I was not expecting to read something like this at all, especially because it oozes such honesty. I can not even begin to imagine what it was like for you, But the fact that you have used that time of your life so productively is amazing.
I would also like to thank you , as my Brother in law will be going to jail for a driving offence and could have up to 3 months in there. He is a very smart young man, but his talents are wasted. I am going to make sure he reads this story of yours and hopefully finds some inspiration/motivation from it.
Well Done and Thanks again !
This was wonderful, it was almost like a picture book unfolding before me, well it had my imagination unfolding any way :) I think you have a great talent and I can only aspire to write with such grace.
Well done, I look forward to reading more of your work !
I am presuming you wrote this for a contest? Either way I think the idea was very clever, and your style made me feel like i was watching a live auction . The only thing I can say, and I hope you don’t mind is that I thought the ending was a little bland. I was expecting something bigger, or at least described in a way that was more intense. But other than that well done great piece !
This was a nice easy read, and the tone was good, as if your character is just having a casual chat with the reader.
In my opinion, I thought you spent a little too much time contradicting the so called vampire myths, perhaps in its place (for character development) you could have described a pinnacle moment or just a memorable one for eg: his first solo kill .... I had a great picture of who he was before he turned, but not too clear after.
There are a few little mistakes which I picked up on , but nothing massive.
For example, your opening line:
My name is Darren Sims and I’m what most people would call me a simple, ordinary guy.
I think this line would read more smoothly if you took away the “ME”
Maybe have another read through your piece, I always find if I come back a few days later, I pick up on the little bitsy things I missed before.
Good luck in the contest, I think you did very well and I do hope you will write more on Chandra I thought she was very intriguing!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your mother was an amazing lady. I enjoyed the simplicity and raw honesty of your poem. It made me think of my own mom and all the reasons I love her so much. She may not be with you right now, but at least you can keep those special memories you have of her alive in your writing.
This may be the most interesting piece I have read about a box of chocolates. That well written that I could taste each chocolate she placed in her mouth, triggering my own associated memories. Well done, my only complaint is the nagging craving I now have which my hips will regret later :)
I have to admit that poetry has never been a favourite of mine, and I am very fussy to the few pieces I do favour, but I did find this very touching perhaps because I have begun reading some of the Lisa Lansing series .. it has made it all the more emotional.
This is such a sweet poem, very touching and very real.If only we could all put instructions like that on our heart for all to see , it would make things a little easier.
Any way just thought i would say Well done , it really is a lovely piece!
Hi There, I really enjoyed this piece.
Your style of writing helped set the tone, and I was eager to read on by the second line. One thing I think it lacked, was developing a more specific picture of Barlow, yes he is an old vampire , but I have no idea whether or not his body is young or old, I battled to form a mental picture of him ?? I think if you had developed him a bit more, the ending would have a greater effect on your readers… make it more emotional. I also thought that Barlow gave into despair rather quickly, he did not seem to defy or argue with “Vlad” although it appeared that he had been performing these practices for many years ??
This is only my opinion as one reader … and I really did enjoy it ! It was believable and not too cliché’
I look forward to reading more of your work.
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