1/2 star given for flow - This piece moved along at an acceptable rate. It neither felt rushed nor felt too slow.
1/2 star given for dialogue - This piece had more dialogue than prose, try to balance this more evenly. You may also want to experiment with using dialogue and prose within the same line to complement each other and further carry the story. Dialogue was excessively punctuated; try to use adjectives to convey expressions, moods and tone instead of multiple exclamations and/or question marks. I did like that you wrote as they spoke, which feels more familiar to readers than writing formally during dialogue exchanges.
1/2 star given for description/creativity regarding cat-snake. I like the "cat-snake" term, but this could have used a bit more polish with added descriptions. Also, this cat-snake term and the overall lack of description other than that leads me to believe our main characters are very young children (say, 5 to 7 years old).
No stars given for setting or character development. I would really have liked to know more about where this story takes place, who these children are and been given more about their motivations (both on their own and as a pair). You began to hint that they had personalities, but the children got lost in the process of trying to make them key players in a stand-up routine that felt very forced.
No stars given for theme/category. This did not feel very comedic to me. It felt like someone was trying to make a joke about how ferrets resemble snake-like cats and run around oddly, but it did not come across naturally. The characters were given very specific dialogue to work with and delivered it woodenly, as we have very few clues to their overall emotional state during this time. The banter between siblings also seemed forced, as we know nothing of the relationships between the characters.
The premise, while not original, had promise. It could have been very funny indeed. Instead this reads like a script to a stand up routine that was then interspersed with a few chunks of prose to make it into a story.
Advice:
My advice would be to use dialogue as part of the story, as opposed to the main avenue for the story. Describe to us how things are said and why, instead of using excessive punctuation. Let readers experience the cat-snake; the feel of its fur, the sharpness in its bite, the squirmy wiggly way it moves when trying to jump out of someone's hands. Ferrets are interesting creatures and this story could be a fantastic way to introduce them to people who may not know what they are. Mary (whoever she is), is a great catalyst for education here, and almost does a decent job of teaching about how oddball ferrets are.
Also, you want to pay attention to your punctuation, in regards to your quotation marks. You have some surrounding pieces of prose and it took me a couple reads to realize it wasn't part of the dialogue.
\\
"A crash came from the kitchen followed by the sound of scurrying and then furniture being quickly moved across the floor."
"I ran out of my room to find Anthony on his hands and knees peering cautiously under the oven."
\\
This has promise; please don't let my comments have you think otherwise. I don't comment/review items I don't think are worth my time to do so with. This could be a funny and educational piece with a bit of rounding out and polish. I'd be happy to read further edits of this.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 7:11pm on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "