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26
26
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

This is a sweet story but because it comes from real life a lot is left unexplained - who Kimi is, for example and why Dad has her pets, how old Emily is etc. The dialogue is great but I felt there could be a bit more setting of the scene! I really liked the detail about the pet crabs and the image of everyone waiting for Emily to come back at the end.

A couple of editing points:

my fiance's - fiancee's

neighbor's, who had a tendency - neighbours, who had

Best wishes,

Hallgerd

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27
27
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

This is a great poem, full of humour and invention. I love the way you leave readers to fill in the backstory however they like. It's quite a terse poem and understated, which I like a lot. The last verse is great.


Best wishes,

Hallgerd

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28
28
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi,

This is a great folder of poems and I recommend it to anyone who reads this review. Every one of them is excellent - check out the ratings they've been given! - and I particularly enjoyed Samhuin Night and Two Poems. The advice in the folder is great too!

Best wishes,
Hallgerd


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29
29
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,

In the first poem I particularly like the lines about people being afraid 'to look up'. Some of the imagery is very good - the stars as sparklers, for example and the link with maypole dancers. This line read a little oddly to me: "on the rust-brown dirt and the color of toenails." I assume the dirt is meant to be this colour but it reads as if it is a separate thing from it, 'on the dirt rust-brown and the colour of toenails' would read better for me.

I like the second poem too - the planets as fish in dark water is wonderful. "while undulating zeal" is a bit strange though - 'undulating' comes across (to me anyway) as an adjective.

Inspiring subject matter!

Best wishes,
Hallgerd

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30
30
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,

In the first poem I particularly like the lines about people being afraid 'to look up'. Some of the imagery is very good - the stars as sparklers, for example and the link with maypole dancers. This line read a little oddly to me: "on the rust-brown dirt and the color of toenails." I assume the dirt is meant to be this colour but it reads as if it is a separate thing from it, 'on the dirt rust-brown and the colour of toenails' would read better for me.

I like the second poem too - the planets as fish in dark water is wonderful. "while undulating zeal" is a bit strange though - 'undulating' comes across (to me anyway) as an adjective.

Inspiring subject matter!

Best wishes,
Hallgerd

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31
31
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

I love the image of the sea lion in this poem - it's unusual and it sums up the isolation of one life from another very well. I particularly liked the end of this poem, with the lines about surf/tears and openness and vulnerability which work very well indeed.

Why the big gap between the title and the text? It looks as if there is an image or a verse missing.

Best wishes,
Hallgerd

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32
32
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

This is a great little story with a very good last line. I like the unusal way you present the tooth fairy and the decription of the sandwich is great. I wondered if it would be nice to have the popcorn sugary so that the fairy can feel guiltily thrilled by the smell of it - she knows she shouldn't but...!

A couple of editing points:
The wisps of the popcorn smell hit her - this reads a little strangely. Perhaps 'wisps of the smell of popcorn' or 'wisps of popcorn smell'.

the tooth . - lose the gap!

Best wishes,

Hallgerd

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33
33
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
I read this and loved it and wondered why I preferred it to your Samhuin Night poem and I realised that it's because this poem has such a strong structure whereas the other, though packed with interesting images, doesn't. I love the neatness of this poem that holds together a sense of mystery, wild privacy or independence as well as having some absolutely wonderful lines about life within society. I think the lines 'assorted worms of language' and 'assorted worms of graphs' are just excellent.

best wishes,
Hallgerd

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34
34
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,

This is a very exciting story and I look forward to reading more. You build up a very interesting world here - I loved the descriptions of strange animals and the temple was wonderful. The monsters are very chilling - what do they want?

Editing points:

they walked through an overgrowth path. - overgrown

Two of them sulked while the younger boy...The two of them were older then the boy before them, - you don't need both of these sentences and it would be worth giving the boys' ages. I expected them all to be about 11 but then the youngest is 16!

“…we’re not signin’ up - "We're...

son won’t…” ...?

