Hi there! I just want you to know that I'm no expert as well and that my very first novel is extremely ambitious compared to my experience.
I know the feeling that feeling of anxiety where you can't really move on in writing a story without somebody looking at deeply and I will do my best to encourage you to keep on writing. I'm a noob at giving reviews so you can do counter reviews at anytime :) Here goes.
Just a few symbols I use:
1. [Brackets] - Add
2. (Parenthesis) - Omit
3. ?Question Marks? - Confusing.
4. *Asterisks* - Notice
5. SUGGESTION: - This means what it means and is subjective. It's your choice if you want to follow them. Though, most of the time, these suggestions are made due to some technical issues that cannot be addressed with a simple addition and omission. To put things straight, there is really something wrong with it, and fixing it is still crucial.
6. OPTIONAL: - This is just me. :))))
NOTES:
1. Never write Doctor Stanley only write Dr. Stanley. Standard rules I forgot to correct early on. I have faith that you'd be able to find these yourself, friend.
2. Practice in writing with the correct tense. (Past tense)
Technical stuff (You don't have to follow everything ^_^):
1.) FIRST PARAGRAPH:
War hasn’t changed over the current of time… Most don’t make it to battle; rather[,] they are fought through diplomacy, the gathering of leaders and negotiations.
- Put a comma after rather. A semi-colon is like a superior comma which separates 2 independent clauses or if you want a certain clause to stand out. "Rather" should be followed by a comma since it introduces the second independent clause and is not part of it so it has to be separated by a comma, such as the likes of ";however,".
War hasn’t changed over the current of time… Most don’t make it to battle; rather, they are fought through diplomacy, the gathering of leaders and negotiations.
2.) SECOND PARAGRAPH:
After that[,] create enough hunger and people will *automatically* kill each other. ??The advantage[s] that this gives you(,) is that it (doesn’t) cost you any soldiers, and a coup d’état is easy.?? All you have to do ,[now,] is find “a face” to represent you(,) which you bring to the people as the savior. You then try to rebalance that country’s system and now you’re in control. You think the economical downfall of Greece was bad luck? That was just a prototype. This is what we call[--]economic warfare.
- Add a comma to separate "after that" with the main sense of the sentence. Always remember to separate introductory phrases with commas.
- SUGGESTION: "Automatically" sounds a bit weird for this bit. I hate suggesting things since it makes me sound like a smart-ass but maybe this would help make the sentence sound more natural:
"After that, create enough hunger and the next thing you'll see is a bunch of people starting to see each other as crispy bacon for their plates." - Or something like this.
- "Advantages" since you are giving 2.
- Take out the comma since you are separating 2 ideas that should be glued to each other.
- SUGGESTION: Okay, there are continuity issues beginning to occur. The first part of the second paragraph begins with an "After that". This makes the paragraph end up like a step by step process. If that's what you;re going for, you have to change "doesn't" to "won't" since you're showing the step by step procedures.
- SUGGESTION: "And a coup d’état is easy" just doesn't fit the continuity and is just very confusing. Maybe something like "and it makes a coup d’état that much easier."
- SUGGESTION: Add a "now" to bring in that continuity that the previous sentences gave. It also makes the procedures sound a lot easier, considering you've just trickled down the enemy's economy.
- OPTIONAL: You can add an m-dash before introducing economic warfare just to give it that dramatic flare. It may make it cheesy though, so wait for other reviews before considering this.
After that, create enough hunger and the next thing you'll see is a bunch of people starting to see each other as crispy bacon for their plates. The advantages that this gives you is that it won't cost you any soldiers and it would make coup d’états just that much easier. All you have to do now is find “a face” to represent you, which you bring to the people as the savior. You then try to rebalance that country’s system and now you’re in control. You think the economical downfall of Greece was bad luck? That was just a prototype. This is what we call--economic warfare.
NOTE: I may have just read this part wrong. It's just a tad bit too confusing to grasp what you wanted to say. Improvements don't hurt ^_^.
