*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jess89
Review Requests: OFF
1 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ceridwen
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was an interesting read, but I do think there's room for improvement. I like the fact you don't go into description about how beautiful Maria is, just as a side note, but I think you should show us what she looks like. Anyway, here are some suggestions:
1.)"The area was secluded and dark shadows that shrunk away from the car's headlights made it mysterious and foreboding." This would be more powerful if you were showing us, rather than telling us. Make the reader feel what your character is feeling.
2.) "The engine was making threatening noises." I think the reader would be able to conclude that it was the engine. If you're going to tell us that, maybe it should be done in a different manner.
3.)"Glancing nervously around, she became more and more aware of her dangerous situation." This is all too sudden. Show us more reason as to why she's nervous. Don't tell us.
4.)"Marcia was an attractive young woman... with no mechanical skills whatsoever." This sentence is too long. Find different ways of communicating this to your readers. Make sure that you don't use too many commas. Commas are distracting and if you have too many of them in your sentence, chances are that sentence is too long.
5.) List more of her options. Does she have a phone? is it dead? Isn't it just as unsafe for her to wait in her car? Maybe she's paranoid. I would be, show us that she is scared.
6.)It seems unrealistic that she would drift off into sleep at this point. Why does she fall asleep? Does she calm herself down? There needs to be more before she actually falls asleep, otherwise it seems rushed and random.
7.)"Startled by this sudden retreat, Marcia stared after him shaking." Obviously, Maria is the one shaking here, but that doesn't seem necessary to point out. Maybe "cautiously" would be a better choice.
8.) Again, this is all too sudden. You also need to be more descriptive, make it longer, so that the readers feel what Maria is feeling when she is going through this. I would expect the limping man would also say something to her.

The idea of this was good. I liked the train twist at the end and I think you should definitely keep it that way. In order to draw your readers in, you just need to play more on their emotions. This is not done by telling your reader things, but rather by showing them.
Anyway, keep writing!
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jess89