I do love a good vampire story and I think this could be good if it were cleaned up quite a bit. I believe if you go back through, read the story aloud and check each sentence one at a time, much of it will be caught by you without it having to be pointed out.
As a side note, I would love to read an edited version of this story, so if you go through and do an edit, please let me know.
This was a very well written story with no mistakes that I could see. I was immediately pulled into the story. The ending was chilling and a total shock.
I think there could be some improvement to sentence structure, still needs some polishing. Though some people don't like stories beginning with a dream sequence, I rather enjoyed it. Your story pulled me in enough to make me want to read more. I think this would appeal to teens, the character being one they could identify with. After some polishing, I would recommend it.
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