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2 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Dystopiapolis  
Review by hbeeks
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I was disappointed with the ending. After so much eloquent build up, very nice imagery, it seemed a little contrived. Also, I am not exactly sure what the speaker's situation is -has he/she been turned into a cockroach? Was he/she always a cockroach, dreaming of being a person? Has he/she become insane?

Simplified statements like "I awaited the killing blow" pulled me out of the speaker's perspective and reduced my interest in the narrative.

My favorite passage:

I go to work, sit in my cubicle,
pantomiming the motions of pressing keyboard keys,
making a clicking contribution to the clicking orchestra of my department.
Our manager slides along the cubicle maze,
our pacing conductor, alert for idle notes.
I think about cockroaches.
I plan my attacks and defenses, strategize two moves ahead.

The words "clicking contribution" sound like the clicking of a keyboard. The orchestra metaphor and reference to the speaker's cockroach problem expresses the pointlessness of his/her work well.

I think the shape of the narrative - taking the speaker from hating the cockroaches to identifying with them - has a lot of promise. The line where the speaker mentions "missing" the cockroaches in winter is good foreshadowing for that shift, but more can be done to develop his/her situation so that when it does occur, it feels more natural to the narrative. And when the shift happens, make sure the reader is clear on what is going on.

Thanks for your work, keep writing!
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Review of Revelation  
Review by hbeeks
Rated: E | (4.0)
Linguistically it's very fluid. It's easy to read, there aren't any awkward rhythms. The message is also pretty concrete throughout -it doesn't get abstracted in the language.

I find the theme and imagery a bit simplicistic. The message is clear -it's a well put together poem- but I don't feel that it gets at anything complicated. It stays at the surface of things.
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