I think this poem succeeds quite well actually; as I read this piece, I conjured up the image of a man and a woman experiencing a moment of solitude and peace with each other. As the moment of intimacy draws near, our storyteller revists wonderful memories of her lover, and what he means to her. It flows well, with enough ambiguity of continuity that we get a clear picture of this woman's love for her partner without getting too sappy or melodramatic. A pleasure to read!
A competent, inviting piece about the rigors of everyday life...it strikes me that you purposely decided to keep this piece light (which is part of what makes it so accessible) and you succeed in examining something that many people take for granted, something that a lot of people never take the time to consider. The final stanza is like a nice after-dinner mint; refreshing, and finishing the meal nicely. I'd be interested in seeing your take on meatier fare, though...
I enjoyed this poem a great deal. Judging from the title (and first stanza) I had assumed I would be reading about one person's sojourn on a given day, and while I got that, I also got a bit more. When we discover the paper airplane, and our writer's imagination begins to soar, we are rewarded not with a sense of longing or regret for things not done, but optimism and recognition of the instinct of "play" (as a child does). The writer allows himself a moment away from adult sensibilities and relishes this brief return to simple days, and leaves us with that rich taste in our mouths.
A fun story to be sure, and some excellent imagery, specifically when we're dealing with the The Demon King. This guy has classic villian written (pardon the pun) all over him. I do have some criticism for you, however.
Firstly, you bill this as the first chapter of a larger story, which is great, there's a lot of story here. Unfortunately, we do a lot of jumping around, and we have a lot of characters enter and exit. This is fine if you're going for a chronicaling of events, however, the reader's perspective is jumping around with the action. In one chapter, we see things from perspective of The Demon King, The Knight Captain, The King, and the princess. With all that's going on, it feels like we're being rushed through introductions for the sake of moving the story...Maybe we're hearing this story from the point of view of someone who was there to see the whole thing? The action of the piece breaks down like this:
1: A city is under siege.
2: The Captain of the city's forces prepares for an attack.
3: The Captain is defeated, the enemy moves on to the castle proper.
4: The King is defeated.
5: The Princess escapes.
That's a lot of action to press into the space you've got it into...You could very easily make this the first 2 or three chapters without sacrificing the tension and sense of imminent doom.
Fiasco
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