Really good short, I'm hoping there is a bit more to this because it really caught my attention. I like your writing style in this, the pacing worked well and got me interested. I can't help but wonder what his perfect species would look like. The only negative thing I really noticed was there was a lot of commas. Just some simple editing stuff but all in all I was intrigued and will check your profile for more.
Hey, so your story is very intriguing. It has an almost 'Alice in Wonderland' feel with everything being off with every stop. I always enjoy stories like that and found myself continuing to read to see what weird place they ended up next. I do have a couple of questions and suggestions though. The voice of the character is strong but not always clear, for example I'm somewhat confused as to the gender of the main character. My biggest comment would have to do with the style it's written in. Now I'm not a professional writer (hopefully one day) but I do have some ideas for you. So with the actual style I think the narrative would benefit from a more minimalist style. For example I liked spacing and structure to this part.
This isn't good. This is just like the floor below. You're going to get lost.
But I'm having so much fun. I might be in this building for a long time, why don't I stay where its fun?
It's not real fun.
It is to me.
Well why don't you just stay here then?
Wasn't that what I was saying I wanted to do?
So quit wasting your time talking to me. Stay here. Enjoy yourself. Don't listen to your better judgment.
Well other parts seem to use too many words. The problem I find with 1st person narrative's is knowing what to write and what to leave out. Maybe just shorten up some of the paragraphs and sentences. The content of the story however is really interesting. The character is also really interesting in the way you portray their increasing frustration. All in all thanks for posting your story up here and letting people read it.
That was an awesome story. I really enjoyed how it started off very familiar with the upper school setting, and then continually got more and more alien. It's very obvious you've put alot of thought into this idea and it's very well executed. I really can't think of anything negative to say, it was a very enjoyable story to read.
An interesting short. I enjoyed the cyclical movement of the first the aki and then of people. It's an interesting concept and one that you can use some events from history to back up. For example cave drawings started to appear all over the place,independently of each other. My only concern with the piece is in some ways it reminds of Scientology and their bizarre story for life on earth. Your idea of beings existing like the aki is very abstract, and I could imagine finding the words to describe them must've been tough, but it is very well executed.
I really liked this chapter. One of the awesome things about sci-fi is the ability to take more familiar theme and concept and throw an interesting spin on it. Your story does a great job of that. It reminds me of a western but with a space exploration backdrop to it. The characters are described well and the dialogue is well written and easy to follow. I've noticed in developing a sci-fi story with an original setting, details and ideas can get over crowded. In a cure for immortality I never felt lost or struggling to figure out what this place was. The only negative feedback I can offer is at the very start I didn't get hooked into the story, about half way through after she started to talking to the colonists I got interested in seeing what happened. Maybe a bit less description of the characters right off the bat and more to do with her father or the colonies. All in all though an awesome setting and interesting characters. I look forward to reading the rest of the chapters.
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