They’re monsters Laharem, monsters!” - monsters, Laharem. Monsters!"

ever more hostel - hostile

And two hallow eyes - hollow

their clambering voices were gone, and now they whispered on as they went. - clamoring...whispered as they went.

turned to a ghost story - into a ghost story

cept’ the spine - 'cept

now loosing its saving grace - losing

But something stuck out, “hey Tetcha, - "Hey, Tetcha

to hear each other breath. His eyes shook and shifted from side to side until finally locking onto Larhami’s.
- Either "to hear each other breathe" or "to hear each other's breath. I don't think you need his eyes to both 'shake' and 'shift from side to side'. Aren't they much the same movement?

likes its playing with you - like

They now realized a shadow in the path. - realized there was a shadow...

branches grinded under what ever it was. - ground...whatever it was

only a stones throw away - stone's throw

scared I was. - I was?

their faces still drown out in shock. - drawn

‘they’re never gonna understand.’ - They're

he trailed off, looking back at his feet. - He trailed off...

beyond its boarders laid the village of Isaiah - borders lay the village

but riches seemed to lie in the valley below the mountain ring. - I'm not sure what you mean by 'lie' here.

the wealth bellow - below

sort of speak - so to speak

with a casual bye - casual 'bye'

the comook's head and then he tunred - sometimes you write "Comook" and sometimes "comook", also 'turned'

Roots from the spouted out from the clear water - there's something missing from this sentence!

the cities bellow and - below

“…all it will be ok.” - It will be OK

reciting passage and such. - passages and such.

“And great white arms, to which it drags about on,”
- this sentence makes no sense!

a stones throw away - stone's throw

“Ok, alright, ok,” - all right

Best wishes,
Hallgerd

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35
35
Review of The way to spring  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,
This is a very sweet little story about finding spring. I very much enjoyed reading it and loved the ending. I was surprised when I re-read the tagline though that the characters are a horse and a hedgehog. You don't mention this at all in the story! If it's important that that's what they are, it is worth mentioning it. If the story works without them being these animals, perhaps they don't need to be animals at all.

I very much liked the flowers in this story and the way they have a hidden magic that the characters aren't fully aware of.

Just one editing point -
"A bridge??" - only needs one '?'

Best wishes,
Hallgerd

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36
36
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

This is a marvellously inventive, imaginative story but one that needs a lot of work. I have picked out as many editing points as I could for you - I hope you find them useful. Overall the strength of this piece is the vividness of each scene. The smoke totem pole and the black snow in particular are wonderful.

It would be good to have a sense of the children's ages, particularly as you hint a couple of times at a growing affection - even romantic attatchment between the two children. Their characters are not very developed yet and need drawing out.

Editing points:

It’s back arched - its

soft frigid clouds. – 'frigid' is the opposite of 'soft'

that where his eyes – were

…but, I can’t remember what it was. – who is the 'I' character here?

Many where hurt – were

they where all silent. – were

blood hit the broadcast camera - Blood hit...

the raising sun. – rising

The panicking people didn’t even realize her, - realise she was there?

The wing flipped and lifted and carried the girl. Although she never awoke. – Maybe get rid of the 'although'. You don't need it.

but those who stayed were drained of their flare - what do you mean here by 'flare'?

cold aching felling. – feeling

An occasional white cloud would pass by fast. – ...cloud passed by fast

it made her cheeks ever so red and blush. – it made her cheeks blush.

The ground bellow her was – below

and pulled at her to lower. – what do you mean here?

the others waist, just incase. – other's waist, just in case.

My names Anna – name's

‘mom…’ – Mom

“Anna, your names nice too.” - name's

they where real. – were

was abit to much – a bit too much

“Hey, what do you thinks bellow us?” – think's below


Bellow them was all the colors bright and strong – below

on its back where two blurs. – were

but its there.” – it's

each others arms watching the wale like - each other's arms, watching the whale –like

Their mouths had dropped little too, - dropped open a little too

It was quite up there – quiet


“Come on” he said “lets go check it out. – "Come on," he said. "Let's go check it out.

Now the world bellow – below

I think I saw a tear go down Anna’s face then. – who is the 'I' character here? You need to make this clear.

The mans palms – man's

mans back - man's

Almost immediately though they sprung forward – sprang

What was in the hands - hand

it giggled and pulled. - It giggled...

became a women. The women - woman. The woman

over her back an the other over her hand. - and

He gave on last look – one

“we’re heading straight for it!” he yelled “no, no turn back you crazy bird, turn back.” - We....yelled. "No...

