I liked Bumble Boy very much; it was a lovely smooth read. It also felt incredibly real. I heard these characters speaking. On a deeper level, the two boys, Irish twins, (I hadn't heard that term before) are like light and shadow, two halves of a whole. I'm not sure if you considered playing with some kind of metaphor. I didn't notice any but I only read your story once - I apologize if you have done something and I missed it.
What I think would elevate this story to an even higher level would be to go back in and take some of the tell and show it instead. One example would be when we learn that Bobby is jealous of the attention that Mother is giving to Jonathon's playing, how does Jonathon have this realization - what happened - and could we have it with him? It's a really nice insight and helps to make Bobby more human. You do a great job of NOT making Bobby a monster, he's just trying to survive in that household.
Jonathon dips slightly into self pity at the end, I think this could be remedied easily with eliminating some of the inner dialogue he has in the hospital. Perhaps...the ending. Just a thought, I wonder, instead of hearing the inner voice of Jonathon telling us he will never play the piano again, if instead we saw something like: the piano carried out and Jonathon's lack of reaction, it might be a more active ending for the audience. Allow them to figure out that he will no longer play and that it is his choice to sell the piano or just to passively let it go.
Just some thoughts, but as I said, I really enjoyed your story as it is and loved your voice. Great work!
Thank you,
Dust
E the B,
Interesting, captivating, disturbing, surprising, intriguing, challenging did I say Interesting? Yes, definitely interesting. Beautifully dark, I enjoyed this, it was a ride. Layer upon layer upon layer. Jacob's Ladder does Christmas.
The only feedback I have is after Mary comes downstairs, it feels like too many things happen to her and she comes across as a bit of a victim. Dog pee, she pees, the chandelier falls (of course, her falling on the kid works well). Just a thought, could there be a moment that we think things might be okay and then it all falls apart?
Regardless, it was a treat and great fun!
My best, Dust
Armin,
I love this story! You have a great voice and so much lovely, lovely detail. The Mother is fabulous.
Some of my favorite moments: The description of the family picture on the wall, the daycare worker shoving Zachary into Mother's arms without a word, the Mother staring at Zachary asking him "why, why did you do this..." .
What are you thinking of doing with the story? I know you said that the story is true. It would make a great novel. Watching Zachary grow up (I love that Zachary means sugar and he's not the least bit sweet) from your characters point of view would be an incredibly moving and heart wrenching story.
If you want to leave it as a short story, I would flesh out the story a little more and reconsider the ending. A suggestion might be to take the story further in time, it would work to end when you and Zachary part company - when you move away because of the divorce or some other definitive moment of separation.
It could use a good grammar and spelling edit.
I must stress how much I enjoyed reading this.
I hope you consider doing more with the story.
My best, Dust
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/haiku
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 3:57am on May 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
