This one's excellent... probably not as striking just after reading the other two pieces, because those two had the queen who made the fight very meaningful
Also, the description of the Hungarian guy is a bit on the long side here, compared to the length of the piece.
However - having said that, I think this story will stand strong on its own. I love how your describe the chess match as a phisical, violent fight. This image is memorable.
Why I picked this item over the others in your port?
Saw a public review on it and was draw in but what I saw there.
Overall impression:
Powerful and sad poem. Once I started, I couldn't stop reading.
Things I particularly liked:
The choice of style. It allows to write a very concise piece (just like poetry) but it doesn't limit you with rhymes, similar to prose.
The emotional impact of it is powerful. Very well done.
I liked the rhythm of the piece. Once I fell into it, it carried me along - like the marching pace of a herd would do, I guess.
My suggestions for improvement:
Nothing from me on the content or style - it's qiote complete, and I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up published.
Just one typo (I'm sure people pointed it out while you're away - "breathing down are necks".
Other thoughts/comments:
I didn't realise that this was about dinazaurs till the flashback came. At first, I thought it was on some human tribe, then on some savannah animals... very well done with humanizing the animals here.
My rating:
I rate this item 5 because it's memorable and complete.
Why I picked this item over the others in your port?
I'm a short-story buff. I couldn't resist the title of this story
Overall impression:
Ouch. I was embarrased on your behalf - nice buildup to what has happened! Even though I figured what would happen to you as soon as you mentioned 'bikini', the impact of reading it was still strong.
Things I particularly liked:
The story reads beautifully. Short, with defined boundaried, and to the point.
The starting paragraph was great - it suck me right in. Excellent job.
The tone of the story - a friendly, chatty style of telling. I felt as if I was listening to your voice. Very nice choice of words and overall structure of sentences.
My suggestions for improvement:
None, really. I tried hard to find any.
My rating:
I rate this item 5 because it's engaging, fast-paced, and conveys a strong emotional impact.
Why I picked this item over the others in your port?
I normally avoid items with awardicons (what value can I bring there?) but decided to check one out
Overall impression:
Super! Made me cry out "no, no, no!" to the screen several times and in the end, I laughed. Great read!
Things I particularly liked:
The inner voice of the narrator. Intimate, friendly, shy.
The description of the girl. Very well done. I could see her in my mind clearly.
The whole dialogue... delicious
My suggestions for improvement:
The beginning didn't engage me much. I actually was fidgeting by the end of paragraph two, and then again when he was thinking of her names; and I was ready to quit just before the dialogue began (mainly because I'm stressed by the Pirating, I say). Not sure if it needs a change - I'm probably unique with my short attention span.
Other thoughts/comments:
Excellent, insightful read. I was delighted with the dialogue and the inner struggle that accompanied it.
My rating:
I rate this item 4.5 because it's so well done - but the piece from 'ratty blue jeans...' till '...aloft in front of me' was, for me, a bit heavy on description that didn't do much for me.
Why I picked this item over the others in your port?
I love short stories. And you have quite a few!
Overall impression:
Very light-hearted story. Left me in a good mood!
Things I particularly liked:
The internal monologue was nice. It made me almost cry out 'no, no, don't do it!' a few times
The character of the narrator is likable, and easy to associate with. I got quite attached to her by the end of the story.
The whole situation is ideal for a comedy. Great choice! Loved the dirt pile, btw.
My suggestions for improvement:
Sorry - it's a minor one... double-spacing the paragraph would help so much. As it stands, I keep losing the correct line. Makes my eyes want stop reading.
I couldn't visualise the husband... maybe some description?
Other thoughts/comments:
I think it's a very good story, but can be made stronger if you write out some delightful details - how did the house look, how did his breakfast smell, how did it feel pulling the trigger at a squirrel who looks at you with curiosity...
My rating:
I rate this item 4 because I believe the potential of the situation, even though well-set, is not fully explored!