A resonance appeared on my footstep. - Resonance is related to sound not light.

I held it like a baby, cradling almost. – cradling it almost

“so, how long will she sleep then?”
“how long? Oh, oh is this that time thing?”
“time thing?” I asked back.
“yah, the human game – In all of these you need to capitalise the start of the sentences.

it’s alright. – all right

In the mean time, – meantime

“its just hard to find it right now, - It's

“stupid bird, – Stupid

penguin’s fins where on my cheeks now, “the darkness is no place to be bumplin’ about.”
penguin’s fins were on my cheeks now. “The darkness is no place to be bumplin’ about.”

“get up, my spot, – Get

its my first time – It's

“oh, I’m sorry then. – Oh

“why are we going…somewhere new…”
“because there is no longer the place from before. My home and your home are gone now.”
“what?” – Capitalise starts of sentences.

the old tress – trees


“listen here bird. – Listen here, bird.

“now stop playing - Now

you’re family has made. - your

He stood “now let us part. - He stood. "Now let us part.

“well, I found it. – Well

the clouds are about to break – The clouds...

We held. – to what?

Like transforming or braking apart. - breaking

and Anna had departed hands – let go of each other's hand

“wha?” - Wha?

The other children too sat up. – Who are these other children – you haven't mentioned them before.

Best wishes,

Hallgerd
37
37
Review of Longing Memories  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,
An intriguing story - and a true one, I assume. There are some wonderful moments in this story that make it come alive, for example, the detail of the glass that smells of plum brandy, the detail of Teodore's belt, Florea's 'tiny' hands and Boris's hands trembling as he hugs Teodore.

I think the structure of this story could do with some work. The 'frame' for the story is your memories of your grandfather. You already end the story by referring back to this (which is good) but when the story switches to the First and then the Second World War, it would be worth putting in a line or two that makes it clear to the reader that you are drawing these sketches of Teodore's life together to demonstrate his character and why his life was - and still is - important.

Overall, I think it is a piece of work with a LOT of potential but which needs quite a bit of editing to tighten it up and get it sparkling! I think it will be excellent though.

Here are some editing points:

from gunfire during war. during the war

I miss him greatly. You are right to make this a simple, short sentence to emphasise the emotion. I would go further and lose the 'greatly'.

The owner could not afford these for the entire village, and the owner was protected from loosinglosing the dinnerware, as very commonly fights would break out.

in tact intact

he would rub the ends of his moustache between his fingers, curling them as he thought about the story ahead. 'Ends' because you refer to 'them' rather than 'it'.

nobody knew which government was in leadership.I think 'in power' might be better. 'Leadership' is a quality rather than a state of being, I think.

bails of hay. bales

“Tati, Tati, your home”, you're

if the Russian army keep pillaging our village. Everyone is afraid and hiding in their home, especially with all the men away at war”, Florae said.
...keeps...homes...war," Florea said.

the red Russian officer I think, as 'red' refers to his political allegiance, this ought to be 'Red Russian officer'. What do you think?

and it is our only source of life” Teodore addressed the officer in Russian. only source of food," Teodore said to the officer in Russian. I think 'source of life' sounds a bit odd.

“Well I was a prisoner in a camp in Ukraine in the First World War and then transferred to a farm as labour help”, Teodore explained.
“What was the owner’s name of the farm that you worked for”, the officer quickly replied
“Alexandrova Ciora”, Teodore said.
In all of these sentences the comma needs to come before the speech marks, ie. ," not ",

I suggested to Alexandrova to baptise him Boris after her first son who had never returned from war” Teodore replied, war,"

The officer leaned forward and embraced Teodore ruggedly saying, “I am that boy, Boris”.
Boris."

tears welt in his eyes well

Best wishes,
Hallgerd
38
38
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,
I enjoyed this very much. You build up the characters really well - Ellie is very engaging and I hope she gets her policeman in the end! I particularly liked the way she is so delighted with her son's peck on the chhek, only to realise it means she must be being extra-pathetic!

