I found this story thought-provoking, sad, and touching. It induced in me sympathy for the character, at his unfair sentence and his death. Though the topic is nothing to laugh at, you delivered the story in a humourus way (up until the character's death) with interesting metaphors. Nice job.
The passion! The sincerity! This message spoke to me as I'm sure it speaks to others. The chicken metaphor is so accurate. The rhyme scheme was good, the rhythm was catchy. I think it might even apply to more than just kids these days—a lot of other people get bullied too, like wives of abuse and stuff like that. The ending—what everyone remembers, if nothing else, about a story or poem—definitely had immense impact. Well done, well done.
Whoa, i didnt see the ending coming. Nice twist. As the story went on, i found myself thinkong that it was ironic that the parents were the ones keeping secrets from the kids. Treasure hunts are so cool, especially ghost treasure! The part where they hear the footsteps and everyone goes into defensive mode was kind of random after the nice family camping seen you described. It seems that there should have been something to go ahead of that. Has the family dealt with something like that before? What else indicated the footsteps could be a threat? Other than that I really like this story.
I think that as writers, we need to daydream all of the time or else we would be out of work. I know that I use writing to get my daydreams out, and if I'm in the middle of a project, I like to sit and think about what my characters are going through, like watching a tv show that I make up as I go along. So I'm not daydreaming about myself, but the effect is the same. Serenity. Control. And sometimes a little fun.
This is great. The anxiety, the worry, the uncertainty. All the signs that show you really care about someone enough to take that risk. If this poem was written for a real person, I wish you luck! And no typos!
I like this poem because it shows what people go through during a breakup, the nitty gritty of the whole thing. I really like the rhyme scheme, as well!
OMG. Would you believe me if I told you that this is reminiscent of my old step dad? My mom and him separated in may, but he totally screwed us all up. I totally sympathies with your situation, seriously. I just hope you're safe, even though I know that it's hard and it really sucks. Being a kid is the pits when there's a new boyfriend involved. Forgiving really seems impossible when someone doesn't answer for what they do!
This story has an original and different voice. Jasarra is like no other character I have encountered. This story is complete, and most loose ends were tied up. The only thing I was curious to see is more detail of how and why she slept so Lomb, but that is just me nit picking to find something to criticize about this beautiful tale.
I like this poem because it reminds of my first real dog, smokey. Dogs really can be man's bet friend, and the memories are priceless! Bravo, my love for Smokey is personified here.
Reading this story, I really believed that you were writing this from the future. I had to remind myself that this is just a story a few times.
I often ponder what the future would be like....I love futureistic sci fi. So far, everyone predicts dystopia! I Jess the deeper meaning of clues from the present will play a key role, so if the Futurites want to survive they had better listen to us sci fi writers!
Deep. This was kind of like extremely short flash fiction, it's own story. The only thing missing is a small nugget of back story, so that I feel like I am a part of jill and not just an observer of a few minutes of her life. I am a newbie too (in more than one sense— I'm only fourteen) but i think this story has been a role model for the romance elements I might want to add to some stories of my own!
Haha. Kids are great, aren't they? They always lend humor to a situation with their innocence and perspective of life! The story is good, punctuation is the only thing to beware of! The whole grammar thing hardly affects the soul of the story, it just sometimes helps the flow move on a little smoother! I think this could be part of some sort of comic, lol.
I love this poem because it really encompasses everything that Christmas represents--even the part about Jesus! Nowadays we forget sometimes what Christmas really means, and families rarely talk about Jesus's birth to their children anymore--they leave it up to a church or something. But this poem did all of this and more and made me really feel it. It's nice to be reminded why Christmas is.
Aslie
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