I like it. The imagery is deep and complex, provoking but not obvious. You have a subtle way of bringing about feelings and emotions while concealing what you're actually saying. This is rare, usually people (myself included) come straight out with their message and find other ways to intrigue the reader. Your understated way of writing draws someone in and makes them pay attention. I had to read this poem a few times to get a clearer picture and I'm still not sure I get it all - which is the mark of an above average poem.
The emotive wording and strong imagery are the selling points of this poem.
I'm not sure about the metering and flow of the poem. The lines vary in length which isn't necessarily a bad thing but here I'm not feeling the rhythm. This may just be me though and if you're satisfied I wouldn't worry about it.
First of I want to say that I like it and I see potential in your writing which is why I'm going to be critical from here on out. I wouldn't waste my time telling you what I thought was wrong with it if I didn't think you could fix it and make it great.
This seems to me to be more of a song than a poem. It's very long and repetitive. That's fine for a song but not so much for a poem. You have to be sure about what you're writing and where you're going with it if you want to write something good. The length of the poem really draws away from the message. What you're saying has become diluted in all the lines and I don't really feel the strength of what you're saying anymore.
You're writing nicely. I can feel the emotions behind the word and you're imagery is suitable for the topic. The idea of the moon, your bed, your heart isn't exactly new but it is right for what you're talking about. It's a bit cliche though and makes your writing feel less personal. You might want to take out the general stuff and add details that are personal to you and will speak about what you feel and not what you think you should feel.
The themes and topic are good. Confusion in love is a broad, popular topic that is easy to relate to. However, to stand out among all the other love poems you have to add a unique twist. You have to look at your own personal situation and add the spice.
I want to start off by saying that I like this. It's not exactly new subject ground but the personal aspect you gave it made it into something new. Also the fact that you started straight away with the death instead of leading up to it and made your body your emotions and reactions leant it a unique element. The main thing about this piece is that you want people to connect and feel the experience with you and I'm not sure you nailed that.
How did the writing make you feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
The tone of the piece was clear. It was obviously sad, mournful and reflective. You communicated your thoughts well and got straight to the point. I couldn't really feel it thought. I think that may have to do with the fact that for most of the piece you were writing from a state of shock and everything was disconnected. That's cool and lends the scene an unreality that's good but the moment when he was laid into the ground and you started crying wasn't shocking enough. That's the climax of the whole thing and it fell a little bit flat. You had built up a lot of expectation and tension and I didn't feel as if it broke well enough. Perhaps you could add more detail as to how it FELT. Just my thoughts... it may help the audience connect a bit better.
Can you relate to the writing through a personal experience?
The subject matter is easy to relate to which is good and you included a few details about yourself (the car, facts about your grandpa's life, the weather) that drew me in. I think you should have done more of that. Your grandpa was an amazing, influential person. Make the reader feel that. Perhaps a small memory of something good he did, something special that you remember could help the reader feel more in touch and feel his loss a bit. You didn't really describe him and that made him a bit of a stranger for me. Perhaps at the wake scene you could include details about his face. An idea to contribute to the disconnected feeling of it is to perhaps describe random details or scenes about his life or home or something. Tie us in.
Did the plot interest you? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
The dialog in the beginning was a bit stilted. I think that "head wounds bleed a lot" sounds better than "head wound bleeds a lot." Your spacing needs some work too. Perhaps divide the first paragraph up a bit? Although the crammed feeling of the first paragraph does contribute to the rushed feeling of an accident. Just something to consider.
Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
The flow was good. You covered a decent span of time quite well. The time flow also contributed to the disconnected, out of touch feeling that you created to convey the shock you felt. You wrote it so that time didn't move smoothly and we only experienced chunks of it which I liked.
What did you like most? What did you like least? Did anything stand out?
I liked the whole thing. I liked the way it felt true. I liked the raw way you expressed it. I don't think you got the readers in touch enough. You are writing from a deeply personal perspective but you didn't tell us anything about the personal aspects. All we know is that a girl's grandpa died. Tell us a bit about the girl and tell us a bit about the grandpa. Touching, emotional things. It will draw the audience in more and make it more poignant and bring about a deeper reaction. I like the "everything was like a play" thing that you did. The disconnected, surreal feeling was good and came across well. You conveyed the shock you felt really well. That was definitely a strong point.
If this were your own writing, what would you want to know from a reviewer?
I liked it. It's a solid piece but just needs a bit of polish to round it up. Add some more detail about the people and make the emotional breaking point more of a climax, be explicit in how you feel and communicate the raw emotive power of what you were feeling and you will draw your audience in.
I really enjoyed this. It was light, simple and upbeat. I liked the positive angle of the poem.
The imagery was different but quite vivid. While reading your poem I felt as if I could really see your dogs chasing round causing mischief. It was lovely. I also liked how you so clearly conveyed each dog's personality. It made the poem a bit quirky.
Even though the majority of the poem was light and frothy the last stanza brought home a deeper meaning. The love and happiness that pets can bring is a light-hearted subject matter that is easily accessible as many people can relate to owning and loving pets.
I'm doing this review one stanza at a time. I'm going to provide my initial thoughts and feelings on what I've read and then I'll give you the overview.
Stanza 1:
A nice profound topic, something we've all thought about - the ability to change time. The rhyming is slightly contrived. It's not serious - just doesn't flow quite as smoothly as it could. Perhaps instead of "to change events that have gone by" It could be something along the line of "to change events gone by."
Stanza 2:
Much smoother rhyming. Flowed nicely. Nothing really meaty here, but it builds the suspense and tension.
Stanza 3:
Nice. I liked this stanza. Solid concept and ideas conveyed simply and eloquently.
Stanza 4:
Positive, upbeat, cheerful and encouraging. It's nice to see a poem that manages to be profound without being dark. I like the message and the way you have conveyed it.
Overall:
I liked the poem. It's an expansion of the original "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift which is why it's called the present" thing which is just a little cliche. But I think you manage to move away from it in the original, unique way in which you present the idea. I really liked this.
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