The writing in the chapter is fine but fails to add much to your ongoing story. In a novel, or any writing for that matter, everything must either add to the plot or add to the character. This, at this moment, fails to do either. But don't panic yet. It's still first draft and you're probably laying the seeds for further action later on. The thing you need to do is make this chapter more relevant now.
First things first: If Marcie has a brother Brad, we should have learned about him in the first chapter. Perhaps, he's home when she gets back from school.
Two: Brad needs to have a roll in this chapter, more than just being in the house and being annoying. He adds nothing to the plot at this moment. However if he knew the girls snuck out last night and promised not to tell mom or dad if his sister lets him in on her adventure - then he would have a part in the plot and tension would be built. Even if he was just hanging the info over their heads, or if he had suspicions and now they had to avoid him too - it would give him a job in the book.
Three: Kiki hurt her ankle in the last chapter. You don't address that here.
Four: Breakfast is not important at this time. It's just breakfast, it adds nothing to your story. You need to give every action importance. Maybe Kiki limps down the stairs and the parents notice. Now questions are raised. Maybe Brad says something and the girls are warned from the old farm house or banned all together. Now how will Marcie get her mystery solved? All this can build the tension.
Make everything you write important, everything your characters do or say have meaning - this is plot.
A few other things for when you edit:
Watch the repetition. You are a good writer, your audience will get it on the first go around.
Example:
She shook her HEAD quickly from SIDE TO SIDE, trying to clear the vision in her HEAD from the previous night.
As she turned her head from SIDE TO SIDE she noticed the dark circles under her eyes and thought to herself that she looked like, Mortisha, from the Munsters.
(BTW: Morticia is from the Addam's Family. I know you would have caught that in the re-write - just thought I'd save you the research).
Don't forget the biggest rule of writing – GET IT DONE. Don't worry about the stuff I wrote until the next draft. Just keep going. Really. It call be dealt with later. Just make notes to remind you of what you want to change and keep writing.
It's a good start to a first draft. The tension builds nicely. I'm not sure why the first part is in italics and centered as it seemed to be part of the action.
Of course, being a first draft, there is tons of stuff to fix - BUT don't worry about it now. At the moment all you need to do is write and finish. After that, you can come back and fix stuff a couple thousand times. (or at least that's the way it feels when I go over my manuscripts!)
Just a few notes for your future chapters:
- Don't use the word SUDDENLY. I know sometimes stuff happens suddenly, but if you stop yourself form using that word you will find you are forced to choose more active and descriptive words and it makes your writing better.
- Try not to start sentences with AS SHE, AS HE or AS THE. Start with action in those cases.
Example:
As she got closer to the pictures, she realized that they were of Mr. and Mrs. Miller.
Creeping closer to the pictures, she realized they were Mr. and Mrs. Miller.
- Most people put THAT and HAD in way too many times(including me). Don't worry about it on your first draft but keep it in mind when you edit. If the sentence still makes sense when you cut those words then get rid of them.
You have some really nice descriptions that send shivers up one's spine. When you re-read your work - look for those points and see if you can make the rest of the descriptions imitate those.
Well done! I only intended to read the first part as I have very limited time but two hours later I came to the end of a story I couldn't be drawn away from.
Your characterization is good. I would like to know more about the girl at the beginning. Some of the passages of inner thought and explaination go on a bit long and are repeating things you have already said. The best remedy I have found in my own work for this problem is to cut about one third or so when you edit. It sounds harsh but it really does tighten the story and get rid of anything that does not move the plot along. Just a suggestion.
I really enjoyed reading Ghost. You are a very talented writer.
You may like Cursorblock's work if you have not checked it out previously.
This is good. Very exciting and filled with action. You show us the world very well.
It would be good to have some description of your main characters right off the bat instead of just names. Something to put the names to. It doesn't need to even be a physical description, it could be a mannerism.
I didn't like the list of names and positions. I see why you did it, but it seemed too simple. It might be better if while Jake scrawls down the names and positions he talks to his crew and explains why people are getting the roles that he writes down. Like, for example: "Christine, you're medic because you don't faint at the sight of blood and your gimpy leg is going to slow you down. This way you'll stay safe and keep us safe too."
Over all I did like it and it would be something I would come back an read more of.
An interesting premis. There is a hook at the beginning and the ending is well executed. Unfortunately the part between "Finally I reached the door to his hole" and "This is good bye isn't it." we are being told the story only. We can not see the colors or smells or tastes. We take no part in the story and are only told as if in another place far away from the event.
"He greeted me warmly" so lets hear him/ see him greet you warmly - not just be told about it. How did he move. What did he look like. Did he wear clothes or not.
"After making sure I was comfortable..." where did he make you comfortable? In his kitchen? In the sitting room? What did it look like? Rough dirt walls? Wooden walls? A fireplace? Give us a hint.
What kind of tea does a Rabbit make. What does it taste like?
Why did he just reminisce? Why not you? What did you do while he told these tales? What did you think. Build some tension so that when the conversation grinds to a halt we feel it as much as the character.
I did like this story. As it is, it works quite well, but it could be so much more. Keep at it and it will be something great!
It is a good start and an amazing world. Just a few notes:
- show what you want to protray don't say it.
- don't reveal the whole world at once. It is very overwhelming.
I liked the opening sentences. What a great hook! It could be even better. Try this-
Simon couldn’t discern the mood of the King today. Actually, elephants were difficult to read on any day. The King sat idly on his jewel-encrusted throne, awaiting the plea of his subject, keeping an inquisitive gaze fixated on (Simon) gaunt,(and) tired at his feet. Such a confrontation was commonplace in his kingdom. But today, Simon was going to test the composure of his leader. He needed to. Because (he)Simon was determined to get out.
Keep your opening simple. Just state the facts. Where are we. Who is the main Character and What does he want. Get to all the lush detail as you explore the world with your reader. We can tell by the beginning that we are not on Earth we don't need the entire map thrust into our hands.
Watch your point of view. Switching it too much makes the story hard to follow. If it is Simon's story - let's follow Simon.
Put lots of senses into your work. Sight, Smell, Taste, Touch and Sound.
I love the final sentence too. A great hook for the end. Why is Simon so important? Maybe don't mention the Lions. Leave the readers heading to the next chapter to find out what important roll Simon plays in this world.
Good work
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