A couple of editing points:

Sighing, I came back with a weak, ”after school, I mean. What do you have planned for after school?” Change the second 'after school' to 'then' to avoid repetition.


”I know, Mom, don’t worry about it. I won’t starve to death, or anything,” grabbing his back pack off of a chair, he added,” I’ll see you later, then. Have a good day at work,” he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and disappeared out the front door. There are problems with the punctuation here. Change to ...or anything." Grabbing... ...at work." He gave me a quick kiss...


Women are stereotypically known for being great multi-taskers, however I have yet to be anything but typical.
I think you want to mean that Ellie is not at all typical but using 'but' here actually means 'except', i.e she is nothing other than typical. I would change this line to "I have yet to be typical in anything I do." or something like that.


Something else which I had yet to master. 'have' rather than 'had', I think.

Great story, let me know when you post more,
Best wishes
Hallgerd
39
39
Review of Leo's Journey  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

This is a beautiful, moving, sad piece of writing. The description of Grampa at breakfast is absolutely excellent. It was completely vivid and captures the moment perfectly. You are very good at the tiny details. I also particuarly liked the lines:

"Lightly, I catch the almost comforting smell of cigarette smoke in the sheets. These are things that bring contentment to my ten year old soul."

Smells are so vivid, aren't they. Losing someone as important as that is terrible and I know what you mean about the awfulness of deterioration. It's very painful to see.

A couple of editing points:
faux wood panelled walls - wood-panelled

The cause of my much anticipated sound. - not sure what sound you mean.

Overall, I think this is a great piece of writing which uses a single moment to sum up a simple yet powerful relationship.

Thanks for filling in my survey, by the way, Daisybug. I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read from your port so far and it was very interesting to learn a bit more about you.

Best wishes,
Hallgerd
40
40
Review of Behind Hazel Eyes  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

The writing here is excellent - very clear and crisp and accurate. You set up an interesting situation - a spoilt rich girl heading into the unknown and you draw the characters well. I liked the scenes you set up, particularly Aurora dumping her boyfriend on speakerphone whilst wrestling with her luggage. And I loved hearing about her 'going poor' - which still seemed to amount to travelling like a princess!

OK - criticisms. I hope these are useful to you and please don't be offended by the, I think you write very well so I am highlighting things that are already very good indeed.

I think you manage to suggest the reasons why Aurora is the way she is quite well. She clearly doesn't get enough quality attention from her father and feels guilty about her mother's death. Her 'flightiness' works - she is looking for a role for herself but because she has so much money she never has the motivation or gets sufficient encouragement to stick with anything. I couldn't entirely understand why she clings to her awful boyfriend though. She is clearly desperate for attention but to be in such a terrible relationship - it didn't quite match with her character. Also - I couldn't figure out why the daughter of a surgeon would need or have bodyguards and a private jet. I'm sure her father earns a lot of money but this seemed excessive.

Great story - I look forward to reading more.
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41
41
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I like this. The idea is a good one and I hope you write more of it. The Cowboy is typically mysterious - more so than the dead girl and I think that works well. I would suggest making more of the girl's dialogue - making her more of an individual so that she contrasts more with the cowboy.

A couple of editing points:
That's alright, - all right
Cowboy: 'Afternoon, sir - lose the '

Best wishes,
Hallgerd
42
42
Review of Willow Wisdom  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
I really like this. I like the subtlety of the main character's development and the authorial silence about the Willow's machinations: way you don't state what it has been doing and why. All the focus is on the King's growing wisdom.

I like the lines from the ministers as well - they are simply put and offer the King no support, which makes it entirely natural for him to ask the willow - and eventually himself. A good device.

Excellent,
Hallgerd
43
43
Review of King Tare  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,
There is so much about this story that is excellent and yet I don't feel that it quite works. Or rather, as well as it should given the quality of the writing. And the quality of the writing is very good! The style is very intelligent and clear (although see below)and sounds very like how a scientist might sum this discovery up.

Flash fiction is a careful balancing of elements, much more like poetry than a normal story. Plot, description, characters, dialogue, back-story or exposition all need to be weighed and measured and an equilibrium established. You have intricate exposition (which all sounds very plausible to a non-scientist like me!) and this leaves very little room for plot or character.

