Dear TheWriter,
This is a Power Review! 
Before I begin I wish to remind you that anything I say or suggest in this review is my opinion.
 Initial Analysis:
 Title:
Family Reunion: Chapter 1
From this title, there can be potentially almost infinite possibilities as to the direction or thrust of the story. For example, it could be a comedic story in which the family get together stars some strange or possibly forgetful aunts, uncles or grandparents, or it could be a children's type "Disney" story in which there is a big bad aunt/uncle/relative and the children, whom would be protagonists, have to try and survive and not alert their parents, who obviously would not understand. There are literally way too many possibilities to cover them all, so I will just move on to discover for myself
 Narration type:
1st Person, using I/me/my/us/etc. Not "God" type seeing as protagonist is unable to fathom the exact thought processes of others, nor able to know what everyone's doing at any possible moment in time.
 Narrator:
An Irish Child, as mentioned in the introductory type paragraph characterized by the italicized red font.
 Setting:
Setting is presumably at home, since protagonist and family is sleeping, or was sleeping, and the plastic suitcase presumably symbolizes that they are taking a trip somewhere, which, in this context, is presumably somewhere to have a family gathering.
 Other Notes:
First chapter of a weekly-release-type story.
 In depth Analysis:
 Corrections:
Corrections are jumbled together with the Suggestions because it's hard to separate them well.
 Suggestions:
 Dear readers, this is a weekly story. I will try to release a chapter every wenesday. Their will be 7 chapters in total. This is chapter 1. Stay tuned!
Dear readers,
This is the first chapter in a seven chapter story. New chapters are to be added weekly on each Wednesday. Stay tuned!
 Here I suggest getting rid of most of the redundancy and extra wording and make it short, simple, and straight to the point. I also put the "Dear readers" line as a separate line altogether because I feel that it would have a stronger impact if it resembled a "Letter to the reader" rather than just a floating green italicized statement.
If some expressions are not understood, and aren't explained, feel free to contact me.
If some expressions are not understood, and are not explained, feel free to contact me.
Minor adjustment here; you use both "are not" and "aren't" back-to-back - I think it would be better if you just stuck to either one or the other.
I heard the floor crack. I slowly opened one eye, then the other.
I heard the floor creak. Sleepily, I crack open one eye, followed slowly by the other.
I'm actually not quite sure about this one... I'll leave it to your judgment
His body raised and lowered, along with a gentle, low snore.
His chest rose and fell, accompanied by gentle snoring.
It is technically incorrect to say that the body raised and lowered... Because the entire body doesn't float and sink with each sleeping breath. The only part that is affected with the breathing is the chest, and it rises and falls, not lowered. Just a little distinction
People whispered below, stuffs were moved around. I knew what it was, we been preparing this in weeks.
People whispered below, and the noise of stuff being moved around could be heard. I knew what it was; we had been preparing for this for weeks.
Okay, for here there was some issues with clarity and bad sentence structuring. Firstly, a grammatical error: "stuffs being moved around" is incorrect. I suggested a possible solution to this above. Also, the comma in the second sentence should be a semi-colon, as the second fragment is a separate sentence that is closely related to the first.
I made sure to be fully awakened.
I made sure I was fully awake.
Not smooth and incorrect phrasing here - I fixed it for you.
My brother moved a bit, but he stayed in his dreams, he really doesn’t have a clue about what is about to happen.
My brother moved a bit, but he stayed in his dreams. He really doesn’t have a clue about what is about to happen.
Should be separated into two separate sentences.
The door violently opened, the light briskly filled the room.
Light filled the room as the door was ripped open.
Not quite the right wording here. I made a suggestion, but feel free to modify it a little.
My brother opened and frowned his eyes, and he made a nearly inaudible moan to show his disapproval of the situation.
My brother opened his eyes and frowned. He made a nearly inaudible moan to show his disapproval of the situation.
Alright... Eyes do not and can not frown! Perhaps this was simply a typo, but be careful with you personification haha. And it'd work better I believe if you split it into two separate sentences.
...she urged me to get down stairs, and not to “just stay here doing nothing.”
...she urged me to get down stairs instead of “just staying here doing nothing.”
Minor fix here.
His face was red, the suitcase was full, shirts hanged and books fell.
His face was red, and the suitcase was full, with some shirts even hanging off and some books scattered across the floor.
Alright, the wording here was quite messy... I smoothed things out for you a little.
My dad raised his finger and placed it on his mouth.
My dad raised his finger and placed it in his mouth.
Did you mean placed it IN his mouth? As in sucking the finger to make it feel better?
While doing this, my lid fell halfway, my head stung a little.
While doing this, my lid closed halfway, and my head hung a little.
Not sure if this was what you were going for, but it makes more sense and flows much smoother.
I reached for the cereals and served myself a bowl.
I reached for the cereal and served myself a bowl.
Cereal shouldn't be pluralized as you are talking about just one box.
He looked at me straight in the eyes; he bent his elbow and brought the box to his side.
He looked at me straight in the eyes. Bending his elbow, and he brought the box to his side.
It'd be better if you separated this into two separate sentences.
I, immediately after, I felt his leg reached for mine, but dad got glimpse of it.
Right away, I felt his leg reach for mine, but dad caught him in the act.
Another suggestion here... Doesn't really sound right the way you had it; I think this one is a bit smoother.
I knew I’ll have to pay for that later.
I knew I’d have to pay for that later.
Keep things in the same tense!!!
 Typos:
Included in the Suggestions Section as well.
 Moral of the Story:
No moral is yet introduced, as this is just the first part of a seven chapter series. So N/A for now.
 Other Notes:
Lots of potential here. The characters are well developed and seem quite lifelike. It seems like Angus is either a) The spoiled younger child who's used to getting what he wants or b) The elder child who likes to tease and annoy his younger brother. The father seems flustered and not very patient, quick to explode, so to speak. The mother seems stressed and easily annoyed. Shouting is generally a good indication of disorganization too. The protagonist is pitiable, and easy to sympathize with. Other than waking up and eating cereal, along with a narrowly prevented conflict against Angus, nothing really happened yet.
 Final Analysis/Overall:
What I Liked:
The character development.
 Errors:
A lot of grammatical mistakes and badly phrased sentences. See the suggestions section for detailed breakdown.
 What I disliked:
The fact that it's the first part and I can't as yet read on to find out what and if something happens.
 Breakdown of the Rating:
|PART A: |
|CONTENT: 4/5|
|IMPACT: 4/5|
|CHARACTERS: 5/5|
|PLOT: 4/5|
|OVERALL: 17/20|
|PART B: |
|VOCAB: 4/5|
|GRAMMAR: 3/5|
|TYPOS: 4/5|
|STRUCTURE: 3/5|
|OVERALL: 14/20|
|SUMMARY: |
|PART A: 17/20|
|PART B: 14/20|
|OVERALL: 31/40|
|OVERALL: 4/5|
If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me; I'd be more than happy to explain something or help with something.
All the best,
~Kev
This review was on the behalf of:
|
|
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
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