Wow, a nice poem that really rounds itself out. I like how you really expressed the feeling, the emotion, the though in just 28 words. A great idea and great excecution. Love it keep writing, and I will keep reading from your stuff.
I really like the poem - it's nice and the vocabulary is rich. I actually enjoyed reading it, and I think it enriched my writing a little.
Only thing I would touch on, is the very last line.. I don't understand why no dreams would come true? Or are we talking about nightmares?
Anyways creative and great poem! Love it!
Cute little poem, and I'd hate to pick anything apart - and for the most part, I can't. It's a very cute and simple poem that still reflects the pain and or grieving you will suffer when they leave. The only thing I would change is the last line, as it seems almost like you're saying that they won't be girls or boys - emphasize what they won't be, what they are now.
Wow! Interesting, descriptive poem that really catches my attention.
I'd love to see more of this, perhaps more from you. I will definitely check out your portfolio.
One thing I'd like to point out it the spelling of soul and sole. Sole is on the bottom of a shoe, soul is within a person.
Keep writing!
Nice poem, but I find the line structure has just got to be revised.
Not a lot of this kind of stuff is structured, I understand, but right now it is a mess, line wise. I've tried to say it out loud and it confused me.
Otherwise a great poem and love the line
Now it isn’t the sorries but a body in the sack
-- too much Red has turned everything to Black.
Firstly, I understood that this story was about Jade's career in the big city? Why are we talking about moose? Then later, I inference that they are in a town, hence townsfolk. Also, one cannot be a /piece/ of townsfolk.
The story just kind of... drifts off into twists that make no sense.
I see your judgemental eyes piercing my face - Sounds almost like a narrative, as if you are creating a narrative story. Somehow it sticks out in the poem, not exactly in the best way.
I am falling at an absurd pace - Though the poem is great, this doesn't sound like an ending. It's a great poem and after this, it just begs for more. Perhaps add another few lines to make a satisfying conclusion!
I really like this piece, or this script, actually, and I found that I actually connected to it, as in the characters. I found myself imagining how Sarah felt, and that's hard when you're writing a script, especially without any actors. The only thing that slightly bothered me was the whole climax. I think you should remove the clue, ' It was the day before Christmas break; a Christmas they would never see. " It just makes it too predictable and gives away the shock of the moment. Make it more abrupt, all of a sudden when there is peace.
Have the gunshots ring out not immediately after the kiss. Take a while... slow it down. It feels like the kiss /ends/ the story, and then there's just the shooting left. Have them spend a few hours together, make it seem like the story continues. Then have the shooting - it signifies just how a life - or story - can be cut short by violence.
Good work!
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