Hi. Good story.
Just so you can evaluate whether or not my review is worth reading, here's my summary of your story: A mother lioness is recently expelled from her pride and is living with her three children and a cousin. One day, a male lion shows up outside their cave. The lioness is worried about the threat he could pose to her cubs, but also mysteriously attracted. They go for a walk, and the lioness spends the next two nights sleeping outside the cave, ostensibly so that the lion won't come in and find her young. When he finally returns, she almost unconsciously reveals more of her affection than she had intended. She also finds out that he already knows about her cubs, having followed one of her disobedient youngsters back to the cave. He becomes almost instantly integrated into their family.
I think you did a really good job developing the plot and moving Sahraa from suspicion to affection for Raymond.
Here's a few thoughts that occurred to me while reading your story. First of all, I think the characters of Alana and Harry may be unnecessary. They don't really have that big a role and since it's such a short story, I think having a lot of characters could just cause confusion.
Also, and I'm not really sure if this is a strength or a weakness, but it seems like Sahraa's attraction to Raymond really hinges on her loneliness, and I didn't really realize she was a lonely person until she fell for him so fast. Maybe when she reflects on the threat Raymond could pose to her children, she could also, at least dimly, acknowledge how much she would like a man in her life, or how hard it is to raise children alone (you do sort of allude to this while she's hunting). But that could be unnecessary.
Another thing, is that Sahraa seems to decide that Raymond is trustworthy because he followed Nick back to the cave. I guess Sahraa's big fear was that he didn't like cubs, or something like that. I guess I just don't find that quite convincing evidence of his trustworthy character, or of the genuineness of his affection for Sahraa (and maybe you didn't really intend for it to be). Maybe if he'd done something with or for Nick? I dunno.
Finally, it some places you had kind of a unique way of putting things. Sometimes this really worked for me, sometimes I think it may have been a typo, and sometimes it just sounded awkward. One I really liked was Sahraa "drowning" in her dreams. I think that when Sahraa tells Raymond "I'll go on my own from now on," it's a little awkward. I think something like, "I can find my own way back" would be more normal (unless of course, you intend it as a sort of half-hearted break-up attempt, in which case I think it could fit with your story pretty well). I think when you say that "Raymond jumped on" the water, that may have been a typo. There are a couple other things like that I saw.
Again, good story. Thanks for sharing! |
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