What a fun story - so vividly worded, it feels as if I experienced it first hand!
The only suggestion I could even offer would be to reword your description to remove the word "hilarious" - not because it is untrue, but because there are those on this site who might not give you the chance to prove it.
You could still mention "humor in the barracks" or some such thing, to indicate this isn't a drama, but claiming your piece to be hilarious will predispose a hard-core critic to either settle into the literary equivalent of a heckler's role before reading your piece ("ok. make me laugh, hilarious boy.") or they might skip reading altogether, on the assumption that you are one of the newbies who claim their story to be hilarious, just because "mom laughed when she heard about it".
The only reason I bring up such a nitpicky little thing is that it would be a shame for anyone to miss out on reading this - it's great!
Hm. Colorful and engaging story that I found gripping. Yet it left me feeling unfulfilled.
You managed to make me care about every character in this story - even Bruce. As a reader, I wanted to know what led Bruce to this point in his life. It left me feeling ironically hostile to have no information about what could possibly have led to this outpouring of events.
I would recommend adding some backstory to this piece - you can work it in with his musings as he goes about his "business". You wouldn't need to give an entire narrative about every little detail, but without at least a tiny bit of elucidation about why Bruce has this condition and why he reacts as he does, the story feels empty and incomplete. Which is a shame, because it is so well crafted otherwise.
I had to keep reading your work because your titles and folder names are just so engaging - and I was well rewarded with my very next read.
This may just be the most romantic story I've ever read. Thank you for keeping the gooey heart-dotting-the-i language to a minimum. You build great tension and the story has the perfect resolution - thanks for the picture at the end as well. Not usually a fan for photos that might shatter the mental image I've created for myself, I found it very effective in this case. Sort of provides a visual epilogue.
I have no constructive suggestions to offer, so I'll just post this review to encourage other readers to visit your portfolio.
HEY EVERYBODY!!!
READ THIS FOR A FEEL-GOOD MOMENT IN YOUR DAY!!!
Whoa! The word that slammed into my head as I read this was... BLATT...and I don't think that's a real word, but there it was all the same.
This left me feeling like four different TV dramas washed over me simultaneously, with no commercial break to help me get my bearings.
You have an engaging writing style and you've set some vivid scenes. Be careful not to overwhelm your reader with abrupt transitions that introduce new characters but add nothing to the plot. As a reader, I want to be rewarded for "reading on" or I will tire of the pursuit.
I think you've already received the advice to add action earlier, so consider this a second to the motion.
There is a forward-moving momentum to your writing which made this read very quickly, and I do believe this novel is worth pursuing. I would encourage you to slow it down and flesh it out. Maybe narrow the perspective so you're not trying to tell the story from every single character's point of view; help the reader know who to care about.
One other critical consideration when you get to the editing stage: be sure to fix grammar and spelling errors - ask someone to read it through specifically to spot these for you. Clean it up as much as possible so mistakes don't mar your style.
Don't give up on this - I want to find out how and why the wife is in the coma - and why it matters!
You establish an unusual scene where things are not quite right early on. Several times during the ensuing story, you write "he sensed that something was unusual" - or some variation on that theme, but always using the words "sensed" and "unusual". Besides being repetitive, it's sort of a disconcerting statement by that point, which makes the character sound a bit addled.
(As I was reading, every time he "sensed something was unusual", the sarcastic snot in me grumbled "No kidding! There aren't any PEOPLE, Sherlock!". When the sarcastic snot comes out, it spoils my empathy for your character and distracts me from the point you're really trying to make. I hate when that happens. - And she really is snotty, don't you think?)
Try removing every instance of this phrase, and if some section demands an explanation that he senses something off, be sure to acknowledge that he's sensing something beyond the obvious which has already been mentioned. Acknowledge that he realizes the no people thing is strange enough on its own.
Suggestion/Example: "Ok, there were no people around, but there was something else that was not quite right about this place. He scanned the room, but couldn't put his finger on it."
OR: "It all looked normal - just as you'd expect, if you weren't expecting any fellow human beings. But there was something else that was just...wrong about the place."
PS - I loved the sandwich scene! Tipped your hat a little with the stack of money, but still a great premise!
I, too, would prefer to read this as a short story because I found the format distracting. The few rhyming moments felt forced or cobbled and did not enhance the tale.
More distracting are spelling errors and other little technical glitches that detract from the experience of reading this. These are peppered throughout the piece, so it would be great if you could go through with spellcheck and have someone double check your grammar.
This piece is very much worth the effort to polish and fine tune it. I love the section titles; they have great impact.
The premise and storytelling are first rate; I give them a 5+! But the technical aspects won't allow me to give the item itself an overall 5...just yet.
Please let me know if you get a chance to finesse this some more - I'd love to read it again. I'm sending this to the public review forum in the hope that you will get more readership and additional suggestions to make this even better than it already is.
"But we should charge if you choose not to spell check it... don't ya think?"
Hey - now you're on to something! (GPGP = Gift Point Grammar Penalty. Think about it!)
But seriously...
As a single mom who has neither the time, resources, or energy to make it to a writer's workshop after putting in 12 hours at my day job, I'd like to express my thanks to everyone at Writing.com who takes the time to create the forums, review the writing, and offer their own work for examination.
An even heartier "thank you" to those who created and maintain this community in the first place!
Anybody who is unhappy with something they get for free obviously never heard the adage "you get what you pay for". In this case, you get so much MORE.
I enjoyed this article and agree with many of your comments. This is a great advice resource for anybody new to writing.com.
I'd like to offer a counter argument in favor of double posting a title, however.
There are some pieces (in my case, it's usually poetry) for which the title plays an intrinsic role in the telling of a story. When the title serves as more than just a moniker, I find double posting an effective device.
For me, it's a matter of readability based on the GUI of this website. Because the title for an opened item is separated from the content by color, space, and statistical information about the piece, without a double title post, it remains an entity not incorporated into the work itself.
Once the title has caught my attention enough for me to open an item, I not only don't re-read the title, I sometimes don't even remember what it is after I've read the piece. Because I expect most people who read my work will be similar to me, I format my postings in such a way that somebody like me would best grasp my intentions.
I suppose if it discourages readership or causes someone to determine, based on a double title alone, that I am an amateur writer, that's something I'm willing to accept.
Remember, though (even if somebody does double post a title just out of ignorance and not for a reason): a newbie to the website is not necessarily new to the practice of writing. I would encourage all readers to be careful not to let nitpicky biases deprive them of an otherwise entertaining read.
Thanks again for your thought provoking and educational article!
Creepy, Intriguingly WONDERFUL premise! Although this works just fine as-is, I personally want to read more about this world you've created. So for selfish reasons, I want you to keep working on this and maybe make additional installments.
Only technical suggestion I would offer is to put a space between paragraphs for the sake of readability.
Please email me if you revise and/or add more to this story - I really enjoyed it!
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