3.) THIRD PARAGRAPH:
Put propaganda in your education to brainwash the children to your needs. (And) [Y]ou’ve now corrupted the future leaders as well as their people; they’ve been bathed in your propaganda. This way(,) you’re good for a long term occupation and the best thing about it is that your face, in both cases, isn’t known. You’re a ghost, other countries can’t stop you, they will only see the face you put on the top, but in fact you are in control. You run your show like a worm, they cut off the head and it will still live, the heart is located elsewhere.
- SUGGESTION: You've used the same tone and syntax with the previous sentences, why just use the conjunction "and" all of a sudden? To be a bit more parallel with the structure of the previous sentence, omit the conjunction "and". Another reason why I put this up is because the two sentences are practically one, it's one thing to separate 1 cohesive idea with a comma but using a period is a whole different level. Getting rid of the period is also an idea, but you'd have to get rid of the other independent clause so to make the sentence a lot shorter and less wonky. If I were you though, try using the first suggestion.
- Add a comma after "this way" as it only serves as an introductory phrase.
Put propaganda in your education to brainwash the children to your needs. You’ve now corrupted the future leaders as well as their people; they’ve been bathed in your propaganda. This way, you’re good for a long term occupation and the best thing about it is that your face, in both cases, isn’t known. You’re a ghost, other countries can’t stop you, they will only see the face you put on the top, but in fact you are in control. You run your show like a worm, they cut off the head and it will still live, the heart is located elsewhere.
4.) FOURTH PARAGRAPH:
Today[,] I’m here to perform diplomacy for the organization. The person I’m about to negotiate with is named Ronald Darren Stanley. When he was 18[,] he started at medical school. He graduated at the top of his class. His career as a doctor was short lived[,however]. Frustrated with how his city was r[a]n, he decided to get into politics. At the age of 31[,] he was mayor of his small home town and he soon climbed the ladder. He’s now running for governor. He married his wife Caroline at the age of 24 and ha[d] a son with her. The(y) boy [was] his treasure, aged 14 and named Gabriel. He spoil[ed] the boy towards the extreme and referr[ed] to him often in his speeches.
- Comma before introductory phrases.
- Comma before introductory phrases.
- SUGGESTION: Add ", however" to offset the positive statement. It's just not right to put two contradicting statements side-by-side without adding a negative conjunction.
- Always use the past tense when writing. You're telling a story and a guy's background which obviously happened in the past. Besides, you started it off using the past tense so there is no reason to insert a present tense verb out of the blue. "ran" not "run".
- Comma before introductory phrases.
- Use "had" not "has" since you are referring to a past before the past. Remember that you use the past tense when writing.
- Must've been a typo. It should be "The boy" not "They boy".
- Use "was" since the story is being told in the past tense. Don;t forget to parallel the tenses of your story. Don;t use the past tense then arbitrarily use the present tense. Don't worry, I always made that mistake at first so I understand you ^_^.
- Past tense rule
- Same as above.
Today, I’m here to perform diplomacy for the organization. The person I’m about to negotiate with is named Ronald Darren Stanley. When he was 18, he started at medical school. He graduated at the top of his class. His career as a doctor was short lived, however. Frustrated with how his city was ran, he decided to get into politics. At the age of 31, he was mayor of his small home town and he soon climbed the ladder. He’s now running for governor. He married his wife Caroline at the age of 24 and had a son with her. The boy was his treasure, aged 14 and named Gabriel. He spoiled the boy towards the extreme and referred to him often in his speeches.
5.) FIFTH PARAGRAPH
This information is[,] of course[,] commonly known by anybody interested in Doctor Stanley. What most people don’t know(,) is that at the age of 7 he stole money from his sister and (even) his parents never found out. He beat his wife the first time he didn’t get elected as mayor. He [also] has an affair with his secretary and has thought of hiring somebody to kill his adversary, John Cooke. This is only a small part of what I know about Doctor Stanley.
- Separate filler phrases with commas.
- No need for the comma.
- Don't use "even" since the word "even" states that the parents were subjected to the same experience as Stanley's sister which isn't true. He stole from his sister and not from his parents too. Omit the word "even".
- SUGGESTION: Add the word "also". It connects the ideas when a comma isn't used.
This information is, of course, commonly known by anybody interested in Doctor Stanley. What most people don’t know is that at the age of 7 he stole money from his sister and his parents never found out. He beat his wife the first time he didn’t get elected as mayor. He also has an affair with his secretary and has thought of hiring somebody to kill his adversary, John Cooke. This is only a small part of what I know about Doctor Stanley.
