My general impressions: Strong story, good dialogue, flows well for the most part, thought-provoking.
Spelling: Previlent should be prevalent.
Grammar: "every ebb of strength", ebb is a verb and does not work here with the noun strength. You need a noun here to quantify the strength. For instance "ounce", "bit", "shred" etc.
Suggestions:
"Once" weary and tired from days without rest.... Please change this to present tense with either "now" or "today" or something similar. It was confusing to me because initially I thought you were recounting a past incident and further on I found out that it was actually the present.
On any other occasion, she "could" have.... Grammatically could here means the physical capability to do something, which in this case is to walk up to the house. You should use the word "would" here instead to show that she makes the choice to walk up to the house. (I hope this is making sense, I know grammar but have a hard time explaining it. If you need any clarification here please feel free to email me:))
Finally (at last lol) I learned my grammar many, many moons ago and back then it wasn't correct to start a sentence with a preposition like "but" or "however". I know from reading authors that the rules have relaxed now in this regard, but it wouldn't hurt you to put a comma after one or two of the sentences preceding the "buts and howevers" you have in here and vary the writing a bit as I just did in this sentence. I do think that but and however should be used only sparingly at the beginnings of sentences. As an aside, the "Buts" in your dialogue are fine and sound natural.
Excellent story. I enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work!
Hello, welcome to the site. I am new here too. Please remember this is my opinion only and any comment/suggestions you are free to ignore or use as you like:)
First off, somehow I got the impression this was a fun story. Well its anything but fun. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things to deal with. This feels to me to be an internal dialogue rather than a story.
First off, I like the sentence " Well let’s just say that he does his unofficial job very well." I thought it was a subtle but very effective way of describing a situation with someone who isn't really aware of your feelings for him/her. This is a great line too "He just has a rough exterior that you have to slowly chip at, and after chipping for so long, I feel as if even if I wanted to fall out of love with him, it would be entirely impossible." It gets across the feeling that sometimes treasures are buried and require a lot of work to unearth. Very nice:)
Grammar issues:
"No one could help me from this form of torture," You don't want to use the word from here, may I suggest "with"
Definitely some run-on sentences. A few more periods would have given your readers a bit of a break. Here's one where you should have a period after her. "My best friend laughed at me when I told her this she says that that kind of thing doesn’t really happen to people or its was just my imagination." Also in that same line either remove the "s" from its to read "it was just" or remove the word was to read "it's just my imagination." If you choose "its" remember that "it's" is a contraction for it is and therefore needs an apostrophe.
Hi there, I'm new to the site as well. Please remember the opinions and suggestions I offer here are mine and mine alone and yours to take or leave as you decide.
I really get the impression this story is unfinished unless in the last sentence you mean to imply that she drowned herself, which is a biological impossibility.
"Of course Rob had been acting distant but up until last week things between them seemed to be improving and almost normal." Consider putting in an example or two of Rob's return to normality. Something like "He had started singing in the shower again...."
The timing seems awkward at best. Where was Rob five minutes ago? Are you saying that in the five minutes she took to get changed, he managed to pack up and leave, which means he had to get out of the hot tub, dry himself off, get dressed, write her a note? I guess he might not have been in the hot tub yet, but most people are not going to be vanishing in five minutes. They are going to pick a time to disappear when their partner won't be finding out for a few hours at least. For instance, the husband goes to work one morning and never comes home.... Also since she's out in the woods, would she not hear a car?
This is the present tense "Tonight, Danielle thought, would be different." You need the past tense here "Tonight, Danielle had thought, would be different"
This is a great line "Danielle couldn’t hear the incessant song of the crickets surrounding her, or the sound of a family of owls cooing in the distance, or the inviting roar of the jets in the hot tub." in conjunction with the rest of the story. It describes exactly the kind of selective oblivion we go into when we are in shock. Very well done:)
Tense again, Rob is gone so " She didn’t know where Rob 'had" disappeared to."
Hi there. I'm a newbie to the website too and no poet, but I'll try and give you some meaningful criticism here. Please remember these are my humble opinions only and any suggestions or comments I make are yours to take or leave as you see fit:)
First off, I like the simplicity of your poem of your poem and the way the words flow. Inspirational and thought provoking. A good rhyming pattern is established. I'm curious as to why you would choose a pattern of six stresses per line though. A more natural way of speaking would be five stresses per line.
Hello again! Your story is still holding my interest, although I am curious about the continuity since the first chapter finished with the promise of Daniel's first day at school ahead... As a stand-alone piece this chapter is well-written, although I thought the dream sequence overly long. It's not nice to confuse your readers for almost half a chapter, particularly when your attention to setting seems sparse as it is:) The segue from Daniel's dream to the real world is very nicely handled IMO. You have a lot of food for thought here, particularly with the lying. I am looking forward to reading more:) Grammatically, I believe you mean the word "ruse", not "rouse".
Hello! This is my first review here so please bear with me:) I gave this a 4.5 because it held my interest even though I am not particularly fond of computers or technology and the terminology associated with them. In this first chapter, you offer your reader a few tantalizing tastes of what lies ahead, which I like. My quibbles are few considering the subject matter, lol. Consider keeping technical jargon, and words which are not in the vocabulary of the average reader such as "rhytid" to the barest minimal level which will ensure the integrity of your story. I was also puzzled by Daniel's reference to
futility, as in a "futile attempt to mask their imperfections..." What would a computer know about futility? Consider removing that word. As a female, I can offer you the feedback that Michelle would not be leaving that restroom looking like a disaster with streaky makeup unless she was scared half to death which I didn't pick up from your story since she took the time to look at her reflection in the mirror and sigh.
Great first chapter, keep up the good work:)
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