This is a very interesting, intense story. I really enjoyed reading it. I actually made it into a word document and made little comments throughout. If you'd like, I could email that to you. Just reply to this review and let me know. For now, I can just tell you the overall suggestions I have.
You are very detailed and while that is important, there's sometimes too much detail in the story.
This part is one example of it:
"So instead I sit down on the couch. I set a newspaper on a table next to my couch. The television remote won’t respond. I have to get up to turn on the TV. The news comes on. And it has the typical information."
When there's too much extraneous information, it causes the reader to lose focus and they'll end up skimming or even stopping, both of which are obviously bad.
I would just suggest combining sentences that could easily be combined and, though you should be detailed, try to add only the details needed for the reader to fully imagine the story clearly in his or her head.
I didn't find many spelling errors and you have a gift for dialogue. The only thing I would suggest as far as that is to start a new line every time another person begins speaking. You do this the majority of the time, but it was occasionally left out.
All in all, this is a wonderful and very interesting story with a chilling message. Thank you very much for sharing and keep writing! :]
Aw, what an adorable, heart felt poem! I really enjoyed this one in particular. It made me smile, even when the author was illustrating his insecurity. It really is lovely- just like the description. :]
This is a very passionate and interesting poem. I really enjoyed reading it a lot. I love it when poetry makes the reader feel exactly what the writer is feeling when he or she writes it. That's what makes it good poetry. :]
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