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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of A Life Unlived  
Review by Graham James
Rated: E | (3.5)
about the plot in order to determine whether it is a short story or simply fiction: there is an interesting idea behind it (as i spend most of my time with my thoughts) and there is a nice twist in the end with the double meaning of the last few sentences, yet i felt that the plot could do with a little more development. this is a nice plot but you could expand it a bit more. so, it seemed more like a flash fiction bordering on a short story.
i personally liked the language as i am in favor of descriptive writing. i like detailed descriptions of a situation so i can picture it and you did well.
the character gave a glimpse of what it could have been had you processed more of him/her in the story. i think it could have been nice.
all in all, it was nice and showed potential. you asked for honest and here it was. i hope it was helpful.
best wishes
2
2
Review of As It Rises  
Review by Graham James
Rated: E | (3.5)
a nice story. i liked it.
the language was serene and interesting. i especially liked your descriptions of nature. the main character, Suzume, has the features of a good protagonist; morally charged (i assume), deeply flawed, yet wields a superpower. and, the two friends seem to be enough as her sidekicks.
the plot is interesting and promising. the main character receives the attention needed to be developed. the deer and the birds, although a bit unseemly, are good foreshadowing of what is about to come.
the dialogues are standard and they work structurally. their main role seems to be a buffering from one description to the next.
a few suggestions;
i noticed that the first half of the story employs present tense while the second half past. i thought it would be better to keep the unity of tense throughout the story, or maybe that has a significance i didn't get.
the side characters could easily been just about anybody rather than her friends. they are alright but not significant enough as close friends.
the plot, although nice, but it seems unfinished. maybe i might have been your intention to leave it unfinished, but even by the standards of modernism and post-modernism, it is unfinished. it feels like abandoning a superhero movie just as the hero discovers his superpower.
in the end, i liked the story as a piece of literature and i hope you keep moving forward.
best wishes
3
3
Review by Graham James
Rated: E | (3.5)
the plot of the story is about a husband awaiting his wife and daughter, who has a heart condition, at a train station. (or maybe he is reliving those moments in his mind) however, the plot is promising.
the language of the story is simple, although a bit dry and almost bereft of imagery, yet the social atmosphere of day-to-day life persists within the text and gives a nice and easy feeling.
also, the language needs to be pruned and rounded up a bit, for example; "My legs began to bobble for I waited 10 years and am still to hear from my family", creates ambiguity (and not the good kind) and makes it difficult for the reader to quite catch your intended meaning.
your text as whole, although shows the promise of quality, seems to lack a bit when it comes to structural unity. attention is also needed when working over punctuation marks.
in the end, you seems to understand what makes the stuff good stories, you simply need to be on the right path and improve.
i hope you continue down this path and keep moving forward.
best wishes.
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