Hilarious!! I love this piece. The ending surprised me. I read rapidly trying to figure out what was 'this thing". You certainly had me in suspense. Only after I finished reading did I understand who "The Big Guy' might be!
No improvements that I can think of besides proof reading.
This is a great beginning for a murder mystery. I enjoyed reading the dialogue. It flows naturally and gives me a feel for your characters.
I am new to the world of writing so I'll only make a couple comments.
1.) Must spell check. I'm sure most reviewers put a lot of effort into seriously trying submit a helpful review. A little effort on your part to proof read for the many typos would show a mutual respect for the process.
2.) I have been reading a lot about how to involve the reader in the story by reducing narrative and increasing action. Her are a few examples taken from your piece.
"Okay then sweetie," Harrison Zucarro said, as he spun the dial on the safe door. "I will be there in about 20 minutes. I'm almost done closing up the hotel."
"Fine, Uncle Harry,". Cherie chirped, tossing her fine blond hair. You are already 45 minutes late, so hurry it along already,"
Harrison surveyed his hotel possessively before heading out the main doors. "I promised I'd be your culinary guinea pig, so I'll be there soon."
"I'll see you soon. Can't wait to try your dinner."
"Just to warn you, it's already cold," Blue eyes sparkling humorously, she set the oven to 'warm'.
I hope this review helps you as much as writing it has helped me. I enjoyed reviewing this writing.
I hope this review helps you as much as writing it has helped me. Here are a few comments in no particular order.
1.) The first thing I noticed was the repetition of the word [i]advice[/i]. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as the word seems to encompasses the gist of this piece. I would actually consider repeating the word occasionally during the conversation with Sam Green and towards the end of the essay when you meet your old buddy on the street.
2.) Show, don't tell. I've recently been reading about the art of [i]showing[/i] the story instead of plodding through the [i]telling[/i] of it. I'll try to give some decent examples. I'm quite new to this myself.
a.) He drove a brand new gold colored Lincoln, had an office in the penthouse of our tallest building and he frequented all the best restaurants and bars.
As I was riding up the elevator, I recalled an article I had read about Sam Green. The interview took place in his luxurious penthouse apartment.
Newbie to the world of writing.
greenbelt
P.S. Sorry I am interrupted and will continue in a few moments.
I love the twist in this story. A good plot showing how two totally different characters committed the same crime. Three improvements would make this a great story. First, the suspense needs to be set up in the first paragraph. Perhaps let the reader 'see' the blood dripping from a car in the parking lot. Who is the killer? Second, I feel that the characters need more development to draw the reader and to answer questions of motivation and emotion. Lastly, there are some grammatical errors and such that are distracting.
Firstly, I find Jack's stammering very annoying to read. If he must stammer, limit the stammering just enough to establish the handicap Why does this character stammer? Start with a physical description to show his ugliness and to convey the nervous, insecure and nerdy personality of Jack's character. He could crack his knuckles or chew his nails. Why is Jack lonely? Why does he seek company? Perhaps his mind is burdened (with guilt) and he needs to talk to someone. Perhaps he is horrified by what he has done and seeks human comfort. Without giving the twist away these emotions could be communicated to the reader. To improve the flow of action between the first two paragraphs, Jack could look around for someone else to talk to after being rebuffed by Diane
Diane, the waitress could also be described physically. Perhaps she is very beautiful which intimidates Jack and makes Vincent even more resentful. Why is she unfriendly? Is she busy filing her nails or talking to her boyfriend on the phone? Does she have diarrhea and therefore rushes to the bathroom? She could come over to the table to flirt with the handsome boxer Vincent while ignoring the ugly Jack. This action could be used as a foil to show up the differences between Jack's and Vincent's interaction with women
Vincent's personality seems ambiguous. First he doesn't want any company, then he volunteers personal information. Ugly Jack certainly doesn't have the social skills to warm up an unfriendly, sullen person. Maybe Vincent is a protective type of person and decides that Jack needs to be taken under his protection. After all Vincent really wanted to be a father.
Over all a great start. This piece has great bones, just needs fleshing out. Keep asking yourself 'why'. Why does the character say this or why does he do that? Can't wait to read the next draft of this piece!!
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