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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hazel.mist07
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36 Public Reviews Given
36 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I do think you ought to continue. I skimmed the last half because I have to go soon, but I wanted to finish it up- I get a little iffy with the second-person, first-person business "I" and "you", but it was interesting enough I read anyways. The only thing, grammatically, that I have to point out (I'm a grammar nazi, don't be offended) buuuut

" Lastly, man once more able to wield magic. "
either "Lastly, man *was* once more able to wield magic." or
"Lastly, men, one more, *were* able to wield magic."

Take it if you will, I could have just misread, of course. ^^

Anyways, lovely idea you got going ... not sure where you plan on taking it though.

Keep it up ^^
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Review of Insert title here  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (5.0)
... I adore this to pieces.

One quick thing, *Therefore

But your play on words! Your lines have meaning and deliver a punch yet with such breath, to the point, simple elegance. I was kind of "ehhhh I'm curious but I won't get my hopes up" when I saw the title, but I wasn't disappointed. At all.

The whole first stanza and then the last one... Agh. Wonderful.
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Review of Hello Old Friend  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this. I didn't like that sometimes you chose to use punctuation, particularly commas, and sometimes you didn't. Author's choice, of course, and being inconsistent can help build suspense and drive emotion, however, I didn't feel like that was your purpose in this and therefore would encourage you to be consistent with the grammar. Like "you kick me [comma] you meat me" or "understand now[comma] friend" and so on.

Beautiful though. I particularly adored the line of 'built me so tall so I had farther to fall' yass. I loved seeing that it was normal and fine to begin with, it changed and twisted, and changed 'their' relationship. And explaining the hate-love relationship. Beautiful job. ^^
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really liked this. Wasn't sure what a haiku/sonnet entailed but I wasn't disappointed. Like what the song made you think of and the actual meaning of your poem- as well as the fact that it can stand apart from the song, it's not like "we'll be counting stars oh yea!" Wonderful job. I might try my hand at this haiku/sonnet madness myself ^^
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Review of (un)Fitness  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
ABAB pattern, very defined characters and story line, nice rhythm.

The "Let's get physical, physical" part. xD the whole thing cracked me up. Especially the last two lines of course.

Now, yes. I'm a grammar Nazi. e.o Take it with a grain of salt. Of course, it's writer's choice, but ... "What are you some kind of wussy?" You /could/ put a comma after 'you'
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Review of Dear Mother  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I thought it was wonderful, deep, emotional. The last stanza though bothered me on a grammatical level. You could have done it intentionally for emphasis, to show a mind losing itself, to show the desperation, but ... in the case that it is not, I'll show you.


"Fuck you Mother, fuck you Father"
Usually a comma after "you" would be placed, as for the third and fifth lines of the stanza. I also want to point out that you capitalize Mother, Father, and Brother, but not sister, lover, or hater. That bothers me, lol.

Regardless, I liked it. Keep it up. ^^
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Review of Diet Coke  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the idea, I like the short and sweet setup, unfortunately I don't understand these two lines

"that you went

that poisonous for me,"

I get you're comparing him to Diet Coke, but I don't understand your words.. Sorry. But again, I like the set up and creative idea :3
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Brilliant poem by your son, you have every right to be proud of that. ^^ It makes me wonder if he has some sort of experience with cancer, or if you, as his parents, just talk to him about realistic things that go on in the world. Regardless, you have a smart kid and a lovely poem on your hands. ^^
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Just my opinion... but I think it would be very effective for you to switch the first and second stanzas, because it would show the woman aging, looking at herself, and reflecting through the years.

Or, as you have it, I suppose, shows the oldest in lineage on down. Just an idea :3
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Do join me friend, come watch the show.
my god they’re all here!
"let's have your attention!
‘Evaluations? there’s none! Salutations? you’ve won!’
“if you think me abstruse i haveno excuse
“Since ye have a majority, on William's authority
I pray ye panel of poets decease.”
and declared: "it's a quarter-past partying time!"

each of these lines I felt like had some grammatical error, however, it's poems and therefore much more up to your interpretation and preference. The first line, I suggest a comma before 'friend'. Capitalizing "My God" and then putting a comma after God. Capitalizing 'there's' and 'you've'? Next line, definitely capitalizing I and space between 'have' and 'no'. Comma after authority. Capitalize 'its'.

I read it aloud, adored the meter and rhyme and description. Incredible. I want to know what happened to all the living poets that joined... if the eavesdropping living poet told the tale later... where he went after... however, I don't know if you can implement those details without distracting from the beautiful set up you have right now- you have everything necessary and then some.

Incredible job! Again, poetry is amazingly up to personal preference of the writer, but I do hope you consider the grammar unless you had a specific reason for doing it how you did- which as much effort as you put in, I wouldn't doubt you did.

Happy writings!
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Review of In The Wind  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Enjoyed the rhythm very much.

Not sure if "Blackness" gave worthy description to his fur

"Is every death
Dealt by him"

As every death
is dealt by him ? The "is" word is throwing me off

"His heart
Emotion less one word
Darker still
Is he capable I don't understand the last three lines e.o
Continually"

"Victimizer and victim" redundant, mildly boring. C'mon (:

"Always
Does he lurk" I don't like 'does' because it makes it seem like a question while the rest of the poem is very 'this is how it is and that's how he does it because he is a creature, he's a machine'. I would prefer "Always he lurks" to show his vigilance

"His persistence
Unabashed" not sure unabashed is the word... maybe 'untaintable' or 'unfaltering' or something

"Internally screaming
You must feed me" I think it'd really put emphasis to make 'you must feed me' in italics

I loved the ending... to be honest, except for the last line. It was strong and emotional, and the last line faltered, sort of. "Nothing survivable" what does that even mean? Maybe

"fighting
in the wind
just to survive
the unsurvivable" or something

great poem, keep it up ^^
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Review of My Beloved  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not religious by any means and I didn't realize that's how you were going to turn this poem, but your rhythm and how naturally rhymes came about were impeccable. Incredibly well done.

