Basic Storyline: A lone wizard travels and receives information regarding a prophecy found in his dreams.
Protagonist: Omistas, the Wizard
Antagonist: Thus far, Leanderous. Though I am having suspicions suggesting otherwise.
Plot Notes: Sounds like you know where you’re going. It’s hard for me to say anything further until more is written.
Names Chosen: Omistas is clear and easy to read. A few of the names in the beginning could scare people off, but if a long name is needed to get the correct feel for the character, then so be it.
Beginning: Your first two beginning paragraphs immediately draw me into the story. Though Omistas’ ride to the Three Sisters’ house became a little confusing at times. Particularly the part where he tries to turn invisible. I guess you wanted to show his magic in action, but you should probably go through and add more detail to those scenes so the reader does not become confused.
Finish: Intriguing. It makes me want to read more. His advice to Leanderous gives incentive to read further, just to see what becomes of him.
Description: Very good. You made me see the surroundings. Just for experimentation, try adding some scents and textures in addition to your character’s sight.
Spelling & Grammar: Your spelling and grammar was perfect. I found no flaws.
Puncuation: Just a few suggestions.
Paragraph 5:
At camp Omistas breaks down his lean-to…
You should add a comma between camp and Omistas. This is the first time you mention your main character by name. Upon my first reading of it, it sounded like Omistas was the name of the camp.
Paragraph 14:
Omistas hears the buzzing and realizes too late his mistake.
I would rephrase the last four words. It makes for a smoother read.
Paragraph 33:
Omistas bows low before them, “Thank you sisters for speaking with me.”
Add commas before and after sisters. It should look like this: Thank you, sisters, for… You should do this whenever you address a character by name in the middle of a different sentence. Same goes for Paragraph 45.
Paragraph 40:
“Yes sisters.” he answers rising to his feet, staff in hand.
Same goes here: “Yes, sisters.” Also, I noticed that whenever you write something after dialogue, you do not capitalize the first word. Normally, you should.
Pacing: Pretty good. Sometime during his ride to the sisters’ house, I wondered what you were doing there, but most of it was good.
Dialogue: Well done and believable.
Character Development: Good. I feel more familiar with Omistas by the time I reached the end of the story.
Overall Feeling: Intriguing and Mystical.
Layout: It was fine, no suggestions.
Suggestions: Just look over your piece again and edit the things I pointed out to you. Other than that, KEEP WRITING! It’s been a pleasure reviewing you!
Rating:
-Gracelin
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That was very well thought-out. Thanks so much for sharing. I loved your descriptions and layout. Your poem presents a thought not often presented, making it unique. Quite well done...
I give you five stars.
-Gracelin
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