Hi! I really liked this story line. It was very captivating and drew me in. I like the main character...he is quite crazy, ha. Anyway, I am a Nurse and a writer, but as a nurse I know a bit about schizophrenia. You should make him a little more paranoid..Especially about the cops. I think it would help the story and his diagnosis.
Grammar/Punctuation : Your descriptive words are great. A few minor punctuation errors that you missed. However, watch your comma placement because you use too many at times! Just letting you know. Commas can chop up a good sentence if there are too many...just try and go back and re-phrase sentences that have a lot of commas. Believe me, I know why you're adding them. I used to do that too!
For Example -
(She was beautiful. I feasted my eyes on her, on the delicate curves and angles of her face, on the deep, rich blue of her eyes, on the thin, fragile body hidden behind bulky clothes ) -Maybe re-word this part? It's cut up a little weird, and a few too many commas. :) Just my opinion.
Perhaps like this: She was beautiful. My eyes feasted on the delicate angles and curves of her face, on the deep blue hues of her eyes, and the fragile body hidden beneath bulky clothes.
I hope this helped!
I really liked the story!! I don't usually give random reviews, but yours was great :)
Hahaha, i loved this. Nice Lord of the Rings rendition...if that's what that was. Lol. It made me laugh. I think I'm going to move to Part 2 now!! Please keep writing, I'm going to surely read it! :)
~Holly Marie
This was very good! I had chills while I read this, and in the beginning new this was about Cain and Able....or so I think! Lol Anyways, Good job! I really fell into this story....I have an obsession with angels :) Good Luck with everything in the future, but I doubt you need it!
Keep Writing! ~Marie
Aww, I read your other story earlier and I liked that one, but this was even better! I kind of saw that ending coming. ;) Most likely because your previous story had a twist. Lol. Anyways, good job once again!! I wish I were as good a writer as you! I may end up reading every single one of yours. Thanks for the read!
Hahaha, this is cute!! Well written too! It's funny how the character (the girl) didn't like the romantics but since she loves her boyfriend and he did all that for her, she gave in! Props! You should have made it longer though but that is just coz I wanted to keep reading. :) Too bad you dont have anymore things for me to read. enjoyed that.
WHAT???!!! OMG I loved this but you made the mom evil-ish???? What the hey! Lol. This was well written and I wasn't expecting the mom to be a cruel killer of sorts. Good job!! :) I liked the twist. I wish she didn't want to kill her husband for money...Poor man, he died thinking his wife loved him and that story was true!
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