I read it in one gulp. It's very well written. From the selection of the topic to the use of the language, I liked it a lot.
The things I loved were the little comments on the wives and husbands. Some of them (e.g. the point when the wives had figured the sequence of the games because the victory meant 10,000 USD -- made me laugh out loud. Great insights!).
I also liked the speed of the action, enriched nicely with insights into what the lady thought and how the games go.
I could feel the tension of the games in your description.
I don't think your language needs much work. There are a couple of adverbs I'd replace with other words, but that's all from my non-native point of view. I actually can learn from you here.
For the improvement, I struggle with what to suggest (is it a real improvement need, or just my cultural difference from the world of your story?)
I honestly struggled with the dynamics of the teams, the paragraphs talking about that seemed very comlex to me. But that's only because I am so far from the American Football, probably.
Mostly I thought a lot about the ending. Two things... One, the story ends predictably, like a thunder after lightning. I knew from the start that the Board's prediction will be true, and that the husband will be humbled... I wonder if a twist is possible.
And two, the last line was charming, but disconnected from the story-line. The piece starts with the kids going for the Ouija Board party, and ends on a memory. Maybe you could link the two, putting the memory into a frame of current reality?
I think this is a great insight into the guy's life. He's so much more human with this. I like him more, - and I feel sorry that he's in this situation.
You continue to blow me away with the intensity of the emotion, and with the quality of your details. I loved things like this:
- "She is not yelling, but I feel like a child before a stern parent. I burn with guilt and insignificance."
- "She has the faint smell of vanilla and I long to hold her."
- "My chest tightens and my throat seems to small to swallow." (should be 'too small'...)
... and many more... superb stuff! Real quality. You do have an observant eye and a way to put things into engaging writing.
I was thinking about a need for improvements in two places:
* Jack's explanation of his motives. I know I said it before in my comments to the first chapter, but this is where I'd work a little. You spell the things out very clearly, and in this instance you give a great insight into his real (I suppose!) mind. But it reads a bit heavy, with him talking uninterrupted for two paragraphs like that. She doesn't appear to be a silent type... maybe she'd express her emotion earlier?
* The love scene. These are the toughest ones to write... I'm not sure I've been able to pull one off yet. Just an observation: at the moment, it reads a bit like a man would describe it - too focused on the body parts and items of clothing Don't get me wrong, this is how I tend to write, too... I think the challenge is to move beyond the mechanics and get into the feel and emotion of the act. You have it towards the end of that scene.
Hope it helps somewhat...
You've completely hooked me now. This scene is a must, in my opinion. I wonder how it'd look as the first scene of the novel - it made me finally care for the man.
Wow - this chapter was even stronger than the first one. You are really doing a great job painting Eddye.
The tension on many levels within the story is masterful. The perspectives continue to build it up. You used the reactions of the body very well to show the transition from control to a fit of madness.
I enjoyed it greatly. Well written, and I can feel the fun you had chosing the words and writing out the scene.
The doctors continue to be a bit flat, but much less so than before, because you are showing more of their emotions, apart from the main ones (fear and scientific interest). But maybe some blurring of their characters is OK because this is how Eddye sees them.
This is an excellent beginning to a novel, I believe. The main character is fascinating.
I liked a lot in the story - the tension, the setting, the unusual perspective of the narrator. I want to know more about him.
I liked the way you painted the meeting. It was very delicately done, with all the narrator's judgements.
Where I'd work a bit further, is the abundance of descriptions in the beginning - it slowed the action somewhat. I understand the need to work the setting, but before my attention was gripped with the dialogue that came later, I didn't care much for the narrator's vision of the setting.
Also, the narrator's speech on his worldview was a bit long. I understood his perspective, but he kept on talking. While it did present him as a guy with obsession - it was still a bit long.
And the last point is on commas... quite a bit of them are missing, which kept distracting my attention But it's easily fixable with a thiriugh edit.
Great Job! I'm hooked, and I'll read the next chapters.