There was a part or two where I felt the grammar could be improved a bit. Read these, adapt them if you'd like.

- "Dear Father of mine way up in Heaven is there no one for me?" Comma after 'Heaven'
-

"Dear Father of mine way up in Heaven is there no one for me?"

"Am I doomed to walk this life,

Alone without a mate?"

"What did I do to earn this hardship?

Is loneliness my fate?"

I think you need to decide, are you going to have quotations at the beginning and end of each line? Or at the start of the dialogue, and then the end? I think you need to pick one or the other.

-He whispered to me gently "Is not all you seek in I?" comma or period after 'gently'

- "Is not all you seek in I?"

"Do I not hold you in your sorrow, and carry you when you're weak?"

"Am I not the one your heart cries out to, for the beloved one you seek?"

"Is not my love alone sufficient?"

"Does it not fill your heart?"

"For you my child are my beloved as you have been from the start."

You were consistent in your quotation marks here. Either change the first dialogue to match, or if you decided to do just one quotation mark at the beginning and then end of the dialogue, make sure this one matches.

Wonderful job ^^
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Review of Cop and Court  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (1.5)
Proof read, proof read. (:

Personally, this is how I would have utilized grammar for these passages. I've also included some things that I think would help your story flow. Take them only if you'd like, but do at least read them. ^^

As the cop, Neilson, (use commas, not parenthesis) paced around the courtroom for the trillionth time, he angrily cursed under his breath. As he paced the room once again, he suddenly wondered (is he really just /now/ wondering this? He's been pacing for so long...) with growing exasperation, "Where is Judge Caset?" (don't show pronunciation). Neilson eventually grew so anxious and determined that he flew past the guards (why does she have guards at her house?) to Caset's home, her sanctuary. He'd hoped that her hour of being late had a good excuse, for if it didn't, she would be off the clean cut case (there is a judge working a case for a cop? Bit confused here.)

Judge Caset hurried around the room, every door and window mysteriously locked from the outside, the radio blaring on an unknown channel, the television showing strange words, and the walls and the ceiling of the tiny room enclosed with strange markings, glowing like heaven (Good, good; action). Her eyes widening with a rising level of fear, realizing that she wasn't the only entity in the room, nor was the outside of her window crowded with so many black-eyed people so many (it'd build the anticipation better if you used 'a few' rather than 'so many') seconds ago. "Hello, Sara," (fixed grammar here) the entity paused for special effect. "Or should I call you Judge Caset, as that is the name you have created for yourself in this small, obedient, insignificant town, hm?"(no comma here) he finally concluded.

(New paragraph because someone new is speaking) "A-ar-are yo-you a demon?"(no comma here) Sara Caset said in a deeply frightened and shaky voice.

(New paragraph because someone new is speaking) "That I am, dearest Sara." (fixed grammar) (Please don't show action with asteriks and ~ marks... Also keep it in the same past tense, like this) He laughed. "I have come here because I need you to do a favor for me."

(New paragraph because someone new is speaking) "I won't d-do anything for y-you," (fixed grammar) Caset said(add a comma here), still shaky, but very determined nonetheless. (No more asteriks please, maybe change to:) The front door slammed.

(New paragraph because someone new is speaking) "Caset?! Caset! You're two hours late to court, WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE DOING?!" (No comma here) Neilson half screamed, half yelled in anger and worry.

(New paragraph because someone new is speaking)"Hm. Looks like we're out time. Whoopsie!"(no comma here) the demon said ungretfully (what is this word) as he rips (keep it past tense! Ripped!) away Sara's sould(no d, just 'soul'), and she innocently fell(past tense, not falls) to ground.

-----------------------------------------------------
interesting story line, but you need a lot of work on grammar otherwise people aren't going to understand what you're trying to say. Keep working!
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (5.0)
The visualization! "my father, of wintry morn... blazing a path to spring where I... would go for water" you caught me at these three lines. But explaining that she was younger and shorter and therefore had to follow him, that he was jolly and would make it a bit harder on her in good fun, and that finally, the very last line (which I had wondered about in the first stanza) it was for bonding. I don't give out 5 stars for something I find 'average' or just normally pleasant, but I read it twice, then thrice before I could actually appreciate and let the words sink in. Beautiful. ^^
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I've never read a poem about history before, to be honest, I don't think. Especially not about presidents or generals. I loved that you managed some rhyme without stretching to hard with a dash of humor at the end (or I think, I don't know if he really did get some illness from fruit)
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Review of Spring Romance  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Lovely! I think what makes this poem appealing, especially when read aloud, is that the entirety of it is made up with flowing sounds with the exceptions of "to trees" and "trimble" 's 't's, which give it rhythm and flow. Lovely voice ^^
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Review of Founder's Day  
Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I actually adored this. I've never really understood how to tell stories in a story it ending up a boring monologue, without losing that essence with how we actually speak, rather than write. I thought this was lovely, especially the twist with she was talking about herself- which made sense, with her saying she loved the ball and all in the beginning. The usage of dialogue is what got me the most with this, nice job ^^
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Review by Its Just Ryn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not sure how to post a story, but I'd love to e.o
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2107... ?

I suppose 5 stars because I like the idea of this contest? Sorry e.o
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