I like the premise, sets of twins out to kill each other. Makes me wonder if the twins ever have identity issues. Killing someone who may or may not look exactly like themselves. It could be construed as training to commit a form of suicide. Or maybe one is not truly “alive” as long as the other twin lives. I suppose Angel and Sir Damian are fraternal twins instead of identical.
Minor edits and feel free to ignore. Maybe start with “In the year 2017” or “In 2017”. Could include the reason why the countries split but not necessary. Delete “to” after “wanted” in the first sentence of the second paragraph. End of the second paragraph, “them” changed to “themselves”. “The British led side called themselves” could be changed to “The British led side, calling themselves …, maintained that if they were Hell…” to match the beginning of the second paragraph.
Otherwise a good start leaving me curious about the what happens next. Good luck!
The pink suit and new logo made me laugh. Apollo seems a bit clueless although I was expecting him to be more stressed out. Maybe move the part of “wasn’t hitting his targets” into the conversation between Apollo and Cupid. Then Apollo can present the solution of the new suits and new logo. It’s fine the way it is, but it might provide more build up.
Good start, look forward to more details.
I like the topic and found the poem amusing. I wonder if there's a way to tighten the stanzas so they flow one to another. Your topics seem to be flat tire, expensive meal, harsh critique, and spending time with in-laws. Through each of these you gain wisdom. The third and fourth lines of each stanza seems to be how you deal with these situations.
Nice start. Introduces Mikael and his goal well. Maybe be a little clearer about who is traveling with Mikael. I think the two mortal companions are a girl (princess) and her pet snow bunting (bird)? At first I thought it was two girls and he was talking to the one not bound tightly by enchantments.
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