Hi! Coming back to comment on this item that you mentioned in your review of one of my stories
I liked it quite a bit, and I definitely think it's strong.
Your language is solid, and appears professional. I can feel that you've written a lot, and thought a lot about your writing style. The descriptions are vivid and real. Good mix of action, emotion and thought. The dialogue is easy to read, and realistic. Setting is clear from the first lines.
For improvements, I have two suggestions and one observation.
- A plea: could you please make spaces between paragraphs? I lost the thread two or three times, because I was concentrating too much on following the right lines. It just looks too busy on the screen, tough to follow.
- I reads like a part of a larger story, and there is not much of character development. I didn't find myself caring for Ryan. I liked the wounded lady more, because she had some backstory.
- The dream in the middle was a bit confusing... I had to read it twice, and only got it when I moved further down.
Hope it helps - looks like you didn't update the story since 2002... not sure if you want to reflect my input.
Hi Khalish! Returning to re-rate the Writer's Block poem (ID #844479) following the recent changes you made.
I do believe that it became even better than it was.
You'll notice that I've erased my previous rating and gave it a five
It was strong already, and you made it stronger. What can I say? I can't find any improvement suggestions; but then again, I am hardly a poet with my single haiku!
Overall impression
I could definitely associate with your feelings. I've moved so many times around the world that I no longer remember how did the country of my birth look and feel!
Improvement suggestions
1 - The language is a bit on the dry side now. Get rid of such writing!
Example:
"This was often emphasized by the fact that by my third year at Howard University. I had only one pair of close-toed shoes and the rest of my closet contained open-toed sandals that I was determined to wear throughout the year. -- instead, consider something more conversational and emotional: e.g. "Just look at my shoe collection! Who'd have so many open-toed sandals if not a west coast Angelino at heart?"
Another example - , "Yet despite a few changes (major as they were) in climate and culture..." => "Of course the climate is different, and the culture is all wrong, but..."
See what I mean? Hopefully I am making sense...
2 - Dramatize. At the moment, you have an article on your hands about your experience in moving... but if you make it into a story, with sparkling emotions and bright characters, someone may want to publish it and you'll get your message across better.
Here is just my opinion, take it or leave it. I am happy to talk further.
At the moment, the piece is below average, but it certainly has potential to stand above the crowd with some work.
You can strengthen the piece around its core idea - the reality is inside the minds of the people who live in society. At least this is what I understood.
This idea is certainly not new (some famous Russian port-revolutionary authors, e.g. Bulgakov, were playing with it already - take, for example, his phrase of "the chaos is not in the dirty public restrooms, the chaos is inside our heads"), but nevertheless its little explored and it's powerful.
You can create some good stuff around this idea.
For this piece, I would start with plotting. You would need to flesh out the happenings a bit more.
Then I would really take a hard look at the grammar. Frankly, I did not understand anything the first time I read the piece. And I mean, absolutely anything. Something about newspapers. I had to read the story three times to get the idea. You can improve the readability by using more full stops, more commas, etc. It's best to write as we speak, so just read it aloud, slowly - you'll see how to improve. Right now, it reads like the flow of concsiousness.
I would spend a couple of phrases to build the character for us. It's totally cool if he's supposed to be a detached mind (you might want to read "Fiction 2: The Window in My Soul" by revdbob where this was done brilliantly), but you also may choose to make us care a little about this guy's opinion.
Hope this is helpful - and please write on! You hit on a good thought, and that's fundamentally important. You just need to strengthen the execution.
This is a comment for the "WRITER’S BLOCK: A contrast"
Khalish, you mentioned in your note to me that poets are immune to the writers' block I never thought about it, but the idea is certainly intriguing.
Your poem is fresh, and full of humour. I was smiling while reading it. I have no technical comments, nor improvement opportunities. I think it's quite nice, and publishable as is.