The first line of this story is very compelling - and the last has the potential to be shocking as the reader realises what the scientist has achieved. But because no 'action' joins them - and I have only the slightest impression of who the main player in the story really is - it doesn't impact on the reader.

I am not suggesting that you re-write this, losing all the science in the middle. I think this bit is a selling point as you make it sound very believable. However, I think this would work much better as a short story of perhaps 1000 words, where you can introduce characters and show rather than tell the impact of this discovery.

Also, I remain unclear about what the scientist actually has discovered. At first I thought that he was trying to study the DNA of King Tare's people. Then he seemed to be studying an inorganic biology - possibly made by someone else(?) - which had wiped King Tare's people out millions of years before. I think this needs clearing up.

I'm sorry to have given you an essay rather than a helpful review but I found this story fascinating. If you ever do expand or rework it, let me know. I'd love to see what you do with it.

Best wishes,
Hallgerd
44
44
Review of Mithril  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cliffhanger!!! You should definitely continue with this. I like the tone you use, which is 'high' without being archaic or wordy. The description of the horrors of the wood is good and so is the image of the goddess bathing in the water.

There are a few typos and places where I think you could improve the style or choice of words. First I would suggest rethinking the name of the forest. 'Marigold' doesn't work (for me, anyway) as the name of a monster-haunted forest because it is also the name for a rather cheerful orange flower!

Legend holds tale Legend tells

abnormal powers 'Abnormal' is a very negative word. 'Supernatural' might be better or use a thesaurus to find some exciting word!

For a land to hold such pure waters there were treacherous beasts which lived within the confines of the forest. I understand what you mean here but I think you can express it better. There is a balance of good and evil and you need to make the reason for the contrast clearer.

dead and tormented 'tormented dead' would work well here, I think.

strait-forward straight-forward

As if a by reflex lose the 'a'. Also with the rest of this sentence 'he quickly readied his bow' you can lose the 'quickly' because the 'reflex' already expresses the speed of the movement.

He focused in on lose the 'in'

strange beasts beast's

his saliva oozing from his devastating jaws Usually an animal is an 'it' unless you have established it as a character within the story. I think at this point, this beast is an 'it'.

I very much hope you go on with this. It looks like it will be good!

Best wishes,
Hallgerd
45
45
Review of Quest for the...  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,
nice story. I particularly like the fact that Austin and Nia move onto 'Dance Dance Revolution' - that's a very nice touch.

The idea here and the twist at the end are good but to make the twist really effective I think you need to make the loss of Austin and nia really matter - not just to the narrator but to the reader. Some details of the relationships between the characters - or their computer personae - would help with this, or hints as to previous adventures they have had together.

If you edit this, I'd be delighted to re-read and re-rate.

There are some editing points:
Through he could attack - Though...

But they were so close. - What or who is so close?

'through the fire' I pondered, 'without getting burned?' - 'Through the fire,' I pondered. 'Without getting burned?'

Best wishes, this is a great idea!
hallgerd
46
46
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,
you create a very strong voice for Jo in this story and make it impossible for a reader not to find out what happens to her in the end. You give a very strong sense of Jo's growing pain throughout.

It would have been nice if Jo's snappy, humorous way of thinking (I loved 'like give said dog a bath' etc) was reflected in her way of talking to Landon. Instead she sometimes comes across as a bit weak.

The thing that lets this story down, I'm afraid, is Landon. I think he's horrible (sorry). He comes across as deliberately making Jo suffer for the sake of his grand gesture proposal and when he told her she was a 'silly fool' I thought she was better off without him. To make the reader happier for them at the end of the story I would strongly recommend losing 'silly fool' and subsitute something where he isn't in control, ie. give Jo some power!

Otherwise I think your writing is very good. You tell a good story and build up a realistic world for Jo to live in. I got a strong sense of her life in the office. It would be nice to have some memories of things she has done with Landon - it would also help to make him more sympathetic.

Here are some editing points:
he did.it was obviously way too long. (did. It...)

pick out the ring he's going to ask the girl of his dreams, who so doesn't happen to be you, pledge the rest of her life to him with. (you, to pledge...)

"I'll be there at quarter till," he said. (quarter to)
"Alright." (All right)

no longer a factor.especially of ours (factor, escpecially...)

