My only advice would be to read your poems out loud. This would help you to get a good sense of the flow of your poem and the rhythmic feel of the words. I am not a poet myself, but when I am writing, I try to find words that create a strong sensory feeling or idea. I would have liked to see more descriptive words, maybe? Just my opinion.
First of all, I like how you threw me right into the action. You held my interest to the very end.
A couple things. In the first paragraph, when you say "spider like in shape", I would add a hyphen: "spider-like".
I feel like there were too many jumps, perhaps. Is this a short story or a novel? At any rate, keeping this chapter to one or two scenes might make it easier to follow. Also, there wasn't as much dialogue as I would have liked. This would add a nice contrast to the action/description sequences.
Thanks for sharing this!
The open dream sequence was very convincing, I thought. I had no idea it was just a daydream! The characters were well-drawn. Just one thing: You might want to change the "Halo" family to a different name, this might make people think of Halo the video game? Just an idea.
I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for sharing this! A very apt description of sports fanatics, indeed...
Here are a couple ideas.
1. In the 4th verse, you use the word "pretty". This seemed rather out of place to me. It's just too pat for the purposes of the poem. Maybe you could substitute "sporty" or "flashy"?
2. This is just a personal scruple, but maybe you should change the exclamation mark in the second to last verse for a period. This would make the effect of the exclamation in the last verse a tad more dramatic. Again, just a personal opinion.
Hey, good work! I love your use of the word "magical" in the second verse. I want to read more of these poems, for sure. Keep writing!
Thanks for sharing this! I especially liked the lines "Forever is a day/Longing for tomorrow". The repeating refrains were also nice. My only advice would be that you change the punctuation on the refrains to "God, please stay right here..." instead of "God please, stay right here..." I think it might make a little more sense that way. Just an idea.
Keep up the good work!
This was hilarious! The concept of a talking house is just too funny; you made good use of the chemistry of an old house, such creaking floors and dust. I liked the "hip" tone you used, it made the story even funnier. I would definitely be willing to read more of this stuff.
You should finish that book!
Thanks for writing this! It took me out of my seat to a faraway place, which all fiction writing must do.
A suggestion:
It's important to have a strong sense of place at the beginning of a scene. Even more so at the beginning of a book! You might want to take a little more time to explain the scenario to us. Where are they? Why are they here, and how did they get here? You jumped into the story pretty fast, and it might be a tad confusing for a reader who hasn't gotten off the ground yet.
Engaging read!
First of all, I'd like to say that your choice to use 1st person was a good one. I could definitely put myself in the character's shoes.
A couple of ideas:
1. The opening was very bleak. It might have been a little too bleak in my opinion, maybe you could tone this down a bit? The symbolism of the ice was great, though.
2. Just a couple of phrases felt a bit awkward to me, such as "no longer affected by the effects" in the 2nd to last paragraph. As a general principle, I try to avoid using the same word twice in a sentence, even if it's in two different forms.
Also, "our eyes meet" in paragraph seemed rather cliche...you could rephrase this, maybe?
Hey, I really enjoyed reading this! Keep on writing, and good luck!
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