Let me start by saying that I love the concept. Metaphorically speaking, it created a vision of a once white angel, now clad in grey, crying as it looked down at earth.
Poetically wise, I think it could use a bit of fine tuning. For instance it's obvious that it's a free-verse written poem. However in my personal opinion I feel that if a poem is not based on a set format that the poem itself, should not be a mix on non-rhyming & rhyming. Because it henders the flow of the poem.
~Example~
In the first 4 lines, it seemed to have a rhyme pattern; but careful observence shows that it is not the intended {ABCB-} but rather with a continued flow. (rain/came). Also the 3rd & 4th lines almost seem to me as though they don't belong, because to me the poem starts by saying it's almost a mystery of where the rain comes from-which is fine-except that the rest of the poem is a beautiful enlightenment of how the rain got there-(by an angel crying tears of sadness).
------>I didn't notice any grammar mistakes-probably because I'm not very good at noticing it in my own writes not mention others. <---------
!!!NOW MY FAVORITE PART OF THE PIECE!!!
ALL THIS--------->
The tears that fall
from the angel's face
come down to us
as rain in its place.
So let's stop all the violence, <---(read note below)
the rage and the war. <--genius, sure genius.
About that sunshine?
We want to see more. <--A perfect end that lets the---
---reader think on after it is read---
ONE MORE NOTE
----------------<-------------------->---------------
I definately think the 4th line from the bottom could be shortened into perfection---
~Example~ Time to stop the violence--(I still think the reader will get the assumption your talking about mankind in general.)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 3:03am on May 07, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
