Hello Mariella! Thank you for entering this story in:
In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!
[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]
Characters: 4 's
I thought the characterization was good for this genre of story. The story was folk tale in tone, and the speech, movements, and gestures of the characters seemed natural in its context.
So that you bring something fresh to your story, I suggest finding something very unique to offer to your characters so they don't seem stereotypical. I pictured all the mythical creatures in the story, for example, based on the way other storytellers have already described mermaids or giants, and I would have loved to "see" what they looked like in your story, from your own descriptions.
Plot/Conflict/Pace:4.5 's
There were several things I liked about the way this plot unfolded. First, I enjoyed the repetition you employed. Each group of creatures the king visited was approached with the same lines of discourse; their gift ideas were turned down the same way; and, the king always took his leave with the same closing comments. This gave the story a very folk-ish feel that I found appealing.
I liked that in the king's search for the perfect gift for the princess, he was suggested gifts of air, water, and fire. The use of elements here was clever.
There is a good lesson in this piece: rather than offer riches and extraordinary presents, the most down-to-earth gifts, like a cat, will please a child the most.
I suggest changing the genre sub-headings for this story to include "Children's," "Fantasy," and/or "Folklore."
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 4.5 's
“It is no use!” exclaimed the King astride his horse, “There is not a gift in the land which is suitable for my princess!” -- Since the sentence in the second set of quotation marks isn't a continuation of the first, the comma after "horse" should be a period.
The same is true for this sentence: “Please, your Majesty, perhaps we can help you,” said one of his men, “Tell us, tell us. What exactly are you looking for?” -- The comma after "men" should be a period.
“I seek no gift.” said the King and the woman smiled as if she new something the King did not. -- A comma, question mark, or exclamation point -- but never a period -- appears inside the closed quotation marks followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, etc.) “I seek no gift,” said the King, and the woman smiled as if she new something the King did not.
“You seek something that cannot be created by man, woman or child.” She said mysteriously. -- When a dialogue tag follows a spoken quote, it is never capitalized: “You seek something that cannot be created by man, woman or child,” she said mysteriously.
...the sound of his servant’s horses finally approaching behind him. -- servants' horses
First Impression Wow Factor: 4 ’s
I was hooked from the beginning of this story and stayed engaged through to the end. Nicely done!
I thought the story could have used a bit more originality in its descriptions of the creatures and characters, so that I was drawn into a place and characters I'd never encountered before.
My Overall Rating: (4.25 rounded up)
I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!
~Nicki~
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