6.) SIXTH PARAGRAPH
.[space]At 7:06 pm the elevator rose to his floor and he stepped in. We’re standing alone. I’ve already rigged the camera to repeat yesterday’s video. I’m a ghost.
- You forgot to add a space between the period and the following sentence.
- Make the transition between describing Stanley and when an event occurs.
. At 7:06 pm the elevator rose to his floor and he stepped in. We’re standing alone. I’ve already rigged the camera to repeat yesterday’s video. I’m a ghost.
7.) STANLEY'S DIALOGUE:
Son, if you’re here to commercialize me, you’ll have to make an appointment like everybody else[,]” [h]e snarled.
- Add a comma after the dialogue. Use the lower case "h" in "he."
- Okay, this is extremely difficult to explain but there are these rules when writing dialogue. Always end a dialogue with a comma if it will be followed by: " he said", "she said", " she snarled" etc.; and if you're not planning on using and "!" or "?" to end that dialogue. Never capitalize the first letter of the pronoun. Now there are exceptions but I suggest you search for them online. There's a lot of material out there for you dude and I have faith you'll learn them all in time.
Son, if you’re here to commercialize me, you’ll have to make an appointment like everybody else,” he snarled.
8.) DIALOGUES:
“Why no sir, the organization I work for can help you with your elections as governor, surely a chance you shouldn’t neglect, not many have been offered the same[,]” I answer[ed].
“Boy, I’m not interested what so ever now please leave it at that[,]” he said angrily.
“Perhaps you have heard of a man called ‘Hung Than’? He’s a very influential man[.]” (I said.)
“I’ve heard his name only once and all I know is that this man is involved in criminal activities, I won’t be part of it!” (he growled.)
- Add a comma after the dialogue. Remember to use past tense. It should be "Answered" not "Answer."
- Add a comma after the dialogue.
- Now using the "he said", "she said", "he growled" thing over and over again isn't very nice to see and gets too repetitive. As long as it's clear that the dialogue is between the two characters, there is no need for it.
- Since I omitted the "I said", you have to use a period now to end the sentence or any other punctuation but a comma. Just remember, use the period and not a comma when writting a dialogue without the "said" part.
- SUGGESTION: Added a period.
- SUGGESTION: Removed the "he growled" since it isn't necessary anymore. It's very obvious he's growling in anger.
“Why no sir, the organization I work for can help you with your elections as governor, surely a chance you shouldn’t neglect, not many have been offered the same,” I answered.
“Boy, I’m not interested what so ever now please leave it at that,” he said angrily.
“Perhaps you have heard of a man called ‘Hung Than’? He’s a very influential man.”
“I’ve heard his name only once and all I know is that this man is involved in criminal activities, I won’t be part of it!”
9.) DIALOGUES:
“Boy, are you threatening me? Guard, show this man the way to the door[,]” he yelled.
“Sir, have you ever been tortured before?” I said with a small grin on my face.
“Guard, get this man out immediately[!]” he shouted as his face was starting to get red.
“An unwise choice, we’ll meet again[,]” I added as the guard grabbed me and tossed me out.
- Added the comma.
- Added the exclamation mark as it better represents shouting.
- Added the comma
“Boy, are you threatening me? Guard, show this man the way to the door,” he yelled.
“Sir, have you ever been tortured before?” I said with a small grin on my face.
“Guard, get this man out immediately!” he shouted as his face was starting to get red.
“An unwise choice, we’ll meet again,” I added as the guard grabbed me and tossed me out.
10.) NINTH PARAGRAPH:
I strapped him to his chair; a cloth bag is still over his head. I first ensure[d] that [his] legs and arms [were] tightly stuck so that he can’t move. Next I ensure[d] that he can’t move his hands, tight [w]raps around the wrists [were] easy for this. Preferably[,] your chair has big arm rests so that his hand[s] can lay flat on them. I pull[ed] the bag from Stanley’s head and cut the rope out of his mouth.
- "Ensured" because of the past tense rule.
- "His" legs. I think you just forgot to put this in.
