Wow, you started out in Writing.com with a strong first appearance! I really have felt that sort of despair where all you want to do is lock yourself underground and hide away from your problems. Like you said “Waiting for darkness to take away my fear.” words it perfectly. An incredible growth takes place in your poem. A step by step growth not just a sudden change that leaves you saying ‘but how did he get there?’ The subject of your poem is one that people can relate to and one that I believe came from your heart.
I had to look hard to come up with something to suggest improvement. I found only a few minor things. In “How my soul” there is a double space between how and my. See, I was looking Very intently to find that little piece. ;)
“I now bristled and brimmed with pure energy.” Doesn’t exactly make sense together. Bristled is usually to do with fear or anger or hair. I’d suggestion, since your last verse had to do with hiding what do you think of “Now I burst out and shined with pure energy’ instead? Or ‘Now I brimmed and burst with pure energy” or even glimmered and gleamed with pure energy? This little verse’s perfection isn’t vital but it could be played with a little more.
My favorite verse are
“Too scared to emerge from my patch of earth
I stockpiled and hoarded to save being hurt.
I built me a wall, the biggest around.
Behind it I hid. I could not be found.”
I especially love the end because I see him like a child who hides behind his hands and thinks no one can see him. I think of him like a child who’s fears are one hundred times enlarged by his imagination, then I also love this one:
“But one day a stranger hunted me down.
He dug and he hounded; he coaxed me around etc…”
I enjoy it because its like a grown up comes to the scared child inside all of us. He puts aside our fear and digs us out of our hiding place.
Your poem came close to my heart and I would love to tell others about it WDC. That’s why I was so glad to see “Back From the Fray” it on the Plugged in items! I’m very happy you’re giving people a chance to read it I believe it will be an encouragement.
Your beginning brought me a smile. You see I grew up in the jungle in Central America, probable similar to Jamie‘s. Your descriptions of the jungle was accurate but as far as night time sounds, no one who’s lived in the jungle can forget the toads. Oh the TOADS! Every puddle in the rainforest vibrates with the songs of the toads and the frogs belting out their chants to attract a pretty she-toad/frog. You might add toads to your description, they’re worse than all the insects put together!
I’m going to be honest; I’ve read some of your other stories and I don’t think “The Start Of A Revolution” is you at your best, my friend. Some of the works I glanced over showed a master writer but that good skill somehow skipped this tale. Meat is what it is missing. While reading it I felt something substantial, something purposeful something like a heart of the story was missing. There is also a great time gap missing. First Jamie is in the jungle , then in city, then in school where he apparently knows the language and has been there a long time. I felt the transitions, and emotions over how Jamie’s feels to leave his home, were sorely missed.
I did like your portrayal of the slums. The people being almost non-human. As you wrote them your words turned to pictures in my mind. I think if you wrote the whole story as vividly as you write the slums, you’d have a solid, living, breathing, tale under your pen.
You ARE a good writer with a bright future here at WDC. I want to see you make this story all it can be! I would be glad to be a brain to bounce off of if you wanted a brain to bounce off of ;p I just don’t like reviews that practically rewrite the whole story for you but I’ll message you the more in-depth suggestions if you’d like to hear them. Do you want to?
Good luck in Everything you do
You certainly stuck true to your title. Untraditional indeed and the relationship between the dragon and the princess is very amusing and made me smile. Especially the little joke Iltan says about not enough adventurers to eat and the way the princess says she hates being woken up ‘like that‘. The twist of a would be traditional story tale shows great creative. You do swing heavily on the flawless, flowery world side. Balanced illustrating and a more unique writing style will comes with practice so never stop writing!
The medieval words you use like “doublet, palfrey, etc…’ show that you really studied your time period and know your subject well. I believe a reader has more respect for a story when they see the author knows what she’s writing about. And it shows that you do.
My Suggestions
There are a few sentences where your words get caught up and come out a bit jumpy.
The horse neighed, a bell like sound echoing off of the tree trunks.
A horse that sounds like a bell doesn’t really make sense. I think you aught to play with it till your imagination comes up with something more believable.
The brush had been thick and it was grateful…
“It” can be changed to a noun. Something like ‘the horse and rider were grateful’ that way the rider is establish for the next sentence.
Unexpectedly though there was no sign of the dragon that was said to guard it. The sign of the massive beast…
I think you mean “Unexpectedly, (add a coma) though there was no sign of the dragon that was said to guard it, (add a coma instead of a period) the signs of the massive beast…
Dust covered once plush red leather chairs and couches.
I think could be better said “Dust covered, once plush, red…” or “Dust covered the once plush red leather…”
…prince could see above the rich velvet coverlet was dressed in a rich navy blue…
The same description word in the same sentence isn’t good form. If you have trouble thinking of a word there are usually thesaurus’ on PC’s that give you a good list.
"Speaking of which that one is trying to hop away. You might want to contain him."
You’ve mad a lovable character in Iltan. I think you meant restrain though. Contain in usually more ‘keep in’ where restrain is to ’pin down.’
My favorite, besides the dragon character, was this sentence: Would it match her eyes when she fluttered them awake? The prince thought so.
It’s a beautiful thought Alexia, I like your style.
I encourage you to keep up your writing and never stop. The great thing about writing is that it always gets better and better and better! And what better place to start writing in public than here at WDC. There are lots of contests, welcoming groups, groups made out just to help you and all kinds of people to get to know. Best of all; everyone really want to see you be the best writer you can be. At least I know I want to. Keep up the good work and tell me when you post something new. I’d love to read it.
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