I read the earlier version of this story a few days ago, and I must say this is a major improvement. The descriptive chunks seem to have been pared down and spaced apart, making them less burdensome. The action of the scene flows much better now, as well.
A few issues I noticed:
-You still switch from past to present tense during descriptive sentences. I get this is by design, and it's a clever idea, but in execution it draws attention to your style rather than immersing the reader in the story.
-There are several times when you capitalize words following dialogue when you shouldn't, i.e. Said rather than said.
-There are a lot of adverbs used in the story, especially following dialogue. If you've described a character's actions and written their dialogue well, the reader will infer on his or her own what the adverb states outright. For my part, when I'm reading and I see an adverb that could have been avoided, it tells me that the author doesn't trust me, doesn't trust him- or herself, or was just plain lazy.
Those are my thoughts, and you can take them for what they're worth. I am enjoying the story itself, though. You have a great imagination and a keen eye for detail. Looking forward to what comes next.
Best,
Doc
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