This poem was a very dark read, but I was glad to read some uplifting elements within its verse. There's something so identifiable and readable about a struggling character, and this image was found throughout. There were some very strong contrasts and metaphors early on that added so much to the style of this emotional, border-line Gothic poem. I have to admit, Gothic/dark poetry is a bit unsettling to me, and I prefer other genres. That said, I was engrossed throughout.
I had a few problems with the poem. The image of the wings being covered with blood escaped me, and I failed to really grasp why an angel would would blood covered wings. Perhaps a symbol for sin? or failure? I was stumped until a second and third read. Be a little more direct with your symbolism -- develop the character more so that the events and action within the poem are relevant.
"My experience of" is awkward. I suggest "My experience with" or "The experience of", but the comparison to Hell was very strong and dramatic.
It's hard for me to find anything that you did wrong. This is one hell of a short story.
Fred's little bout of auditory hallucinations is a wonderful premise for a story, and your first person limited perspective narration is loaded with awesomeness. First off, I love how the sound itself is so enigmatic. It appears to come from, well, everywhere and anywhere! The variation of the sound was off-beat and alluring -- the onomatopoeia was never repetitive.
Secondly, Fred's reaction to the noise is so spot on to how many auditory hallucinations affect real patients with psychosis. At no time was my willing suspension of disbelief challenged, even in the midst of such a remarkable chain of events.
Thirdly, the world collapsing around Fred was excellent. He made such raucous decisions while hearing the sound, that, in the event that everything is alright, the story would not have made any sense. Again, you kept the willing suspension of disbelief willing and believing.
Finally, you made the story move forward. This was a longer read compared to a lot of works on the sight, and is more comparable to the "classic" short story length. However, the focus is never lost. There's a few subplots within the story, which adds complexity to the story that I very much appreciated and enjoyed.
Honestly, I could keep going.
Once again, I can't find anything wrong with this or that I would change. A more skeptical reader may find one -- who knows?
Thank you for writing this, and sharing this with us all. Bravo.
Luke
Good storytelling, and nice execution of the premise. I like the character of Michael, and third person omniscient point of view serves well for this style of writing. You nailed the robotic voice impersonation spot on, though, if I may recommend one little tweak with it, I would have used more broken syntax -- i.e. periods and dashes in place of commas.
"Flor-i-da. Co-ordinates: sixty-five point thirty-four seventy-five point ninety-nine."
This, of course, matches the instantly recognizable robotspeak in parsing, and will slow the reader down with the punctuation. Give a listen to Microsoft Sam, and you'll see what I mean.
Your conventions were a bit off, but that's an easy fix. "111,600,000 miles per hour" versus "27,000 knots per second [sic]", "Houston" versus "Houstan [sic]", "fail" versus "fail down [sic]". Just clean that up a bit, and you've got a real gem.
Really enjoyed it, always ready to read more!
Luke
Wow. I was NOT expecting myself to enjoy this as much as I did. You really have a way with developing the characters just enough before killing them off. Three childhood friends -- rife with snide remarks to each other than are instantly recognizable and identifiable -- venture into the great unknown -- but only one returns. I loved it. It went at the perfect pace, and was never too descriptive in the wrong places.
You avoided the big issues with horror/thriller stories, and I can only applaud you with this piece. Like I said, I didn't expect myself to enjoy this as much as I did, but I'm pretty spooked!
Keep churning them out, you've got yourself a new fan.
Luke
Reading this brought me back to reading Henry James for the first time -- examining the motivations of characters, and their identities. I really enjoyed the character development, which was constant and always just enough to keep the story going. You have a very unique piece, with an equally unique representation of identity, perseverance, and sacrifice.
Bravo.
Luke
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