Grammar: Watch your capitalization, or lack there of. In general, I suggest you refresh yourself with the use of punctuation. I struggle with it, too, but it will help your audience understand what you are trying to communicate better if you do.
Spelling: You should also check your spelling. I'm not good at it, either, which is why Spell-check and Dictionary.com are some of my best writing friends. Of course, there may be some intentional spelling errors in speech, but only if it helps to portray the character's unique pronunciation without making it difficult for the audience to understand.
Emotion: If you were to describe the scene in more detail, you may be able to set a mood that will draw the audience in further. It would be nice to know what your characters are feeling also or expressing through body language.
Imagery: Don't forget use you senses: sight, taste, smell, texture, temperature, physical pain, etc. They can be invaluable for both setting mood and for setting the scene. If your audience can experience what your character is experiencing, then they can live it with Shadow-Fist. Don't forget to set the scene, which includes physical appearance and clothing. I wonder, which part of Shadow-Fist's eyes are purple and which part is green?
Characters: It would be nice if I knew what your characters were thinking. Be sure to come up with specifics about your character that will make them seem real: likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, family, desires, quirks.
Society: Which race(s) do your characters belong to? As part of race, think about superstitions, religion, holidays, food, housing, attitudes, prejudices, etc. What are the guilds fighting over? How long has the battle been going on? What weapons are being used and how is the other guild countering these weapons? Do these weapons ever provide temporary illumination?
Flow: I'm confused whether the battle is going on right now or if this group is part of a patrol that is keeping a perimeter safe.
Overall: I think you have a good idea to begin with. I know that I gave you a lot to think about, but I hope this doesn't discourage you. I've been working on developing my world for years, but that's only because I look up to J.R.R. Tolkien as a role model.
Keep writing! I'd like to know where this takes you (and Shadow-Fist). Good luck.
ScribeOfLegends |
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