- Past tense. "Were" not "are". "Ensured" not "Ensure"
- "Wraps" not "raps".
- "Were" not "Are"
- Add a comma after preferably as it's a filler word.
- "Hands" not "Hand" since you're referring to 2 armrests and maybe the underlying fact that Stanley has 2 hands.
- "Pulled" not "Pull".
- I'm confused. How did he end up strapping Stanley? At least point out that our guy got him. It's a bit of a head shaker that the transition is very rash.
I strapped him to his chair; a cloth bag is still over his head. I first ensured that his legs and arms are tightly stuck so that he can’t move. Next I ensure that he can’t move his hands, tight [w]raps around the wrists are easy for this. Preferably[,] your chair has big arm rests so that his hand[s] can lay flat on them. I pull the bag from Stanley’s head and cut the rope out of his mouth.
11.) A LOT:
“Ugh… Where am I? … You! You’re messing with the wrong man, boy…[,]” he urged.
I grinned slightly as I replied, “I told you my organization wanted you in but you didn’t want to cooperate and forced me to play this the hard way. You think I was bluffing? Sadly enough we don’t bluff.”
“Do to me whatever you want, I won’t help you or your organization[.]”
“Who said anything about doing things with you? On your left sir, you’ll see your beloved Gabriel[.]” (I said.)
“WHAT? No, please don’t, don’t hurt my boy! Hurt me! Please, I beg you[,]” he cried.
I slap[ped] him in the face as I [told] him “I’m sorry for you and your family…[.]”
- The period and comma rule in dialogues also applies to ellipses. it should be "boy...," Now there is so much more to this but my review is long enough already. There are a lot of good sites out there for you friend. Studying about it is a really good thing. You can also ask me for a link to a site if you want. I'm open if you need any help friend.
- The rest, you can understand by now.
“Ugh… Where am I? … You! You’re messing with the wrong man, boy…,” he urged.
I grinned slightly as I replied, “I told you my organization wanted you in but you didn’t want to cooperate and forced me to play this the hard way. You think I was bluffing? Sadly enough we don’t bluff.”
“Do to me whatever you want, I won’t help you or your organization.”
“Who said anything about doing things with you? On your left sir, you’ll see your beloved Gabriel.”
“WHAT? No, please don’t, don’t hurt my boy! Hurt me! Please, I beg you,” he cried.
I slapped him in the face as I told him “I’m sorry for you and your family….”
NOTE: From here on out I won't point out specifics anymore since you must now be aware why I do certain changes. I just want to end the technical part and start praising this thing.
12.) ELEVENTH PARAGRAPH:
His son [was] strapped the same way as he. I ensure[d] the boy can clearly see what I(’m) [was] about to do. People who [were]in fear always scream[ed] louder, I want[ed] to make sure his father g[ot] the message. I t[ook] the copper wire I’ve prepared. I(’ve) grinded the top end of the 3mm wire to a flat point. I t[ook] [an][space] HT-922 Portable Torch and heat[ed] the wire [']till it [was] burning red. It [went] under the nail smoothly. [A] [f]lat wire [was] better because i[t] [stuck] close to the nail, [a] round wire ha[d] a tendency to move undirected. I only push[ed] it about a centimeter deep, never passed the length of the nail. This[,] combined with flat wire[,] ensure[d] that the boy can still use his finger after the process. I can’t really distinguish who’s screaming more, [Dr.] Stanley or his son. I pull[ed] the wire back out in a quick motion, boiling skin still stuck on it. I (go) s[a]t in front of the Doctor who’s now screaming like a mad man.
His son was strapped the same way as he. I ensured the boy can clearly see what I was about to do. People who were in fear always screamed louder, I wanted to make sure his father got the message. I took the copper wire I’ve prepared. I grinded the top end of the 3mm wire to a flat point. I took an HT-922 Portable Torch and heated the wire 'till it was burning red. It went under the nail smoothly. A flat wire was better because it stuck close to the nail, a round wire had a tendency to move undirected. I only pushed it about a centimeter deep, never passed the length of the nail. This, combined with flat wire, ensured that the boy can still use his finger after the process. I can’t really distinguish who’s screaming more, Dr. Stanley or his son. I pulled the wire back out in a quick motion, boiling skin still stuck on it. I sat in front of the Doctor who’s now screaming like a mad man.
