Overall it felt very thin to me. I think if you fleshed it out and created some kind of tone and rhythm it would help a great deal. I didnt feel any tension or connection to the character. I think you were going for a fast pace with the short sentences but you lost me doing that through the whole story. If you broke it up with more descriptive sections and let me know why I should care about the thing happening I think it would have been more effective. One of the best things I have learned as a writer is tempo and pace. There is a certain flow to each story that is crucial. Its like a song, you dont want the exact same monotone through the whole thing. Speed up then slow down to increase tension. I also did not feel any hook.
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