First of all, I loved the description that you gave to this piece. Immediately, I found it interesting and I wanted to know what was in that box. You were able to show Amelia's love and longing for Jake throughout the story. I was surprised that Nicholas wasn't there, since that wasn't mentioned until the end. It made me wonder why he's not there (i.e., can she not handle him? how is their mother/son relationship?). That may be a good thing to express when she is in his room.
Suggestions:
In the first paragraph, I believe "Iron Gate" should not be capitalized. I run into that with a novel I'm writing as well.
In paragraph five, you used "decide" twice. I would recommend rewriting this sentence or replacing one of those.
I'm not great with punctuation, but I think many sentences ran on either too long, or without the proper punctuation. For example: She continued to sift through the jewelry boxes and when nothing in there was able to open the mysterious box, she decided to check the safe to make sure she wasn't missing anything and sure enough she had.
Overall, I think this is a good story. I hope Amelia and Nicholas are able to live the life Jake hoped they would!
This was fun! I especially enjoyed the lines "Will my face really freeze, If I wear an ugly frown?" That was a favorite saying in my family. I often wondered, as a child, why wouldn't my face freeze if I'm smiling? Why only when it's a face they don't like? Very clever!
This is good as a short story because I think everything you need for it is already there. What a terrifying thing to have happened, dream or not! You grasp the reader from the get go, first with the screeching door and then the fact that the speaker was just waiting for something strange to happen after waking. There were a few things that need work, but it's not to do with the story per se.
- In the beginning of the second paragraph, should it be "fortunately" instead of "unfortunately"?
- In paragraph three, "extraordinary" is broken into two words but should be one.
- There may be inconsistent spacing between sentences (one space here, two spaces there), although that may be the format I'm seeing it in.
I like the end when the mother comes to the rescue. It's a relief, I'm sure, to the speaker, but to the reader as well.
Overall, I thought this was good. The one thing that threw me off was "bangs" in the first stanza. It seems out of place and the rhythm created there isn't matched in the other stanzas. I wonder where the shovel for his sand comes in to play. When I read the poem at first, I thought that he was playing in a sandbox with a drum set that he created himself, maybe out of shovels and sticks and overturned buckets, the typical sandbox toys. It seems, though, that this may be an actual drum he's playing. All in all, I liked it! The way it's written is fun, and the way the words repeat remind me of a child.
I thought you did a really great job with this. I like the voice and thought it worked very well with the story. The way you slipped in information about Elsa's situation at home, in the present and in the past, was smooth and natural. Is this all of chapter one? I do want more because I'm interested in the story and to find out what happens to Elsa and how [I'm assuming] shocked she will be by the judgmental college students. Also, it just seemed like there could be more. I think you got the point across very well what her expectations/hopes are for college. I'm curious to see how she is treated currently in high school and thought maybe a taste of that in the last few paragraphs would be good. Overall, I think you're off to a great start and I hope I'm able to read more!
I really enjoyed this poem. I think it was a very creative way to express the sort of imaginations children can have. I don't really have any recommendations. This was a job well done. In particular, I enjoyed the descriptions that made me feel part of this world. For example: purple clouds, squishy terrain (my favorite), echoing laughter. You opened with a journey to this place of imagination, and closed the poem nicely by returning the child to the 'real world'. It was nice that this return wasn't filled with disappointment or longing for their made-up world. In stead, they landed safety where they began.
This is fun. I think this expresses how protective a parent can be: childproofing the indoors and out, explore within sight, dangers banished. I found the line "The umbilical cord now stretches like a leash" very interesting. It made me stop and consider how I feel with my own children. That cord, although unseen, IS still there! My favorite thing is that it ends with "full of wonder" because kids really are and, if allowed, they can fill us with the wonder we've lost since childhood. Great job!
I enjoyed this and I can relate. I sometimes wonder if I were alone with nothing to worry about, how much could I accomplish. Maybe I would have finished another novel or two or three. I could write outside in the grass or at the library or wherever I wanted. But those thoughts always remind me of how lonely that would be and of all that I would miss. And it really does make me want to hug my family and spend endless Moments with them. I think you hit it on the nose
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