm not sure whether it is really relevant since you already have me caring for your characters so much.
"I did it; I broke the rule and let her come back. Everyone knew when someone was gone, you couldn't let their memory back in." This sentence would make the beginning of this part of your story more exciting for your readers.
I think that you did something I do a lot. I forget that things I think are very exciting have to be as exciting to potential readers as they are to me. You have to dig up a little bit of distance from your work to see it through your readers' eyes. It helps me when I put it away for a little bit and then look at it again.
You wrote this so well that I just hate to say anything about changing it. Please write more. You should finish this as a book. It will be good.
This is an exciting beginning for your story, but it does not seem to reflect what your story really seems to be about: "I had only known him a few days, so why should I have believed my brother when he said,"You were named after two nurses and the prison ward doctor who delivered you."
Here are two other possibilities for beginnings that seem to be more accurate reflections of the rest of the story: "I don't know how long I stood at the mailbox. I don't remember moving but I found myself sitting on the front steps of the house. Staring at the picture, the painful memories of my mother Harriet came flooding back. I had one meeting with her. One hour that had left me with more questions than answers."
"Did this brother that I never knew existed, who entered my life so unexpectedly, held the key that would unlock all the answers to the questions, which plagued many restless nights of childhood?"
They are not precisely as exciting as your current beginning, but they do arouse curiosity about what will come next. I am not trying to write yoru story for you, so you have to decide whether my comments are relevant to you.
I really like your story and admire the way it flows, but the current beginning left me looking for something that was not there. Maybe it comes later in the story, but if so, maybe we need a little more about it near the beginning. It seems as if one of the characters might go into a life of crime or at least do something scandalous. It is very good to read, however, and I enjoyed it.
Your story is very funny. The ending was the best. It made me laugh out loud.
Children are very good at changing their minds rapidly and taking things too literally. You showed us that very well.
It was a nice touch to use the point of view of Matthew. It made us think of how children think of things, instead of the usual approach from an adult viewpoint. That also made it more fun to read.
If you are the sort of parent that Matthew had in your story, you have got to be a saint. They were very patient and understanding. Matthew is definitely a handful and a child like that can be a real trial for parents' patience and understanding.
I thought it was expecially brave of the whole family to eat Matthew's efforts as a chef, without a word of complaint or criticism. The fortitude that required is especially funny to think about.
I really liked this article or essay. I went through a lot before I decided I believed in Gd. My search included reading stuff from all different religions, science, philosophy, literature, etc. It all decided me that Gd does exist.
There have been changes in science then that make it easier to come to conclude the existence of Gd. Fuzzy physics, fuzzy mathematics, etc. are some that seem just wonderful to me. The first experience that I had with them was reading, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters", by Gary Zukav. Another similar book is, The Tao of Physics", by Fritjof Capra.
Both of them are intended primarily for non-scientific, right-brained, creative types (like writers) to help them to understand big changes in the further reaches of theoretical physics.
Fuzzy Physics and Fuzzy Mathematics take "hard" science into a realm where science meets art and metaphysics.
Sorry I can't remember the author of this story, but I just have to share it here:
There was a scientist climbing a very difficult mountain. He struggled up to the top to find a group of mystics living in a monastery up there. One of the mystics greeted him, as he clambered up to the very top and said, "What took you so long?"
One recent scientific discovery that is much like this story is about finding a vibration inherent to even nonliving objects. Mystics have been there for centuries with Ommm..., Toning, other chants, singing in the spirit, etc.
"The Torah and Christian Bible share comments in their Books about "little hills skipping for joy and mountains singing." Other religions share similar sayings in their Books.
This poem made me smile. I watch people look at their lottery tickets and tear them up lots of times.
Your poem catches the feeling of that moment.
At a bus stop on public transit you can hear people dreaming out loud about how they will spend their lottery winnings before they know how it came out. That is kind of sad. I knew someone who won six million. He disappeared. Maybe it was a good ending and I missed it. Infrequent hobnobbing with millionaires lately. :)
This chapter is different thatn the first chapter, but it is still good. It leaves your readers full of questions about what is going on and what will happen next. This is good for keeping people reading.
The advent of the father is exciting, along with the knowledge of how Sarah and Shawn became separated. One is left wondering whether they will get back together. There is also a question as to whether Shawn is a good guy and if he had anything to do with Robin's disappearance. Last of all, one wonders about whether the family can find and get Robin back.
The way you raised suspicions in the raders, that the note may not actually be from Robin was very subtle. It was skillfully done. Go on. I am waiting to see what happens next.
I like your poem and its premise, but disagree with you.
Maybe we can't call things by the same words any more, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. We can squinch our eyes shut and say that flitting thing at the corner of our eye is some sort of optical illusion. We can still end up like the Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion saying, "I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks...."
We can also breathe a sigh of relief when we don't fall off the cliff and thank our Guardian Angel(s).
This is a nice idea. It is fun to think about flying.
I wish that you wouldn't use the word "abhorring" to describe how one feels about the ground below. To abhor is a very violent feeling and is overkill for this purpose. Using words incorrectly makes communication more difficult when it is hard enough already. This is a concept that might fit well into your "What is 'help' in Naikuno?" story.
You are a very good writer, so you can do better. The rest of your poem is better.
Your story provoked a laugh of recognition from me. It is funny how leaving makes men decide they have to tell you they love you.
The part about mom foisting items on her not really appreciative daughter was good too. I guess moms have to foist the things they think they would require for a move on their offspring. It gives it such a ring of truth. That is a nice touch.
This story is pretty gripping. It certainly does an excellent job of leaving you wanting to keep reading to find out what happens next.
"As she finished reading the brief message, she let out a gasp and stumbled forward. By the time her daughters reached her, all she could repeat was her youngest daughter’s name. It was a letter from RobinAs she finished reading the brief message, she let out a gasp and stumbled forward. By the time her daughters reached her, all she could repeat was her youngest daughter’s name.."
This is the only small quibble I have with your story. I think it would be improved if it went: "It was a letter from Robin. As she finished reading the brief message, she let out a gasp and stumbled forward. By the time her daughters reached her, all she could repeat was her youngest daughter’s name."
This is because having, "It was a letter from Robin," at the end is an anticlimax. It completes the information on the page at that point and does not help keep turning pages very well. Moving it to the beginning of the paragraph solves that problem, although you may find other ways to avoid the anticlimax instead of putting that sentence at the beginning of the paragraph.
Avoiding this anticlimax at the end of this portion of your story will keep your story consistently excellent.
This is a great prologue. It is very interesting and does work as a good hook to keep people reading.
One problem. A writer friend of mine said that people rarely read prologues, and they mostly skip to the first chapter instead. After we had a discussion about that he decided to eliminate his prologue and make it the first chapter instead.
Every author has to make their own choices, but you may want to reconsider your prologue if it will not have the effect you intend it to have.
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