It gave me a thought. Maybe you poets don't have writer's blocks because your mind is constantly occupied with tackling very specific challenges around reasonably short pieces? You regularly delight yourself with a new challenge and you don't get bored. Unless, of course, you are writing a novel in verse like Pushkin did.
I personally get stuck in my prose writing after about page 120, as I mentioned in my blog... simply because I can't stand the topic of my book any longer
Ouch, that was a poem that causes pain. It made me hold my breath as I was reading it.
I am thinking quite a lot about maturing and aging and the new perspectives that this process brings us. Your poem rang very close to my heart. I do believe that it strikes exactly the right tone.
The final verse was excellent, I loved it.
I have several thoughts for potential improvements. You understand more in poetry than I do, so please take them or leave them
* I'd remove the opening line - [Past is beautiful, from a distance. We must live in the present.] I think it is a little on the patronizing side, and we do get the point from the poem, anyway.
* I believe the following part is a bit too obvious:
No, though past was beautiful,
It had tribulations too.
I am happy as I am,
Weak and wizened but carefree.
This is the transition verse of the poem... I wonder if you could make it softer, maybe a hint rather than a statement.
Overall, I loved the poem's depth, and it definitely made me think of my own future.
This one is bright and cheerful - and it has much more insight than 'Marvin' (on comparison!). It has a lot of 'teenagery' energy in it, and I liked that a lot.
It was a pleasure to read. It still needs some work - e.g. on similes (is it the right word???) and some typos here and there (like 'will' instead of 'would').
By similes I mean things like "the listener would fall asleep already" which is a bit beaten.
By the way -- "I can’t help being noisy. Maybe it’s in my genes. Maybe I inherited it from the people who actually gave birth to me." is brilliant in the context of the chapter!
This piece has touched me deeply, and it made me think.
I can feel a lot of life experience, based on observation and reflection, behind the words of your story.
The concept of threads is powerful, and is something I've been attempting to articulate to myself for quite a while now, looking at the life's events. You've done it with great skill for me.
As an improvement suggestion, I wanted to offer you an opinion that the text was not the easiest one to read (that's why I am giving a less than 'perfect' rating). However, when I went through it sentence by sentence, I was not able to find specific places to change so that the understanding is further facilitated.
Maybe shorter paragraphs and elimination of the need for semi-colons would do the job? I am at a loss!
Hello Harry, that was an interesting story to read.
I was drawn into it by the beginning, which was done in a nice classic style, with soft humour.
I liked the mixture of the 'fantasy' and modern languages. It was quite funny in places.
I also liked the ending: it's cool that Bob did not get his reward.
I think the turn with the lawers was a nice punch.
I loved the naming of the sword, and overall the choice of the names.
The plot was overall quite tight, and moved along nicely.
For the improvement opportunities, may I suggest several things:
- Develop Bob and Stephen a bit deeper. At the moment, they have a bit of a wooden feel to them. I would love to see what made him begin his travels? Maybe a couple of funny anecdotes on how he was slapped by the love of his life for his inability to satisfy her in bed, or how his mother stuck a chilli in his eye for stealing a chicken (and so he left the family) would add to my feeling closer to him.
- I would remove the adverbs (sorry!). In the example "He proceeded slowly, gingerly..." you could probably say "He proceeded with all caution he could master while carrying Bruce and controlling his heart that was beating inside his mouth..." I know it's not a perfect replacement, but just an example...
- I would elaborate on the ending a bit... it reads a bit short to me. Bob just accepts his fate. He can snap into a witty dialogue or a funny fight at this point, for example.
- I would shorten Bob's first dialogue with Stephen, maybe simply by cutting out a few sentences.
- Because Bruce will now be a sort of a character, I would give him some personality, too... e.g. how he shone in Bob's strong hand, how he reponded to the push, etc.
Overall, it was a good pleasure to read and review this story.
Thank you for writing it!!! I will look forward to reading more of your tales
Sasha.
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Saw a public review on it and was draw in but what I saw there. 
and you'll get your message across better.