13.) ALMOST DONE:
I slap[ped] him in the face and sa[id] “Now you listen to me old man, from now on you’ll do as we tell you or ?we’ve? got 9 other fingers to go over and other family members who might not endure torture so well.”
I raise[d] my voice and add[ed], “You don’t know who we are but we know exactly who you are… Do not fuck with us!”
I put their bags back on their heads, and together with ?my partner?, we thr[e]w them, still strapped to their chairs , in the van I(’ve) rented. I dr[o]ve two blocks away from the ?hospital?, my partner cut(s) them loose and we immediately dr[o]ve away. Afterwards[,] we removed the stolen vehicle registration plate and dump[ed] it in the bush. We had to ensure that[,] just in case he did pull his bag off quick enough to see the plate, he (hadn’t) [wouldn't] see(n) the real one; we had to be certain he didn’t know anything.
- Please, tell us he had a partner early on. Don't go and just plonk him down in the scene. I never expected it and the "we" pronoun just threw me off. Fix it in earlier paragraphs.
- Please specify that the hospital was the torture site now or earlier. It's best to do it in the part where you rashly cut off from the protagonist meeting with the doctor and him torturing the guy or at least say that the torture site was the place where they met. It's really confusing.
I slapped him in the face and said “Now you listen to me old man, from now on you’ll do as we tell you or we’ve got 9 other fingers to go over and other family members who might not endure torture so well.”
I raised my voice and added, “You don’t know who we are but we know exactly who you are… Do not fuck with us!”
I put their bags back on their heads, and together with my partner, we threw them, still strapped to their chairs , in the van I rented. I drove two blocks away from the hospital, my partner cut them loose and we immediately drove away. Afterwards, we removed the stolen vehicle registration plate and dumped it in the bush. We had to ensure that, just in case he did pull his bag off quick enough to see the plate, he wouldn't see the real one; we had to be certain he didn’t know anything.
14: FINAL:
I’ve always wondered how he explained that in the hospital, but somehow he managed and his boy can still use all ten of his fingers. Both of them are scarred for life, they won’t forget this lesson soon. Now don’t start thinking I like doing this. I’m neutral; I do what has to be done. From then on somebody else was [Dr.] Stanley’s contact person. He behaved well and it didn’t take much to ensure that John Cooke didn’t win.
- "Dr." not "Doctor". Use the abbrev. form before names including other titles such as Mr. or Prof.
I’ve always wondered how he explained that in the hospital, but somehow he managed and his boy can still use all ten of his fingers. Both of them are scarred for life, they won’t forget this lesson soon. Now don’t start thinking I like doing this. I’m neutral; I do what has to be done. From then on somebody else was Dr. Stanley’s contact person. He behaved well and it didn’t take much to ensure that John Cooke didn’t win.
NOTE: I may have missed some stuff, a lot of stuff. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to e-mail me, I'd like to help. If some sentences are wonky, I am truly sorry I'm just exhausted. Anyway, don't mind that.
PROS:
1. I LOVE THE STORY! Partly because I'm biased with these kinds of stories. The novel I'm making will have this sort of vibe but a lot less. Apples and oranges.
2. I was hooked to it!
3. Writing is decent.
4. Dialogue is decent.
5. Love the intro.
6. A lot dude, a lot. Just continue the heck out of this story and come to me for any help.
CONS:
1. Writing needs improvement.
2. Rash transitions and awkward character placements.
3. Weird dialogue at times.
4. Not very experienced in technical writing.
COMMENTS:
1. Keep writing dude and improve yourself. Fix the tenses, grammar, punctuation, parallelism and stuff.
2. I'm not a big fan of reviewing online, sadly. I think I could've done better dude.
3. Make something unique out of the concept please. Don't make it cliche and hollywood.
4. I have two scores for you:
a. (3/5) for the story as a whole. I fear that it hasn't said that much and that it might not turn out as good as I think.
b. (4.5/5) This is the score I'm gonna give though. It's a score based on the material itself! No speculations. Reminds me of House of Cards and Breaking Bad.
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