I Love this story. It is imaginative yet strangely disturbing. You even managed to work in the humor of refusing a proffered handshake. Well Done.
You said you were right on with your word count. In a “not more than” contest I like to come in a few words under if possible just in case the judge counts differently. There are a couple of places where you could trim words if you are so inclined.
Jake’s rest would be an eternal one Try: Jake’s rest would be eternal I explained to them my plan. Try: I explained my plan.
I enjoyed your writing and your story. The interplay between Alex and Kenya was entertaining although Alex is the worst kidnapper since The Ransom of Red Cloud.
I had a problem with the parents’ reaction when Kenya was returned to them. It felt like they were simply waiting for the fireworks and the lost six-year old was a mere distraction. There should be more emotion when this scruffy stranger shows up carrying their daughter.
Take a look at your dialog. There is little difference between Alex and Kenya. Both voices seem alike.
Finally, the ending seems off. Earlier, Alex noted that resolutions were a waste of time because nobody kept them. To end the piece with “…Alex had plenty of resolutions” seems a bit disingenuous. He may have had promises to keep but not resolutions.
I think with a few minor tweaks you may have a contender. Be sure to read it out loud (preferably into a tape recorder) or have someone read it to you to get a more objective feel for your story.
I assume this story is intended for a young audience. It is outside the "norm" of western writing but is a good story none-the-less. I think a bit more description would help place the setting more.
Short stories tend to be character driven and this is no exception. The problem is we have little reason to sympathize with Emma's plight beyond the fact that she is a child. Make us love her before you throw her into peril. Perhaps you could show her trying to help rather than complaining about her inability to do so.
Also, look at your dialog. Every character speaks like every other character. The father, Keller, and Emma all sound the same. Try to make some distinction. Maybe Mr. Keller is less educated and his speech shows that.
Next, remember your setting. I assume this is supposed to be in the old West just before the turn of the last century. Books were extremely rare as were people that could read them. Emma and her brothers may have gone to school but it would be rare to run into a drifter who had a book and could read.
Finally, I have some trouble with the plot. Why did Keller nab Emma? There’s no suggestion of his intent in the story. Mr. Keller is planning to take Emma to town, presumably the town where she attends school and shops with her family. It’s unlikely that she would be unnoticed and one would think Keller would know that.
Having said all this, I truly did like the story. I think it works as a children’s story. You may have to do away with any talk of hanging the villain to get past the school librarian but that’s a minor edit. You may also want to stick a greater moral lesson in. Nice work and keep ‘em coming.
This is a powerful glimpse into a world that few of us have experienced. The power comes not only from what you have written but from your implications and the inferences drawn by the reader.
Your message comes through despite obvious spelling and grammatical errors. The spelling can be overcome with a good word processing spell check. The grammar may take a bit more work. I would recommend that you get together with a teacher, mentor, or even someone on-line to help with the rules of writing.
You have the ability to tell a good story and to recreate the violence of the streets. I hope this will be the first of many stories that you write on this site. Thanks for sharing this story with us.
This is a nice story with a well-crafted twist. Ending the story with a reference back to the LCD watch that opened the story is a good device to tie it all together. Well-done.
Since this is a contest entry I will mention some grammatical issues. First, the punctuation inside quotes serves as the punctuation for the entire sentence. For example, a quote ending the sentence has a period inside the quotation marks. It does not require an additional period outside the quotes. You write: I am somewhat in a hurry and need to reach home soon.”, I asked. The proper punctuation is a comma inside the quote and no period before I asked. There are other instances. I would suggest you review the rules for punctuating dialog.
Examine your piece for adverbs and see if you can write a stronger verb. You write: I looked at the man intently. Instead try: I stared at the man behind the wheel. Or I studied the stranger. And again, you write: A head poked out of the driver’s window and looked furiously at me. Instead try … and glared.
All in all I enjoyed the story. You have a nice sense of timing and story-telling. Work the mechanics and keep writing.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jchoh
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 10:38am on May 20, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