Best wishes,
Hallgerd

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47
47
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,
I like the final paragraph of this story very much. The idea of being trapped in ice but able to see the world go by is - excuse the pun - chilling!

There are lots of good ideas in this story, lots of marvellous description and interesting encounters but as I read it I couldn't help but wonder who the narrator is and what he or she is doing in the Kingdon under the Ice anyway. I assume the first line is meant to be his reason - his heart's true desire is there - but does he know what form that desire takes - or is he in the dark about this but knows he absolutely has to find it? Also, it clearly isn't his heart's desire to be trapped in ice, so it might be worth addressing the terrible betrayal of - whatever or whoever - told him he would find it there.


I think the anonymity of the main character works well - I don't think you need to add a back story or anthing like that, or even a physical description, but it would be good to know why it is important for him to be there and how he reacts emotionally to the wonders he sees. You are very good at showing physical reactions to things - gasps, running, instincts etc but by the end of the story I still know nothing about the main character. Is he brave, cowardly, does he have a sense of humour etc?

I liked the woman. The flash of malice in her eyes is the one moment of emotion in this story and it stands out wonderfully!

I enjoyed reading this and I hope my comments are useful to you. I have written a lot because I think your story deserves it, and you clearly have a lot of imagination and talent.

Best wishes for 2006.
Hallgerd
48
48
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,
this is absolutely beautiful! I think it is one of the best stories I have read on Writing.com since I discovered it in July and the first fantasy story that I have been able to fall in love with. It has made my day to find this!

The writing is wonderful, very assured, endlessly inventive and vivid and conveys this marvellous calmness which is very unusual in fantasy, I think.
There are too many great lines for me to list but I particularly liked:

"Our world has few great mountains to slow and tire the sky, and so the wind is always blowing."

"Among our people it is dangerous to name the dead; and I have been away so long, I must count all those I once knew as dead. Our goodbyes did not last long. Before the circling suns were high, Irese was a dot behind me; I have not seen it again."

The only times the language jarred with me were in the following lines:

"The Polynesians – is that a word? Were they real?" - you do this better when talking about Nippon. It might be better as 'is that the name?'

'reddish' and 'bluish' - these adjectives seem clumsy in comparison with the other gossamar-delicate descriptions.

I think the ending is lovely too. Congratulations on such an excellent piece of work!
Hallgerd
49
49
Review of Buddy Pederson  
Review by Hallgerd
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Kittie,

This story is one of the most unusual I have read at Writing.com and I hope you will keep going with it.I really like it. I think you have a very strong grasp of how to keep a reader instrigued and the constant repetition of the fact that Buddy Pederson has disappeared is an excellent hook. I want to know what happened to him!!

I like the blend of the relatively ordinary (the nosy neighbour, the school relationships) juxtaposed with the fantastic - disappearances and explosions and the matter of fact, slightly detached tone is perfect.

I have rated this story as a 3.5 because I think it needs quite a lot of editing and it doesn't seem finished (I'm assuming it's a work in progress). In terms of some of the ideas and the writing, I think it deserves a higher rating and if you decide to edit it, I would be delighted to read it again and give it a higher rating.

By a lot of editing I mean that there are quite a few errors - typos, for example, but also it could do with a bit more of a structure. I think it works really well until about the point when it starts talking about Peggy Sue and then Jackie Cult - we have had so many characters introduced at this point that it seems a bit much. A reader can only accept so many non sequiters.

Here are some editing points I picked up:
he was scared he’d lose her to (too)
vaults wagon (volkswagen)
Fix sated (fixated)
in which I live in. ('which I live in' or 'in which I live')
more intrigue by him and his family (intrigued)
trying to get there day started, (their)
screws up a guys head, (guy's)

Something else I liked a lot is this sentence:
'what only few people know is Buddy Pederson isn’t dead and is still around, living in our town not really suspecting that he isn’t really there.'
I also think it might read better with 'and' before 'not really suspecting'.

At the moment this is half of a much longer sentence. I think it works well on its own and as it is the most intiguing sentence in the whole story I think it should stand alone.

Please let me know when you write some more of this. And well done!
Hallgerd
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